


Derailed

by LioSky



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Frustration, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Permanent Injury, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-06-13 04:50:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 88,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15356628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LioSky/pseuds/LioSky
Summary: During the case were Donna is facing going to jail Mike gets badly hurt. It forces Harvey to choose between the two people who matter to him the most. Is he going to be there for Mike, when the younger man really needs him to?





	1. Chapter 1

Mike couldn’t help but hesitated as he looked up at the warehouse where Joe Henderson, the whistle blower for Liberty Rail, worked. He dreaded to have this conversation, but stepped inside anyway. He really thought that they were going to nail those bastards at Liberty Rail, but he had been wrong and now Donna was in trouble after he had used that document she had gotten him in some shady way.  

He did care more about her than winning a case, and he knew he needed to do this. For Harvey Donna meant everything, probably more than anything else. Not that Harvey would admit it straight out, but everybody knew. Harvey would be pissed at him as well, he was pretty sure of that. But it was easy to fix this. Just drop the case and Donna would be in the clear. Maybe they would get a second chance at this at a later time. All hope wasn’t gone, but he still felt like shit as he stepped inside to crush this man’s dreams of a better life.

He couldn’t help but wanting to walk out of there as soon as Joe saw him and smiled.

“Holy shit! You can’t possibly have a check already.” He exclaimed.

“I don’t have a check, Joe. We have to drop the case.” Mike said.

“What the hell are you talking about? We had drinks last night.”

“Yeah, we also had proof last night, and now we don’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated you know, it’s a lot of legal rigmarole.” It was the best he could come up with. Joe wouldn’t have it though.

“Hey, don’t talk down on me.” The man was starting to get angry.

“I’m not talking down to you, but I’m also not going to stand here and explain civil procedure to you.”

“Believe me I don’t understand civil procedure, but I know enough to understand when something doesn’t add up.”

“We got the evidence the wrong way.” Mike decided to say.

“Well, get it the right way. Supina it or something.”

“I can’t!” He exclaimed.

“What do you mean you can’t? That money was going to change my life.”

“And if you want to go to a different law firm I understand.” He hoped that would help.

“You know as well as I do, nobody else is going to take this case. You told me you cared about this people. You gave me your word.”

“Yeah, and I wish I could keep it!” Mike yelled and for a few seconds they stared at each other. “I want those bastards just as bad as you want this money, but I got no proof and you are not a credible witness.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“It’s not bullshit. If you had been straight with me from day one, we wouldn’t even be in this mess.”

Joe straightened up a bit and a small smile appeared on his face. He nodded a little as he continued.

“How much did they give you to dump the case? It’s got to be something, otherwise you wouldn’t sell me out!” he yelled the last words.

Mike paused thinking over what to say next. He looked away before he looked back at Joe. The part about selling out hit him hard and he wanted to refuse it, but didn’t.

“Sorry Joe, it’s over.” He said and turned around to walk away.

“You’re sorry.” He heard the other man mutter behind him as he made his way down along the machines. What he didn’t realize was that he was being followed by the other man.

“You are sorry! Huh? Are you?” he heard Joe suddenly behind him. He was almost out the door, a few of Joe’s colleges were close. They couldn’t have this conversation here. Mike walked out the door, testing to see if the man would follow him or not. He hoped he wouldn’t. He didn’t want to have to lie to the other man, because he couldn’t tell him the truth. That was out of the question.

Unfortunately for Mike Joe came out after him.

“Don’t walk away from me!”

“I wasn’t walking away from you. I just thought that you didn’t want to do this in front of you colleagues.” Mike tried.

“Damn right I don’t, you little shit. You lying hypocrite in your damn fancy suit!”

“Look Joe, just calm down. I know you are disappointed about this but…”

“Disappointed! Disappointed, you don’t know what you are talking about” The other man was screaming as he came closer and closer to Mike, who started to back away from him.

“Joe…” He held up his hands in a calming gesture, but it didn’t work as Joe swatted them away, rather hard.

“You told me we had this! We had them!”

“I know what I told you!” Mike felt anger rush up in him again. Why couldn’t he just see that it was nothing he could do? He tried to tell Joe that, but was interrupted.

“You shut up!” Joe yelled straight in his face. “Nothing you could do! They paid you and you took it! I’ll give you exactly what you deserve!”

It was only then, when it was too late that Mike saw that Joe had a crowbar in his hand, and now he was lifting it up above his head ready to strike him.

“No! Joe!” Was all Mike had time to get out before the crowbar connected with the side of his face. Searing pain immediately travelled along his entire head and he tumbled around and back against the wall, arms outstretched to try and brace himself. It wasn’t that successful as he felt how his forehead collided with the brick wall. His arm bent the wrong way. It was a miracle that he didn’t fall to the ground.

“W-what…what are you…” he panted barely able to get the words out, he was stumbling, fighting to remain on his feet. But Joe had gone blind with rage, behind Mike he lifted the crowbar again, this time gripping it with both hands as he again slammed it into Mike’s body. It hit his back and he did fall down onto the ground, or it was more like he crumpled down. He ended up in a half sitting position, his upper body leaning against the wall. On his way down he had scraped his face on the bricks. He was bleeding, he could feel the liquid run down and gather in his eyebrows.

Judging from the intense pain in his back he knew that something terrible just had happened inside him. He just knew it. This was so bad. He needed to get away, to stop it, it was all that flew through his mind. Joe was dangerous. He had never thought the other man would physically hurt him. He wouldn’t have gone to him in that case. But Joe was still here. He still was standing behind him, and he still had the crowbar.

 _Oh god_ , he hurt. He tried to move sideways but couldn’t. He couldn’t move his right arm at all. He didn’t know what had happened to it. The pain he was in stopped him from moving, period. He could hear Joe swear behind him. He muttered something Mike didn’t make out.

He tried to move again, he was so damn scared right now. He knew that he was badly hurt and he needed help, medical attention, but Joe was still there moving around behind his back. Mike couldn’t stop a pathetic whimper from getting out as he tried again in vain to move.

“Oh, shut up. Go to hell!” Joe screamed and this time he kicked Mike in the stomach. He fell down on his back from the force of it. He cried out when he landed on his injured back. His head was spinning as it connected with the ground. He thought for sure that he was going to pass out. He almost wished he would because maybe then Joe would stop hurting him.

His wish wasn’t granted though because he was still awake, now with a terrible pain in his stomach as well. He could barely breathe from the force of the kick. He was slightly aware of some kind of moaning sound that he suspected came from himself. He tried to protect his stomach with his left arm since he still couldn’t move the right one, something was terribly wrong with it. He didn’t want to think about it. All he could think about if Joe was finished with him or not. He blinked and tried to look up at the other man, but had trouble seeing, he thought he had blood in his eyes. He wanted to cry.

Joe was mumbling to himself walking back and forth in front of Mike.

“Damn it!” He exclaimed and stopped. Mike whimpered and tried to move back but it hurt too much for him to get anywhere. Joe didn’t do anything though. “Look what you made me do!” He roared instead and Mike wanted to tell him that he didn’t do anything at all.

Joe seemed to consider what to do next because he looked up and down the street to see if anyone was there. He swore again before coming closer to Mike again. Mike tensed as the man leaned down over him, but the only thing he did was to grab Mike below the armpits and then he started to drag Mike towards an empty ally next to the entrance. Mike screamed again as Joe touched him, because it jarred all of his injuries, worst by far was his back. Something was definitely broken there. Oh god, he wanted to pass out. Joe dragged him up to a dumpster and Mike felt tears appearing as Joe stopped in front of it.

“No, no, no… please.” He mumbled feverishly but Joe didn’t hear him. He was trying to figure out how to get Mike into it the easiest way. Mike let out another scream as Joe tried to hoist him up, but he couldn’t hold the lid open at the same time. Joe swore again, gave up his attempts and started to drag him to the side of the dumpster instead.

“This will have to do.” He said as he dropped Mike down next to it. Mike could see how Joe nudged his legs further back, so that he wouldn’t be in view from the street. He was really going to leave him like this. More tears dropped down his face and he felt pathetic being left here like broken trash unable to do anything about it.

“Sorry it had to come to this, but you got what you deserved.” Joe muttered. “I’m sure someone will find you soon.” And with that he left Mike alone lying there on the dirty ground, barely conscious.

_-SUITS-_

Donna was waiting for Harvey when he got into the office. He had just met Evan Smith to try and make a deal to get the whole accusation against Donna disappear. He had been prepared to drop the case against Liberty Rail just to get Donna out of it.

“How did it go?” She asked as soon as he stepped into the office.

“Never mind how it went. Where is Mike? Did he file those papers?”

“Eh..I don’t know. He is not even in yet.”

“Well you tell him not to file anything, and you tell him to do whatever he has to, to stick it to that woman.”

“Why?”

Harvey shrugged a little. “Because it didn’t work.” He said.

“What didn’t work?”

“I tried to make a deal with Evan to trade the case.”

“You mean you offered to drop the case in exchange for me?”

“Yes.”

Donna accepted that. “And now what are we going to do?”

“You are not going to do anything. I’m going to do whatever I have to, to get Terrence Wolf to back off.” Harvey started to walk out of the room, but Donna followed him. She was hesitant, doubting that it would work but Harvey managed to convince her that he was going to get this done.

He went to the DA, and while there he got worse news. Donna had been committing felony fraud. This was bad. As soon as he got to the office he brought Donna into his office. She had been lying to him! He couldn’t let that go, even though Donna said she was sorry.

Harvey needed to continue and he needed Mike’s help. He called again, but there were still no answer from the kid. After an angry voicemail he felt so frustrated that he threw the phone down on the table. He then went to search for answers.

He didn’t bother knocking when he stormed into Rachel’s office, not that he did otherwise.

“Where is Mike?” He demanded to know.

Rachel looked up at him, surprise written on her face.

“What do you mean?” She started.

“Where is he? He has some shit to take care of.”

Rachel stood up. “What do you mean, where is he? I thought he was here at work, or with you.”

“Does it look like he is with me Rachel?” Harvey said with a fake sweetness in his voice.

“No it doesn’t.” She said, annoyed. “He left before me this morning.”

“So where did he go? Where is he?”

“I don’t know, Harvey. He just said that he had something he had to do. I looked for him earlier, but I couldn’t find him. But I was sure he was with you...” Rachel looked right at him now, she looked worried, but Harvey was too railed up to care about that. Instead he felt annoyed since Mike clearly wasn’t at the office.

“I’ve called him twice already, but he didn’t pick up. When he gets here, send him straight to me, and he better have an explanation!” he warned before leaving.

Rachel sat down again and picked up her phone to call Mike herself, however she got the same response as Harvey. Nothing.

At first Rachel decided to give Mike an hour to turn up, then she would start to worry about him. But she couldn’t let him out of her mind. Why didn’t he pick up his phone? Harvey had said that he had called Mike twice, and now she had called as well. Surely he should have gotten back to them by now?

She wished she had been more alert this morning and asked him where he was going but she had been too engrossed in her latest paper for law school. He had just kissed her cheek and told her that he needed to take care of something and see you at work. She had barely said goodbye to him.

Two hours later she was officially worried. She had called Mike three more times, even called the landline to their apartment, because maybe he was there. He wasn’t. She had gotten no replies.

It was time to go back to Harvey. Maybe he would have some news.

The door to Harvey’s office was closed and Donna was in there. It looked like they were involved in an argument and she decided to wait until they were finished. Her worry took a different turn as it looked like Donna was crying. She had never seen them argue like that.

Now they were just standing there looking at each other and she decided to walk in. However she knocked on the door first. They both somehow seemed a bit relieved at her interruption.

“Is everything okay?” She carefully asked as she saw how Donna wiped her face with her hand.

“No it’s not!” Harvey said harshly. “And where the hell is Mike?”

“That’s why I’m here. He is still not here and I haven’t heard from him...” She said.

“God damn it!” Harvey swore. “I’m going to kill him! He chooses now of all times to disappear!”

“What happened?” Rachel had to ask. “Is Donna still in trouble?”

“Yes she is. She is going to be charged with felony fraud if Mike and I don’t come up with a way of making this go away.”

“Oh god, Donna.” Rachel said and offered out a hand towards the other woman. She sniffed a little but took it and squeezed it.

“Thank you Rachel.” She said. “Why don’t you help Harvey and I’ll find Mike.”

“Okay.” Rachel agreed and watch her leave along with Harvey.

“You haven’t heard from Mike, have you?” She asked.

“I can’t be bothered with Mike’s shit right now Rachel. We need to find something. This is what I want you to do.” And he explained to her what he needed from her.

It turned out that the situation was worse than Harvey had thought, and for the first time in a long time he actually felt truly scared that he wasn’t going to get them out of this, and now on top of this Mike chose to be absent. He couldn’t help but feel resentment against the younger man. What was he doing? Now when Harvey really could use his help. He shook his head a bit to get his annoyance over Mike out of his head and instead focused on what he had in front of him.

Meanwhile Donna didn’t know where to look for Mike. She had no idea about where he might have gone. This time she had chosen to just stay out of what the men was doing since she actually felt scared for her future. She had just thought that finding out where Mike was could distract her now, but she didn’t know what he had been doing.

She felt a bit ashamed of it now, but she kind of blamed him for her being in this much trouble, she knew she only had herself to blame but Mike had been the one to use the files she had provided for him by pretending to be someone she wasn’t. Although Mike had questioned where she had gotten the files and suspected that it wasn’t the right way she got them, but he had still used them. Sure she had told him to, but now she was in trouble and he wasn’t there and she felt angry at him.

She still sat down and started to try and locate him. She started calling his phone but no surprise there, didn’t get an answer. Next she tried calling around to people that she thought might have a clue about Mike’s whereabouts but turned up empty. She couldn’t help but glance over at Harvey once in a while, worry tingled inside her as it looked like he wasn’t happy. She also thought about the argument they had had. She had admitted things she didn’t want to admit to Harvey. She admitted weakness, that she wasn’t perfect and she had asked Harvey to comfort her and he had turned her down. He wouldn’t have done the same with Mike, in fact earlier he hadn’t done the same with Mike. He had fought so much harder for Mike. Mike who now was missing apparently.

Eventually after calling everywhere she could think of Donna tried calling Mike again, but when his voicemail went on she couldn’t help but leaving message for him.

“I don’t know what shit you are pulling right now Mike, but this is not the time. Just get back in here now, so we don’t have to waste our energy on trying to figure out where you have gone. I just can’t help but thinking that you are being selfish at the moment, you know I’m in trouble and you are pulling this disappearing act on us.” She hang up and went over to Harvey’s office to admit her defeat.

She knocked and stepped inside. “I haven’t been able to locate Mike.” She told him and watched as he rolled his eyes in annoyance.

“Damn him. What is he playing at?” He mumbled.

“I don’t know Harvey. Do you want me to go and look for him?”

“No we have better things to do here.” He sighed and then told her what else she could spend her time with, and Mike disappeared from their mind for a couple of hours. That was until Harvey’s phone rang.

_-SUITS-_

Mike watched Joe walk away from him from where he was laying. At the same time as he was relieved panic started to fill him. He needed to get himself help but that man had just hidden him out of view. He doubted that he would be able to make himself heard all the way to the road, so he dismissed shouting. But how would be then get help? He could barely move and he hurt everywhere. He tried to breathe slower, he was almost hyperventilating right now and that wasn’t helping with anything. He needed to get control back over himself, besides it hurt too much to breath like this. He was pretty sure that he was going to pass out at any moment and he needed to get help before that happened, or he was screwed. Maybe if he could just turn around a little he would be able to get up onto his knees. He had to try.

It turned out to be a really bad idea. As soon as he tried to move pain seared through his entire upper body, causing everything to go black for a couple of seconds. He was sure that he was going to pass out, he might have screamed as well. He needed a full minute to get himself clear enough to be able to think any coherent thoughts.

Okay, so moving was out of the question. If he couldn’t move to someplace where people could find him he needed another way. Where was his phone? He needed to call for help. He needed to call Harvey. Harvey would help him, he would fix it. Fix him. That was the only thought that came to his mind. But he didn’t know where his phone was. He had had it when he left home this morning he was sure of it. It must be in his pocket. Even if it was just a tiny movement he made with his arm he thought that he was going to pass out. He had never been in this much pain before, it was raw and intense.

There! It was there! His phone. It was in his pocket! Of course it was, but it was just pure luck that it didn’t flew out when he was hit. He could feel it in the pocket but to get it out of there was another matter, he was laying on it. He felt faint and lightheaded and knew he needed or hurry up. He took a deep breath and tried to turn over on his back. It didn’t work and pain exploded and took over him. He knew nothing else.

When he came to again he didn’t know where he was at first. All he could see was an ugly green wall that took up most of his vision. He was in so much pain. Something had woken him though something shrill and persistent. After a few moments he realized that it was his phone. Someone was calling him. He needed to answer it. That was very important because maybe if he did this pain would end. It radiated from his jaw, his arm, his back, and his head. He was so tired and he didn’t dare to move because that was going to make everything so much worse. But he also wanted the sound to stop.

He wasn’t strong enough to stay awake, he could feel it coming, himself slipping without being able to do a single thing to help himself.

Some time had passed when he woke up next because he felt stiff and he was aching from staying too long in the same position. He knew once he woke that this was it. This time he needed to call for help or he might just die here. No one was coming for him, no one was looking for him or they would have been here by now.

He had to get himself some help. He didn’t want to die like this, laying behind some dumpster like he was nothing and no one. Why hadn’t they come for him? Surely they must wonder where he was by now. Where was Rachel and Harvey?

The phone, he needed to get it. If he just moved a bit forward with his hip. It was going to hurt like hell but maybe he would be able to get it then. If he tried it slowly.

It was excruciating. He moaned as he grouped for the phone with his good hand. Tears sprang to his eyes when his fingers touched it. He let out a sob when he thought that he wouldn’t be able to grab it. His fingers slipped against the phones surface but he couldn’t get a grip of it, it was stuck in his pocket. He lay breathing there for a while before he tried again. This time he managed to get a grip around the corner of the phone and could wedge it out of his pocket. He moaned a bit in relief as he held it up to his face.

He blinked a bit and managed to get the phone to work. He had a few missed calls from Harvey, Rachel and Donna. He needed to call them. He needed them right now. He really needed help. He was starting to feel faint again and the light from the phone didn’t help much. Harvey would help him. He needed to call Harvey.

It was difficult to hit the right place on the phone’s screen with only one hand. It worked when he put his hand on the ground and painfully turned his head to be able to see it. He touched Harvey’s name and brought the phone close to his ear and waited.

Harvey answered right away and he sounded angry. He almost yelled on the other line and Mike’s heart sank in his chest. What had he done to warrant this anger? He said Harvey’s name and surprised himself at the sound of his voice. He could barely speak.

Harvey sounded even angrier. Mike didn’t know why. He tried to follow what the other man was saying. Oh, right! He said something about Donna. Mike had almost forgotten about that. How could he have done that?

But then Harvey asked him where he was and he tried to figure that out. It was really hard to get out what he wanted to say and that worried him a lot. He feared that he was going to pass out again before he got Harvey to understand that he needed help. But where was he? He didn’t know the address. He couldn’t remember it! Joe had been there though. He had been to see Joe. Joe had done this to him. And he could come back! He needed Harvey to come and get him. He needed to tell Harvey what had happened. But he was just so tired. He couldn’t hold his eyes opened anymore. His back really hurt too. And his face. It hurt to talk.

He could hear Harvey’s voice as he was talking but Mike couldn’t make out the words that he was saying anymore. A fleeting thought told him that he probably should be worried about that and that he should do something. It was getting harder to maintain his grip on the phone and it slid down on the ground. He fumbled for it a bit but soon gave up.

He didn’t hear Harvey anymore. He needed to pick the phone up again because he wasn’t sure if Harvey was coming for him or not. He tried a little but found it too exhausting. Was he going to get help or was he just laying here? Was Harvey coming for him? That was his last coherent thoughts before everything went dark and he fainted again.

_-SUITS-_

Relief mixed with anger as Harvey saw that it was Mike that was calling him. He was still pissed at Mike. He was pissed about a lot of things regarding Mike, for the part he had in Donna being in this mess, for risking her, and now for being absent for this long without a word to any of them. But still, he had wondered where he had been. He had even been slightly worried. But now Mike was calling!

“Mike! Where the hell are you? Do you know how many times we have called you? You better have a good reason for not being here.”

“ _Ha-Har... Har…Har -vey…_ ” He heard Mike on the other line. He was stuttering and Harvey’s anger rose even more.

“What the hell Mike! Are you drunk?”

There was a pause while Harvey thought of what to scream next. He couldn’t believe Mike! He really counted on the kid with this. He needed Mike’s help, even though he was pissed at him for letting Donna do that for him.

“ _No…_ ” Mike slurred next.

“Are you kidding me? Have you listened to yourself? I need you to get in here right now. Donna is still in a lot of trouble Mike.”

“ _What?_ ” Mike whispered.

Harvey sighed. “Look, Mike. I don’t know what you are doing, but nothing is more important to me than getting this shit with Donna taken care of. So will you just get you shit together and get to the office.”

“ _D-Donna…_ ” Mike said.

“Yes…” Harvey paused. Something was different. “Mike?” Harvey was suddenly starting to suspect that something wasn’t right. Mike was still slurring, maybe a bit too much. And why the hell would he go out drinking this early? He knew what had been at stake.

“Mike? Where are you?” he asked, a bit friendlier this time.

“ _I…I don’t know._ ” Mike mumbled. “ _Joe…he…I was…._ ” Harvey could hear him grunt a little.

“Mike are you okay?” Something was wrong, he knew that now. Mike was in trouble.

“ _He…he…_ ” Mike panted. “ _Harvey…_ ”

“Yeah, I’m here. Are you in trouble Mike?”

“ _Yeah…_ ” Mike breathed. “ _Please._ ” He sounded faint now and Harvey felt something cold run down his spine at that whisper.

“Mike you need to tell me where you are, or I can’t help you.” He waited but Mike didn’t answer him.

“Mike!” He yelled in the phone.

“Harvey?” Donna was standing in the door way with a worried expression on her face.

“Mike, answer me!” Still nothing, but then he heard a little rustle in the background and then a small thud and the call was disconnected.

“Damn it!”

“Harvey what is it?” Donna asked. “Was that Mike?”

Harvey nodded at Donna as he tried to dial the kid again and listened as the signals rang. Mike didn’t answer.

“Something is wrong. He didn’t make any sense. He was slurring and didn’t know where he was. Damn it!”

“Oh god, you have to find him!”

“I know.” Harvey stood up. “I intend to.”

“Where are you going? What do you want me to tell Rachel?”

“He mentioned Joe Henderson, so I’m going to start there. And tell her that he called and that I’m getting him.”

“Harvey, she is going to be worried.”

“Well, so am I. You tell her what you want.” Harvey said shortly.

Donna looked after him as he strode away. She bit her lip as she hoped that this was nothing serious. They couldn’t deal with that right now, maybe Mike had just been drinking and that had caused him to slur? But she knew that wasn’t the case because Harvey had said that he was worried. But she really hoped that this was nothing, because she was facing charges and she would need both Harvey and Mike’s full attention to get out of this. She also hoped that it was nothing because of the angry voicemail she had left him earlier.

Somehow she couldn’t help but feeling a bit annoyed with Mike that he chose this moment to get himself into trouble. He was interfering with Harvey’s work and for once she just wished that the kid would not do that.

She had thought it for some time now that sometimes Harvey was almost obsessed with Mike. But Mike had grown at the firm and was handling his own cases and she had wanted to help him. It had backfired on her and she thought that the least Mike could do was to not do something stupid that got him in trouble. However she couldn’t tell Rachel any of this.

The younger woman became just as worried as Donna had suspected she would.

“But what did he say? And what do you mean slurring?”

“I don’t know Rachel that was all that Harvey said. I’m sure he is fine.”

“But if he is fine, how come he didn’t know where he was? He isn’t fine. Oh god, I want to go with Harvey, did he leave already?”

“Yes Rachel, he did. And he will find Mike and bring him back here. It’s probably nothing.” She really hoped that she was right. Guilt had started to seep into her mind and she tried to push it out again. What if something really had happened and here she was, annoyed because they weren’t focused entirely on her.

She told Rachel that she would keep her company until they got news from Harvey, and why didn’t she continue to work to distract herself? Rachel looked like she wanted to do anything else but work, though she still nodded and bent her head back down over her files.

_-SUITS-_

Harvey swore as he closed to door to the factory behind him. He had been right and Mike had been there, but that had been hours ago this morning. Mike had been seen there talking to Joe which meant that Joe was the last person he talked to before going missing. Now that damn whistle blower was nowhere to be found. They said that he had left shortly after Mike did, telling people that he was sick.

Afterwards Harvey couldn’t be sure what had made him decide to try and call Mike again, but it was a good thing he did.

“You better pick up kid.” He mumbled as he heard the first dial tone. Nothing. But what was that? Was that Mike’s ringtone? He hang up, and it stopped. Had it been in his imagination or did he just hear Mike’s phone ring? He redialed, and yes! There it was. Mike’s phone was here somewhere!

The excitement he felt about that died almost instantly as he realized that this couldn’t be the good news he was hoping for. It was not like Mike was hanging out in a shabby ally next to a damn factory the whole day. Harvey stepped into the ally and could hear the sound from the phone better. He looked around.

“Mike? Mike are you here?” He called out. As nobody answered he hurried his steps. He was starting to hope that the only thing he would find here was Mike’s phone, that the kid just had dropped it here after confronting Joe. But that didn’t explain the phone call Mike had made to him.

The sound from the phone was now coming from the dumpster standing next to the wall.

“ _Please_ don’t let him be in it. _Please_.” Harvey whispered to himself. It would be absolutely awful if the kid had been shoved in a dumpster. Harvey thought back on the call Mike had made to him earlier. Mike hadn’t known where he was. That alone had been a really bad sign and Harvey braced himself as he stepped forward, closer to the dumpster. But the sound wasn’t coming from in there, and Harvey breathed out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding. His heart was beating hard as he turned to the side of the dumpster steeling himself as he hang up his phone and stuffed it in his pocket.

Because there he was. Mike was laying on the ground with his eyes closed. His phone was laying next to his face and Harvey caught the glance of the screen going dark after showing a missed call. Harvey’s eyes wandered along the kid’s body and he was frozen in place at what he saw.

Mike looked awful. The whole left side of his face was painted in different shades of black and blue and he was bleeding quite heavily from a scrape on his forehead. The blood had run down his face and had smeared along the terrible bruise. Harvey had to swallow hard when he realized that it looked like Mike’s face had been sort of misshaped along the damaged area. He was laying pressed against the wall on his left side with his right arm uselessly hanging in front of his body. It looked sort of like he had been stuffed in there to be out of sight from the road.

“Oh god, please Mike…” Harvey mumbled and compulsively swallowed as he crouched over Mike to carefully check his pulse. It was there and he was alive and breathing! But Mike needed help right now, this instant. Harvey’s hands were shaking as he dialed 911 for an ambulance.

His words stumbled out of his mouth sounding all shaky and weak, like it wasn’t his voice at all. He was told that help would come in the matter of minutes and that he shouldn’t touch Mike unless it was necessary. He didn’t want to ask what those necessary circumstances would be. As he hang up he fell down on his knees as close to Mike as he could. What had happened to the kid? He needed to try and rise him. He just needed to know if it really was as bad as it looked. He prayed it wasn’t.

“Mike, kid? Can you hear me?” He carefully placed a hand on Mike’s face making sure to avoid the blood. Someone had done this to him! To his associate.

“Mike? Please wake up.” He jerked a little in surprised and removed the hand when Mike actually stirred and groaned weakly. Harvey’s heart was beating so hard in his chest that it almost felt painful. His stomach felt tight.

“Take it easy. It’s okay. You are going to be okay. Can you open your eyes?” He kept talking barely aware what he was saying. He fought to keep his voice calm.

Mike’s eyes fluttered open and he stared unseeingly in front of him.

“Good job kid. Can you hear me?”

Mike blinked slowly and let out a whimper that caused Harvey to shudder. He hated this, seeing Mike in pain like this. He had to fight to suppress the anger that rose in him at the thought of the abuse Mike had experienced, but anger was for later.

“Mike? It’s me, Harvey. Can you talk to me?” He asked again. He lightly put his hand back on the small undamaged area of Mike’s face. He watched as Mike’s eyes blinked heavily again and tried to look up at him.

He whimpered again and mumbled something that Harvey had trouble making out.

“What was that?” he asked.

“D-don’t… don’t…” Mike repeated. He heard it now. Mike was begging him. Probably not to hurt him, he didn’t know who he was. Harvey shuddered.

“I won’t. Hey, I’m not going to hurt you. You’ll be okay. I’ve called for help Mike.”

“H-help?”

“Yes, I’m here now. I’ll help you.”

“Har-Harvey?” Mike’s voice had risen a bit in volume. He seemed to be a bit more aware.

“Yes, it’s me kid. It’s me, Harvey.”

“You…you’re here. You came.” Mike stated as he tried to move a little to be able to look at Harvey. It turned out that that was a bad idea since he let out a pained sound and closed his eyes as he shook where he was.

“Try not to move.” Harvey hushed him. “Stay still Mike. Please. I don’t know how hurt you are.”

“He hit me.” Mike weakly told him. “He…he…I”

“Shh…I know.” He wanted to touch Mike, but didn’t know if he dared to. His hand hovered over the kid’s shoulder, just lightly touching it. Where was the ambulance? Would they be able to see them from here? What if they just drove by them? He leaned away to look towards the road. However Mike noticed this.

“No…Harvey, no. Pl-please. Harvey please.” He said and the idiot tried to move again and groaned.

“Mike, don’t move!” Harvey exclaimed.

“But, please… I just…please?”

“Please what?” 

“Help me?” Mike blinked rapidly and bit his lip. Otherwise he kept still.

“Oh kid, of course. Mike…” Harvey carefully placed his hand on Mike’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Help is on its way. I’m here. I’ll help you.”

Mike blinked at him and moved his head a tiny bit to show that he understood.

“They should be here soon.” Harvey told him.

Mike didn’t answer now. His breathing came out quick and hard. Harvey swallowed. For a moment they stayed like that, Harvey keeping his hand on Mike’s shoulder.

“Har-harvey…” Mike suddenly said and grunted a bit. Harvey took a deep breath before speaking again. He needed to remain calm for the kid.

“Mike. I’m here. Do you think you can tell me where it hurts?”

“My head…and my back. And…” Mike got out through clenched teeth before stopping. He moaned a little.

Harvey nodded. “Okay. Okay.” The knot in Harvey’s stomach tightened. His back? That sounded bad. He couldn’t see much of Mike’s back, and he couldn’t turn him to look either. He willed the ambulance to just get there faster. “Try and stay still for now, just try and breathe through it.”

They stayed like that for a minute or so, Harvey wasn’t sure how much time passed. Mike mumbled something that he couldn’t make out so he leaned closer and asked what he had said. Mike had his eyes closed and didn’t open them now either.

“Sorry…” he whispered and Harvey thought he could see wetness along Mike’s eyelashes.

“No, Mike. Don’t be sorry. You don’t have to be sorry. Never. Not for this. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

Mike didn’t answer him and didn’t open his eyes as Harvey’s worry increased. A few more tears escaped and trailed down Mike’s cheek. Harvey found himself shushing the younger man and lightly stroking them away with his other hand, the one that wasn’t placed on Mike’s shoulder. He could feel the man shaking beneath him.

He felt like he was shaking himself but for other reasons than Mike was. He was so filled with emotions that he thought he would burst open, because he couldn’t let any of them out. He was so worried about Mike and what injuries he might have and he was angry at the person who did this to his Mike. And he was furious about the fact that ambulance wasn’t here yet when Mike needed help now!

He shoved all of that down though and focused all his energy on talking to Mike, trying to reassure him. Silently begging for Mike to just stop shaking like that. What if something was seriously wrong?

He was just about to call 911 again when he heard the sirens.

“Finally! They are here Mike, help is coming. Just hold on a little longer.”

Mike still didn’t answer or made any signs that he heard Harvey. It was very worrisome. This wasn’t Mike, this still and broken person laying disposed like garbage wasn’t his Mike. Somehow Harvey had an urge to shake him and scream at him to stop, stop being like this. He didn’t do that though, instead he stood up and waved with both hands as he saw the ambulance pulling up. When he saw the doors open and two paramedics starting to run towards him he sank back down towards Mike.

“Help is here now Mike. They will fix you up.”

Mike didn’t react and Harvey screamed at the paramedics to hurry. He was shoved out of the way in a fashion he never would have put up with otherwise. Now he just stood there and watched as they worked on Mike. They tried to speak with him but didn’t get a reply.

“What happened to him?” they asked Harvey but he shook his head.

“I’m not sure. He said he was hit and that his head and back was hurting.” It was all Harvey could tell them. They ignored him after that.

They didn’t move Mike at all at first but the female paramedic’s fingers lightly traced over Mike’s body while the other were setting up their equipment. They were speaking quickly to each other. As the after a couple of minutes moved Mike over to a gurney being very careful with his back.

During all this time Mike didn’t stir. They had placed an oxygen mask over his face.

Harvey wanted to ask questions. He wanted to know why Mike wasn’t waking up, what was wrong with him? Was he going to be okay? But he didn’t ask, instead he followed behind the gurney and helped lifting it in the back of the ambulance. They let him ride along inside the ambulance, sitting on a bench along the wall, if he stayed out of the way. Harvey told them he would. He wrenched his hands and didn’t take his eyes away from Mike.

Time just passed. Harvey wasn’t aware of much that was going on around him except for that he was there in the ambulance with Mike in front of him. Thoughts swirled around in his mind but he couldn’t catch them long enough to finish them. Different emotions fought for a place in his chest, worry, anger and guilt rose and sank within him.

When they arrived at the hospital he was shown to a waiting area and told that they would come and speak to him later. Harvey had to settle with that. He went to a bathroom and splashed cold water on his face before he took action. He called Donna and also Rachel, she deserved her own phone call. He also called Jessica. Donna didn’t say much on the phone except that she was on her way. More guilt swelled inside of Harvey at the thought of her. She had enough to worry about and now Mike was hurt. Rachel had sounded terrified. The two women arrived together thirty minutes later. After that they all waited.

Rachel sat close to Donna and wouldn’t really look at the other two, Harvey wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not.

“But what happened to him? How bad was it? What did he say?” She wanted to know, even though Harvey already had told them.

“He was hurt pretty bad Rachel, but I don’t know how badly. He was awake and talking though.” Harvey didn’t know if that was supposed to be a good thing or not. He didn’t tell Rachel what Mike had said. Or how Mike had begged him when he thought that Harvey was leaving him there. He also didn’t tell her that he had found Mike stuffed behind a dumpster. She didn’t need to hear that. He didn’t want to bring her to tears.

A while later the police arrived as well and Harvey dealt with them as fast as he could. He wanted to be able to hear if there was any news of Mike. He could feel both Rachel’s and Donna’s eyes on him when he talked to the two police officers in the other end of the room. He told them as much as he could think of, and they would be back later.

It took three hours until someone came to talk to them. It was a small women with a pony tail and a serious expression on her face that introduced herself as Mike’s doctor.

She looked at them all in turn before speaking.

“Mike is stable at the moment, his injuries are not life threatening.” She began. Harvey didn’t dare to relax. There was something else. “However we are not sure how serious he has been hurt at the moment.”

Rachel let out a low moan and the doctor smiled sadly at her. “I know this is hard to hear.” She said.

“Mike was unconscious when he came in and hasn’t regain consciousness yet. We have taken him for x-rays and they have revealed a broken cheekbone and a small skull fracture. We are monitoring it closely for further swelling. He also have a broken arm. What is more concerning at the moment is the injury Mike sustain to his back and right shoulder. We are fearing that there has been some nerve damage due to the severe hit he took against his back and shoulder blade. Bone fragments might have damaged the nerves.”

She paused here, watching them with a sad expression, waiting for their reactions. Rachel was staring at her seemingly unaware of the tear streaming down her face. Donna was holding her hand, looking pale.

“What kind of nerve damage? What does it mean?” Harvey asked.

“We can’t be sure until Mike wakes up. I just wanted to prepare you.”

“Prepare us for what? What’s wrong?” Rachel asked.

“Nerve damages are complicated and it is too early to tell, but spine damage might be a possibility. But it is too early to tell at this moment.”

“Oh god.” Donna whispered and Rachel shuddered.

The doctor couldn’t tell them much more than that about the supposed nerve damage except that nothing was for sure yet. They could be mistaken and Mike might be lucky, they would know when he woke up. Harvey felt sick. He had a lump in his throat and an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. They were told that they could see Mike in an hour or so when he was settled into a room.

They waited a bit more, mostly in silence. Donna and Harvey let Rachel go into Mike’s room first when they finally were allowed to see him. They followed her inside when Harvey couldn’t wait any longer. At least she got four minutes.

Mike wasn’t a pretty sight. He looked better than before though, now when the blood had been cleaned off his face. The wound from where the blood had come from were stitched up and he had a bandage around most of his head. His face was swollen around the area he must have been hit. He was pale and had a nasal cannula and IV:s sticking out from both of his arms. He looked sick and small and just wrong on the hospital bed propped up against multiple pillows. He also had a cast around his right arm.

Donna sank down in a chair next to the bed, leaving Harvey standing since Rachel had the only other chair. For a moment he wished the women wasn’t there, he wanted to talk to Mike, but not with them there. “Oh kid.” He whispered now, clenching his teeth together.

Rachel had one of Mike’s hands in hers and was talking quietly to him. Harvey couldn’t really make out what she was saying and he didn’t try so much either. It was almost like it hurt in him as well to see Mike like this. He almost wanted to leave but couldn’t move an inch.

It wasn’t until the next day that Mike showed signs of waking up. They had all been there from early morning and didn’t stay the night since the hospital hadn’t permitted them to do so. Maybe when Mike was better, for now they wanted to be prepared if something were to happen they had said. It wasn’t comforting at all for any of them. But they eventually left. Donna took Rachel with her back to her place and Harvey went home by himself. It was good that Rachel and Donna had each other, but Harvey couldn’t help but feeling alone. Even though it had been late he had went to the gym for an hour. And after that he went home and tried to get some work done. He tried to figure something out that would help with the case involving Donna. It took some persuading but he managed to get a delay on things due to the circumstances. That was a good thing since it was hard focus right now. Mike had chosen the worst possible time to have this happening to him. Not that he blamed Mike.

He had a hard time falling asleep. Every time he closed his eyes he was back in that alley, finding Mike’s broken body, or he pictured the way Mike had looked on the hospital when they left him. Hurt and vulnerable. He had looked so young as well, like a damaged child.

He couldn’t help but feel guilty for what happened either. Mike must have been in that deserted alley most of the day. Maybe he had been passed out until he managed to call Harvey. And what had Harvey done? He had spent the day with being angry at the kid, met him with anger when he finally called for help. When Mike had needed him he hadn’t been there for him. That hurt. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mike laying there. What if he had been awake and not passed out the entire time? He must have been in terrible pain.

That damn Joe Henderson was going to get what was coming to him, Harvey would make sure of it. Mike had done his best in trying to help him, but Harvey had forced him to drop the case. Mike had gone there because of what Harvey had told him. He had practically sent Mike there himself.

He had nightmares when he finally fell asleep.

There hadn’t been any change the next morning when he got back to the hospital. Rachel was already there then. Mike looked about the same, only slightly worse since the bruise on his face had changed color.

Donna was there too when Mike started showing signs of waking. He let out a moan and twisted a little on his bed. Rachel carefully squeezed his hand and called his name. Harvey couldn’t help but smiling when Mike’s eyes opened. However his eyes were unfocused and he blinked rapidly against the light.

“Shh…Mike, you are okay.” Rachel said. He barely reacted.

“I’ll get his doctor.” Donna said and disappeared.

Mike moaned a little again and squeezed his eyes shut, his body tense. He was in pain. A nurse was there the next moment and Mike was looked over. She promised to get the doctor there as soon as possible.

A few minutes later Mike was doing a bit better and seemed to be more alert. Harvey took a seat close to him.

“Hi kid.” He said when Mike looked at him. His eyes were only half open and he seemed to struggle with keeping them that way.

“Hi…” he said.

“How are you feeling?”

Mike answered by coughing a little, his face contorted in pain. “It…it…it hurts…a little.” He whispered.

“It’ll get better.” Harvey said.

“What-what’s with…why…what.” Mike coughed a little. “What happened?”

”You tell me kid.” Harvey said, but then changed his mind at Mike’s lost look. “You were attacked.”

“What? By…by who?”

“I was hoping that you would be able to tell me that. But I think it was Joe, you mentioned him on the phone when you called me.”

Mike just looked at him. His mouth opened and closed. “I…I don’t know.” He then whispered. “It hurts Harvey.”

“Okay, okay.” Harvey patted his arm a little. “How about we try and do something about that then.” He pushed a button for the nurse’s station and a young man soon walked in. Mike had his eyes closed but the nurse shook him carefully and asked him a few question. Mike only shook his head or nodded. 

“Unfortunately we have you on the highest doses, but I will page your doctor again.” The nurse said apologetic before he left.

If Mike hadn’t been looking the way he did right now, Harvey would probably have screamed a little at the damn doctor. Why weren’t they helping Mike?

As for now they waited as Rachel stroke Mike’s arm. The kid had his eyes closed. Harvey didn’t know if he was sleeping or not. Most likely he wasn’t since he was so tense and his body was trembling.

To Mike the whole situation was just confusing and painful. What he wanted the most was just to pass out again. Being awake was stressful. He wasn’t sure where he was or why he was there. He should know those answer and knew they were in the back of his mind somewhere, but right now he couldn’t reach them.

He was gently being awoken by a doctor that wanted to test a few things. That wasn’t a pleasant experience and it didn’t help that he held Rachel’s hand. He hurt all over. His face and back was the worst. He still couldn’t think clearly and that scared him. Was his arm in a cast?

He had been attacked. By who? Harvey said it was Joe, but he couldn’t remember that. He was glad though that Rachel, Harvey and Donna were all there with him. He didn’t feel good. His body felt strange. Something was wrong. He noticed the worried look his doctor had where she stood next to Mike. She knew that something was wrong as well. No one told him anything though. He soon fell asleep again.

Harvey watched Mike sleeping for a while. His heart ached for the younger man, but at the same time it felt like he was boiling with rage. Joe Henderson had done this to Mike, he was sure it was him even though Mike hadn’t been able to confirm or deny it. He had caused Mike so much pain and they still didn’t know all of the damage. Mike wasn’t well enough yet to go through the necessary test, they had been told.

Harvey got a phone call shortly after that and he needed to head to the office. The case against Donna was starting to move forward again. Rachel and Donna stayed behind though. Harvey thought he would be able to come back in a few hours.

_-SUITS-_


	2. Chapter 2

When Mike woke up again only Donna and Rachel was there. Harvey had to go to the office, they told him. He couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed. Harvey had to go back to work already. But both Rachel and Donna were great. They helped him to get more comfortable, helped him to drink and got his nurses to up the pain killers. And they talked to him. He felt a bit clearer in his head but still groggy and his body felt kind of numb. Something was wrong with him. There were something strange with his legs, which was weird. He hadn’t injured them. He remembered now what had happened during his attack. Remembering wasn’t pleasant at all and he wished for obliviousness, but wasn’t that lucky. He didn’t want to think about his injuries at all. It made him feel sick and helpless. There seemed to be so many of them as well. He didn’t even know how he had managed to break his arm. He didn’t feel like moving now because it felt like he was going to make things worse if he did.

Harvey showed up a while later. Instead of going to Mike he took Donna out into the hallway to talk. Mike got worried.

“Where did they go?” He breathlessly asked Rachel but she didn’t know. They came back a while later and then Donna took Rachel and left. Rachel said that she would go home and get him some better clothes. He would like to have that so he didn’t argue. Even though he kind of didn’t want to be where he was and wished she would stay. 

Harvey now took a seat in the chair Rachel had been in. It was pushed close to Mike’s bed and Harvey moved a bit further away. 

”Do you remember what happened to you Mike?” Harvey asked.

He nodded. “Most of it.”

“You think you can tell me then?”

“Sure.” Mike said, but nothing else.

“Now, or…? Do you want to wait?”

“I went to see Joe and told him I was dropping the case. He accused me of selling out but I left and he followed me outside. He…he had a crowbar Harvey.” Mike got lost in those awful memories. “He hit me with it… three times I think. And then he… he tried to get me out of the way. He was going to…” Mike had to stop.

“Put you in a dumpster?” Harvey suggested carefully.

Mike’s eyes widened and Harvey saw how he tensed. “Yeah.” He whispered. “But he couldn’t lift me up that high, so he stuffed me behind it and then he left me there.” Mike swallowed and stared in from it him for so long that Harvey thought that he wouldn’t say anything else. But he did.

“I knew I needed to get help.” He spoke slowly now.

“And you got help Mike.” Harvey said.

“I was so afraid that I would pass out before…” he blinked a bit. “Before I got help.”

“Well, you did. When I found you, you were unconscious.”

Mike just nodded a little. “I don’t really remember much about what happened after. It is a bit scary. I always remember.” He swallowed hard.

”Maybe you don’t need to remember this, Mike.”

“Maybe not.”

“Mike, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry that I didn’t found you sooner.”

The other man shook his head a little. “No, it’s fine. I’m the one that should be thanking you. For coming to get me. Thank you Harvey.”

“I shouldn’t have sent you there.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “This wasn’t your fault. I went there myself, without telling anyone. I have myself to blame for this.”

“The hell you have!” Harvey exclaimed. ”Don’t you blame yourself. It’s that idiot Joe that is to blame for all of this! What the hell was he thinking?”

“That I just destroyed the only chance of a decent life he would ever get?”

“Are you justifying him?” Harvey started to get angry now.

“No, of course not. But…”

“But nothing! He could have ended you. I’m going to fucking kill him as soon as they find him.”

Mike just sighed and leaned further down onto his pillows.

Harvey’s phone beeped and he froze in his seat as he read the message on it. Damn it, this was bad news. He needed to get over to the office. He looked over at Mike who now had his eyes closed. He could see that the kid most likely was in pain. Damn, he didn’t want to do this.

“Look Mike, something has come up.”

Mike sleepily opened his eyes. “What?” he said.

”It’s about the case.”

Mike looked at him and raised his eyebrows a little.

“What are you not telling me?” Mike asked. “What’s going on?”

Harvey sighed a bit. They hadn’t talked about Donna’s case yet, so Mike had no idea what was going on with it. And now Harvey couldn’t count on Mike to help with it. He needed to figure this out by himself and he couldn’t do that in a hospital room. They had gotten some time because of what had happened with Mike, but that time was over now and the other side were moving forward whether they were ready or not.

 “Mike, Donna is being charged with felony fraud and she is guilty.” He didn’t say anything else than that. Under other circumstances he would have come off harder on Mike for his part in this, but not this time, not with Mike looking like he did now. Not with him in pain like this.

Mike was quiet for some time.

“Five elements.” He then mumbled. “Proving fraud consists of five elements.”

“They have all of them Mike.”

“What about injury? How did she injure Liberty Rail? Evan Smith won’t sit in front of a jury and explain how those documents can injure her clients without exposing them.” Mike closed his eyes in what Harvey guessed was pain. Harvey thought for a while, his brain working quickly. Mike was on to something.

“I think you got it Mike. The worst thing Donna did then was trespassing. I can use this. I have to go, but I’ll be back to see you later.”

“No.” Mike said to Harvey’s surprise.

“What? Yeah, I will.”

“No, I mean…” Mike paused to swallow. He tried to focus his eyes on Harvey’s. “Don’t go. Rachel isn’t here either. She… she’s not here. Can’t you stay?”

Harvey sighed. “I can’t Mike. I want to but I can’t. This is for Donna. You know she is in trouble.”

Mike looked at him for a long time and Harvey could easily read the emotions that played across his face. He bit his lip but nodded.

“Right.” He quietly said. “Okay.”

“Look, I’ll see if someone else can come by and keep you company.”

“No it’s fine.” Mike hurriedly said, but looked like it was far from fine. His eyes darted back and forth between his lap and Harvey’s face.

Harvey felt so torn. He didn’t want to leave Mike like this, but at the same time he needed to go and do this for Donna.

“I’ll come back Mike.” He said when he was at the doorway. Mike didn’t even look at him.

He didn’t like leaving him like that, but he had to. They needed to get this case out of the way. The meeting went well, and he felt relieved. He went to the office intending on telling Donna the good news and then leave for the hospital again. But at the office just after Donna had thanked him the DA came and screwed everything up again. She was up the next morning at nine. That changed his plans to go and see Mike. He felt terrible about it, but right now his focus was with Donna. She needed him more, at least that was what he thought. Sure Mike was badly hurt and in need of comfort and help, but Donna needed his help right now. Besides, Mike had Rachel. He would be fine.

The court didn’t go well and Donna was upset, she questioned him and asked for support, but he couldn’t give it to her. He wasn’t sure how he would handle all of this. So he made a phone call he didn’t want to make.

Mike’s voice were hoarse and weak when he answered.

“Hi Mike. How are you doing?” He asked carefully.

Mike didn’t even answer that. _“Are you coming here?”_ he asked instead and Harvey’s heart sank. He closed his eyes as he answered.  

“No, Mike. I can’t come right now.”

“ _But, you said… you said yesterday that you would come back. You… you didn’t._ ”

“I know. I know that, but right now I can’t. I have to deal with Donna’s case. I need your help Mike.”

The other man was quiet for a long time. “ _With what?_ ”

“Is Rachel with you?”

“ _Yes._ ”

“Good. Mike, I need you to send her over here. I need her help.”

“ _What?_ ” He could hear how Mike drew a deep breath. ” _But… but she is here with me, I don’t want her to go._ ”

Harvey pressed his lips together hard at the sound of Mike’s voice. It didn’t even sound like Mike. It sounded small and maybe even scared. He hated having to do this. Choose between who of the two people he cared most about in the world to support. And he hated having to do this to Mike. At a time when the kid really needed him, maybe more than he ever had, he was choosing Donna. He closed his eyes as he spoke again.

“This is for Donna, Mike. She might face prison.”

“ _Yeah, okay_.” Mike whispered after a short pause. “ _I’ll get her to come_.”

“Thanks, kid. Feel better.” He had wanted to say something else, something better and more meaningful, but he hadn’t.

Mike didn’t answer and Harvey was met with nothing. But Mike was true to his word and Rachel showed up a while later. She wasn’t happy at all about it though.

“I’m only doing this for Donna.” She said. “I hate leaving him like that.”

“He will be fine, Rachel.”

“You didn’t see him today.” She said looking away. Then she didn’t want to talk about it anymore and Harvey didn’t bring it up. He couldn’t let himself think about Mike being alone in a hospital bed right now. He just needed to focus on the case at hand, if he could figure it out he would have time later to deal with Mike.

_-SUITS-_

Mike wished that he had declined Harvey’s request for help. Something close to joy had surged through him when Harvey had said that he needed Mike’s help. He wanted to feel useful again even when he was laying in this damn bed just waiting for something, he didn’t know what. He had wanted a distraction from what was going on inside of him. He had needed that. Instead Harvey had basically asked him for his permission to take Rachel as help instead of him, instead of Mike. He was useless now. Harvey thought so.

He didn’t want to be alone now though. He was still in a great deal of pain. His jaw hurt when he moved it too much, like when he talked. But worst was his back. He wished he could lay some other way as to not put so much pressure on it, but there wasn’t really any other option.

It sucked. But the pain wasn’t the worst thing. No, there were something else that were wrong with him, in him. Something very wrong. He hadn’t really told Rachel or Harvey about that yet. He didn’t know why he hadn’t. But this scared him. Something was wrong with his legs.

He had been sleeping a lot while at the hospital, had been in pain and a little groggy. His whole body felt strangely numb and heavy. His doctors hadn’t really done a thorough check on him yet. They were going to do it today he had been told this morning. That’s why he wanted Rachel with him now. Rachel or Harvey or anyone. But they didn’t have time for him now. He had to deal with this himself. But it was just that he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to.

He felt so weak and humiliated. He had been so pathetic. He had been no match for Joe. He had even begged. He hadn’t told Harvey that. He would never tell anyone that. He didn’t tell the police when they were there to question him that morning. They hadn’t found Joe yet.

He really needed a distraction, right now. He found his phone on the little table next his bed. Someone had charged it for him. Probably Rachel. He opened it and saw that he had a lot of missed calls and messages. They came from Harvey, Rachel and Donna. He smiled when he read the worried messages from Rachel and the multiple _Where are you?_ from Harvey. But then Harvey’s messages got more annoyed and he felt a knot firm in his stomach. He hesitated before he listened to the voice mails. After hearing the last one that was from Donna he felt worse than ever. She accused him of being selfish for disappearing when he knew she was in trouble. She had left him that message at the same time as he had been laying beaten unconscious behind a dumpster. It hadn’t been his fault! Still he could hear the anger and resentment in her voice. It had been anger there, not worry. She had assumed that he had chosen to be away in the middle of the case against her, just as it seemed as Harvey had done. He couldn’t believe they thought that of him. He felt worse and upset now and threw the phone away from him wishing he hadn’t listen to the voicemail.

An agonizing hour later his doctor and a nurse came by.

“Hello Mister Ross. How are you doing?”

“It’s Mike.” Mike just said.

“I’m here to examine you. I’ll just raise your bed for a bit. How is the pain?”

“Not too bad.”

The nurse started taking his blood pressure and the doctor examined his jaw. She instructed him to only eat soft diet preferably through a straw until he had healed.

“Now, let’s take a look at your back.”

Mike felt his heart speed up, the doctor noticed as his breathing did the same.

“What’s wrong Mike?” She asked and laid a light hand on his shoulder.

He groaned as he tried to sit up. This was the first time he was somewhat upright and he felt a little dizzy. He felt himself start to shake. This was so wrong! It was wrong!

“My legs…” He got out. “It’s something wrong with them. I don’t think I can move them!”

“All right, Mike. I want you to just calm down now. Lay back down please.”

He didn’t listen to her as he tried again to sit up, pain seared through his back and for a moment he thought he was going to pass out. Everything went dark for a second and the next thing he knew he was back on the pillows. Apparently he did pass out.

“You back with us Mike? Can you answer me?”

“Yeah…” He mumbled. ”What happened?”

“You passed out. You are not ready to move around like that yet. You need to stay still. We are taking you for and X-ray in a few minutes.”

“But my legs…?”

“We will figure out that’s going on. Just relax for now.”

He groaned out loud. He was so scared.

She started examine him then, tested if he could feel anything along his legs and feet. She carefully lifted his legs one at the time. Mike had gripped the blanket with both hands and held on tight. He watched in terror how the doctor lifted his right leg and slowly put it down again. He couldn’t feel a thing!

“Nothing?” She asked.

Mike shook his head. “No…” he whispered as tears rose in his eyes.

“Do you need a break?” She asked. “I know how hard this must be.”

He shook his head. “Just get it over with.”

So she did as he laid there unable to stop the tears that were slowly running down his cheeks. He did his best in keeping himself calm.

They were finished a while later.

“Do you need to get some rest before we take you for the X-rays? Maybe you would like to call someone?”

Mike desperately wanted to answer yes to both of those questions but he just shook his head. He couldn’t call anyone anyway. They were all too busy with Donna’s case. Although he was pretty sure that someone would come if he called. But maybe then they would lose the case. He couldn’t have that on his conscience. So he shook his head.

The next thing he knew he was rolled into a room and placed next to some sort of machine. More people came into the room and he was gently placed on a gurney. They explained what would happen and what he needed to do. He had tears in his eyes. This was just so much.

About an hour later he was back in his hospital room. A nurse was there with him as they waited for the doctor and answers. He tried to stay as still as possible. If he kept his whole body still, then he wouldn’t know that he wasn’t able to move his legs. Every time he thought about that he wanted to freak out, he wanted to scream and cry until he couldn’t anymore. But for now he just kept still and waited.

He didn’t know how long he waited. The nurse tried to talk to him but he just couldn’t answer, she understood and just stay in silence in the room with him.

“I’m sorry for the wait Mike. I have the results from your X-rays but I wanted to take a closer look at them first.”

Mike just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice at the moment. The doctor nodded towards the nurse and she left the room leaving them alone. His doctor now held a file in her hand, his file.

“You have been doing very well Mike.” She smiled sadly at him.

“This is not going to be easy to hear Mike, and I’m really sorry to have to tell you this.”

He nodded, unable to get words out. It felt like his world were falling apart around him. He already knew what she was going to say, but his mouth wouldn’t work as he willed her to say something different.

“Mike, you suffer from a form of paralysis called paraplegia. Paraplegic paralysis is caused form injuries to the spinal cord, and these affect your brain’s ability to send and receive signals from below the site of your injury. It means that the hit you took to your back has caused nerve damage.”

She looked emphatically at him. “I’m so sorry Mike. You are paralyzed from the waist down.”

His mouth opened and closed a few times. Tears were in his eyes.

“No…” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry.” She said again and leaned forward and patted his arm. “Are you sure there is no one you want to call?”

He shook his head again. “Is it…is it permanent?” He asked instead.

“It’s uncommon for people with this kind of injury to recover.” She said.

“Oh god…” Mike whimpered. “No…” He started to cry. He threw his arm over his face as he tried to stop. His doctor sat there in silence with him, still with a hand on his arm in the cast. He didn’t move that one. It comforted him a tiny bit, even though he couldn’t really feel it through the cast. He regained control after just a few minutes and accepted a tissue.

They spoke a bit more, she told him that they would do other tests the next day and that there were a lot of help to get. She said that they had discussed the option of surgery but deemed that it wasn’t necessary in his case. She also told him that intensive physical therapy and functioning could help strengthen muscles and nerve connections. He knew she meant it to be comforting but wasn’t able to take it in.

A single thought kept running through his mind. _I’m paralyzed_. He couldn’t walk anymore. His life had just changed forever. He didn’t want to think about what all this meant.

His doctor stayed for another thirty minutes then she had to leave. She told him that he just could push a button and a nurse would be with him. Then she was gone and he was alone.

He couldn’t believe that this was happening. He couldn’t be paralyzed. It wasn’t in his world, it just didn’t happen. But then, here he was, unable to get out of bed.

He made another attempt to move his legs. He tried with all he had but they wouldn’t budge. He even hit his right leg as hard as he could just to try and see if he could feel something. He didn’t, except some pain in his hand. He just stared at his legs. It was like they suddenly wasn’t a part of him anymore. They had shut off. He had to look away. He knew it wasn’t so, but he almost thought they looked different already. Weaker.

He tried to breathe deeply. Tried to focus on something else than the non-existent feeling of his legs. It was so hard. He felt so vulnerable, so broken. He didn’t feel like himself anymore. He started crying again. He couldn’t stop it. And besides no one was there that could see him break apart anyway. But then he saw that the box of tissues were standing on a table out of his reach. That made him cry even harder. He hit his legs over and over as hard as he could and screamed in frustration and anguish.

He almost thought that his screams were loud enough to alert the staff, but no one came. He wished he wasn’t alone. He grabbed his phone that thankfully was within his reach and unlocked it. His fingers found the phone app and he pressed favorites. He stared at their names. His finger were shaking but it didn’t press down. He should do it. He was entitled to. They would come. He knew they would. Probably all of them. They would drop all they had at hand and come to see him. They would, right? Suddenly he became insecure. Donna were facing charges of felony fraud. Harvey and Rachel were working on helping her.

He dropped the phone. He would be paralyzed tomorrow as well. And all the other days. Donna might face prison. And that was his fault. He was the one that accepted and used the evidence she had provided for him. He had suspected that she didn’t get them in a good way, but he had trusted her. She was in trouble because of him. He had no right to call them here and disturb them from the case.

Harvey had said that he would be back soon. And earlier he had really been forced to work hard to convince Rachel to leave. He had told her that he would be fine. That was now the biggest lie he had ever told her. How would he tell her this? How would she react? Would she still want to be with him now? Everything were going to change. Maybe she even would have to take care him now. He wanted to cry again at the thought of that. He wouldn’t be able to walk the aisle with her on their wedding. If she still wanted to go through with it now. He was a cripple. He was damaged. Broken. Useless.

His thoughts only got darker and darker. He needed an out. He pushed the call button. A nurse came and after asking for some tissues he told her he was in really bad pain. He received medication, he felt a little calmer. He tried to empty his head. He managed to fall asleep, hoping it would last until the next day.

It didn’t and he woke up around three in the morning. He was still alone. Not that that surprised him that much. He had gotten a text from Rachel telling him she was working late and that there was a lot with the case. She would try to come by tomorrow. He wanted to call her so badly it hurt. For now he just answered her text. He had to think for a bit on what to write. He couldn’t tell her this over text. Instead he wrote that he hoped they would win the case. Nothing more than that.

He wished he could go back to sleep. His back was hurting. He carefully started to turn over on his side to ease it a bit, however he couldn’t. His legs were like a sack of cement and wouldn’t budge, he was only able to move half of his upper body then he was stopped. He groaned in frustration and stopped trying, the movement was hurting his back. He couldn’t help but feel incredibly sorry for himself.

He was paralyzed, helpless and alone. He was scared about his future and what it would be like now. He would be bound to a wheelchair. He wouldn’t be able to ride his bike anymore. That alone made him want to cry. And another matter, how would he even be able to dress himself? Use the bathroom? Getting on the wheelchair? All of those pretty simple tasks seemed suddenly unreachable to him.

He laid awake for hours before he fell asleep again.

The next morning he woke up by a nurse shaking him a little. He immediately hoped that everything had been a terrible nightmare. But his legs still didn’t move. Despair rushed over him and he wanted to go back asleep.

“I have some breakfast for you here.” The nurse said as he started to rise Mike’s bed. He pushed a table over Mike’s lap and placed a glass of juice on it as well as something that looked like a smoothie. There were straws in both of them. He didn’t really have an appetite but had nothing else to do so he might as well eat it. The nurse stayed until he was finished and then checked him over. He was told his doctor would be by later. Then he was alone again.

He checked his phone and Rachel hadn’t answered. He couldn’t understand why. And why hadn’t she even called him? And where was Harvey? He had said that he would come back, but he hadn’t. He hadn’t even called him. Not once. Didn’t they care anymore about him? How hard was it to place a single phone call? It would take them not more than five minutes. He just wanted to hear their voices. Should he call them? He decided not to eventually. If they didn’t want to talk to him he would leave them alone. He was pretty sure that they would contact him as soon as the case was closed. And besides, he wasn’t entirely sure that he would be able to keep it together if he called them.

He had a long, boring and sad day. His doctor came to see him again as well as some kind of specialist. He was fed with a lot of information of what his new situation entailed. He was told about help he now was entitled to, recommended to a physiatrist or help groups, they even told him about some blog that he might find helpful. Mike just wanted them all to leave. He didn’t want to hear about this because he wasn’t really sure he had accepted it yet. It all happened too quickly. He wasn’t ready to get his wheelchair over to a help group for newly disabled people or whatever.

They seemed to sense his mood and he was soon left alone. Lunch came in form of another smoothie, this time with vegetables in it or something. It was gross and he almost wanted to throw up. In the afternoon he texted Rachel again, as well as Harvey. He just asked how things were going and didn’t say anything about himself. They didn’t answer. He wanted to call them and beg them to come. Why wouldn’t they even answer him? It wasn’t too much to ask, was it? They knew he was hurt!

When dinner came and the nurse left again and still nothing from either Harvey or Rachel he actually allowed himself to cry a bit. He felt so abandoned. Maybe they knew what he was now and wouldn’t want anything to do with him now. He knew that they never would do that to him, but here he was all alone and he couldn’t stop those thoughts from coming. Could he even go back to work after this?

His back was hurting again and a nurse gave him something for it. He tried to sleep. When would they come? He decided to wait until nine and if they weren’t here by then he would call. What if they had lost the case and that’s why they didn’t call him. Maybe they didn’t want to burden him with the fact that he had gotten Donna in jail now when he was hurt an all. He didn’t know if he would be able to live himself if that were the case. If so he would have to do something. He could strike a deal, himself for her. He had something to bargain with after all, and now with his life like this, he might as well go to jail. He shuddered at the thought and clenched his teeth together. But how hard was it to let him know?

Time passed endlessly slow. He was laying with his phone in his good hand just staring at the screen and activating it every time it became black. Nothing happened and he let the tears run down from his eyes uninterrupted. He willed the phone to ring or beep or something. He felt so bad.

_-SUITS-_

It turned out that what Harvey and Rachel did worked. They managed to get the case closed. Harvey was so relieved, it had been close. Donna had almost been hurt. But it was over now and he didn’t want to think about it anymore. To celebrate they all decided to head over to the hospital. Maybe celebrate was the wrong word but it felt right to finally go and see Mike. He had practically been alone for the last two days. Both he and Rachel was feeling bad about that. Harvey felt even worse when Rachel said that she hadn’t spoken to Mike, just texted him late last night. But there hadn’t been a lot of time for much else than the case. But that wasn’t really true. A short phone call in the car to or from court would have been possible. Hopefully they could make up for their lack of communication now though. He would take a few days now to be with Mike now, whether the kid wanted him to or not. Mike deserved that much. He had just been though something traumatic and now he had been forced to deal with it alone.

Donna and Rachel stopped to get some food for all of them while Harvey proceeded alone to Mike’s hospital room. Mike was pale and laying still in bed when Harvey stepped inside, he was staring listlessly in front of him and didn’t acknowledge that the door opened. He was clutching his phone in his left hand.

“Hi Mike.” Harvey said, smiling against him when the younger man turned his face towards him. The bruises on his face stood out clearly, his skin almost seemed transparent and his eyes were a bit red. Mike looked almost worse than he had the other day and Harvey felt worried about the reason for that.

Mike didn’t answer him. It was quarter to nine. He had almost given up. Now when he saw Harvey he felt conflicted. He wanted to be mad at him for taking so long to show up, but at the same time he felt so relieved that he almost wanted to burst into tears. Harvey was finally here. He wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.

“How are you doing?” Harvey asked now.

Mike shrugged a bit, looking away. He wasn’t sure he would be able to look at Harvey just yet.

“I know what might cheer you up.” Harvey said. “Donna is in the clear! Rachel and I got the job done.”

“That’s great.” Mike said quietly, still not looking up.

“Yes it is. What’s with you? This is amazing news Mike.”

“I said it’s great!” Mike sounded angry now.

“Drop the attitude. You know, it _is_ great. You should be happy since it’s your fault she was in this mess from the start.”

“What are you talking about, the hell it is!” Mike yelled and the anger took over. What was Harvey doing attacking him like that the first thing he did? That wasn’t how it should be. He wanted Harvey’s support right now, nothing else.

“Well, you know what. Forget it. Sure, it’s my fault. Of course you are blaming me. How could I think anything different? You don’t give a shit about me anyway.” His face were turning red and his eyes a bit shiny. He continued.

“Why are you even here? You came to gloat that you finished the case without me, or what? Or did you just want to come here and make sure I knew that it was all my fault?” He was breathing hard now, but refused to look towards Harvey.

Harvey remained silent. Whatever urge he had had to yell back at Mike was gone. Something was wrong here. Very wrong.

“What happened Mike?” He almost whispered.

Mike did look over at him then, Harvey’s sudden change of tone startled him. They locked eyes and Harvey watched how Mike’s angry expression went away and a devastated one took its place. Mike’s eyes immediately started to tear up and his lower lip trembled. He opened his mouth just to close it again.

“Mike…” Harvey urged. Something was wrong. He waited for Mike to tell him. He felt himself tense where he was. The kid was quiet though.

“I’m is blaming you. And it all turned out okay, Mike. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Mike hesitated still but then decided to speak. He couldn’t bear this alone.

“Yesterday…” Mike started slowly. He didn’t know how to say this, so he just said it. “Yesterday they came to my room and they told me that I am paralyzed. I can’t walk anymore Harvey.”

Harvey froze in place at those words. He just stood there and tried to take in what the kid just had told him. Mike was paralyzed? Paralyzed. He wasn’t able to walk. That couldn’t be right. Could it? But tears were in Mike’s eyes now and he looked incredibly sad. This was devastating. Awful. And even worse, Mike had been alone with the knowledge since yesterday.

“Oh shit. Oh, kid.” Harvey mumbled as he found a chair and sat down next to Mike. What should he say? How do you respond to something like this?

“I’m so sorry Mike. I’m so sorry.”

Mike didn’t answer. It looked like he was fighting his tears. His hand came up and wiped at his eyes.

“I don’t even know what to say kid. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you call any of us?”

“You know why.” Mike said.

“The case.” Harvey said quietly. He wanted to curse himself.

“Donna is special, right?”

“Mike…”

“But Harvey, I was thinking, if…if it’s over now. Maybe you could… maybe you could stay here for a while now?”

Mike’s voice broke a little as he locked eyes with Harvey.

“Of course.” Harvey answered.

Mike was breathing hard and he had started to tremble, Harvey wasn’t sure he was even aware of it. He couldn’t help that his eyes wandered to Mike’s legs. They were still. Mike didn’t look at Harvey and had the blanket that covered him in a desperate grip.

“I just wanted some company.” He mumbled. “You didn’t even call.”

Harvey nodded and felt like shit.

“I should have called. I should have been here. I’m sorry you had to deal with this on your own.”

“It’s nothing new.” Mike snapped.

Harvey sighed a little bit. “Look Mike. I had to make a tough decision the other day…”

“And you chose Donna. It’s fine! I get it.”

“I did chose her Mike, at the time I thought her problem was more urgent. You get that, right?”

Mike had turned his head away from him now, his breathing were shaky and his lip trembled.

“I know.” He whispered. “I’m sorry Harvey.”

“For what, Mike?”

“For getting her into this mess. I shouldn’t have used the document, if I hadn’t Donna wouldn’t have been…”

Harvey interrupted him. “It wasn’t your fault Mike. Donna made her own decisions.”

“But you just said…”

“It was bullshit Mike.”

Mike didn’t react to that. He kept looking down. “Can you look at me?” Harvey asked. What Harvey saw in his eyes when he did made him feel like hitting something, or someone. He never wanted to see that look on Mike’s face. But now wasn’t the time for anger. Instead he carefully placed a hand along Mike’s face and held his gaze.

“Nothing of this was your fault. Do you hear me?”

Mike nodded a little as a few tears escaped and trailed down his cheek.

“I can’t move my legs Harvey.” He said brokenly.

“I know kid.” Harvey answered him. “I’m sorry.”

“What am I going to do?” Mike asked quietly looking up at him now with something wild in his eyes.

“You will be okay Mike. You will take it easy and we will figure this out.”

“But how?” Mike wanted to know and Harvey wasn’t sure how to answer that.

“You’ll work it out. You always do.”

Mike looked away. “I don’t know how to work this out. I don’t know.”

“Well, I’ll help you.”

But Mike didn’t acknowledge it. He looked like he was fighting to keep himself together. And he really was.

It took Mike all of his effort at this moment to not break down. During their conversation he had been close many times. From the moment Harvey first stepped into his room until now when Harvey said that he would help him. He hadn’t known how much he had needed to hear that.

Finally someone came to see him, and finally he didn’t have to be alone. And now Harvey said that he would help. He could have burst into tears at that moment, but had stopped himself by trying to not react at all, when he really wanted to just reach out and hold on to Harvey with all he had just to keep him there.

But then he realized that Harvey hadn’t really come here for his sake. Harvey had just wanted to let him know that Donna was in the clear. It was great news of course but his own news made it too difficult to be truly happy for her. And in a terrible moment he wished that he could have traded places with Donna. That he would be the one that faced jail and who Harvey had fought for, but that meant that Donna would have been in his situation and he didn’t wish that for anyone. The thought made him feel incredibly guilty as well, how could he have thought that?

But that didn’t stop the hurt he felt in his chest as Harvey told him that he had chosen Donna over him. It also made him remember the voicemails left in his phone. For a moment then he wished that Harvey would leave the room so that he could break down in peace. But also, if Harvey left now it would end him. So he apologized even if it was mostly to make Harvey like him again. Harvey said that it wasn’t his fault and it felt good to hear it.

Harvey told him that everything would work out. Mike couldn’t see it at all, how could this work out? He couldn’t walk anymore! However he didn’t have time to talk more about it.

“Rachel and Donna will be here soon, Mike.” Harvey said, “They are bringing food.”

“Don’t tell them.” He said.

“Mike you can’t keep this from them.”

“Yes I can, it’s my decision when to tell them. And besides they are here to celebrate aren’t they? This,” he mentioned for his legs, “would bring down the mood, wouldn’t it?”

“Mike, you can’t keep this from them.”

“Yes I can, it’s my decision!”

“Mike, they deserve to know!”

“I’ll tell them, but not tonight.”

“They would want to know. How do you think they will feel when you tell them tomorrow?”

“I don’t care. What about me? If I don’t want to tell them it should be my decision.”

“You are paralyzed for god sake, Mike! But fine! Don’t tell them. It’s up to you but I don’t agree with your decision.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Mike looked away again. Harvey didn’t understand, he was doing this for Donna and Rachel. Donna must be so relieved and happy now to not have to be in trouble anymore. They were all coming to celebrate that and Mike couldn’t be the one that took that away. But he hated the way Harvey had just told him that he was paralyzed.

Harvey sighed but regretted it when he saw how Mike flinched and looked up at him with wide eyes. Harvey nodded towards him then and smiled a little. He couldn’t argue with Mike now. The younger man was looking out into the room with a lost look now.

“When will they come?” He asked in a small voice.

“Any moment I guess.” Harvey said.

“Are you sure?” Mike asked and Harvey studied him.

“Of course.” He said.

Mike didn’t say anything else he just kept his eyes locked on the door, Harvey waited in silence with him. His thoughts were spinning around in his head.

_-SUITS-_


	3. Chapter 3

Mike smiled when Rachel and Donna came into the room. Rachel come up to him and kissed him. She then apologized for not coming sooner. He just drew her towards her and held on. He breathed in the faith scent of her shampoo from her hair. She gently hugged him back and they sat there for a while. Donna hugged him as well.

Rachel and Donna had bought something to eat for him as well, but he had to decline and only had a soda. They told Mike all about the case, what they had done.

“So how are you doing Mike?” Donna asked when they had been quiet for a while. Mike swallowed and glanced at Harvey. What should he answer?

“My back’s been bothering me.” He said to buy time. It wasn’t a lie. He just couldn’t tell them. Donna looked so happy. Or not at this moment when she looked at him. He saw compassion in her eyes.

“They took you for those test? What was the results?” Rachel asked. _Tell her_ a voice in his head said. He opened his mouth to answer. He swallowed. But the words didn’t come. He shook his head a little.

“I haven’t seen the results.” He said. It wasn’t a lie, no one had showed him the papers, just told him about it. He suddenly felt so tired. He wanted to ask Rachel to lay down next to him, but then she would know. And also Harvey and Donna were still there.

“They still haven’t found Joe Henderson.” Harvey said then. “I called the police earlier. They said that his house is empty, but they had a few leads that they didn’t want to discuss with me.”

With that the discussion was directed away from Mike’s position. He felt grateful towards Harvey for doing that. He couldn’t really explain himself why he didn’t want to tell them. He knew he would have to soon. It was not like he could hide it. But for now Harvey was enough.

They actually had a nice time after that, and Mike found that he was able to think about something else for some time. That was until he tried to shift on the bed and noticed that he wasn’t able to. Harvey saw him pale, as did Donna.

“What’s wrong Mike?” She asked.

“It’s getting a bit late. Maybe we should let Mike get some rest.” Harvey suggested when Mike didn’t answered and just looked at her with those wide eyes. He just felt that he needed to do whatever he could for Mike at this point.

“Yes, don’t you think that nurse from earlier looked a bit disapproving?” Rachel smiled.

Mike tensed where he was. He didn’t want them all to go! He looked at Harvey, he nodded at him.

“The night is still young.” Harvey said. “Why don’t you two go out and celebrate us wining the case?”

Rachel and Donna looked at each other and smiled. “Mr. Specter has a point.” Donna said to Rachel.

“Is that okay with you Mr. Ross?” Rachel asked Mike.

Mike and Harvey exchanged a confused look. “Sure.” Mike said hesitantly.

So Rachel kissed him on the cheek and to Harvey’s surprise Donna did the same with him. “Thank you Harvey.” She whispered and then they left, both laughing.

“What’s with them?” Harvey asked staring after them.

Mike smirked. “I don’t know, Mr. Specter.”

“Oh shut up.” Harvey sat down again.

“How are you holding up?” He asked. Mike shrugged, suddenly feeling down and tired.

“Well, it is late.” Harvey made to stand up.

“Are you leaving?” Mike said wanting to curse himself when his voice shook. Harvey froze.

“Can’t you stay here?” Mike then found himself asking. Suddenly it just got too much for him. He was tired, hurting and scared to be left alone again. He hid his face behind his hand.

“I’ll stay.” Harvey said quietly then. He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder. He kept it there until Mike was ready to remove his hand.

“Do you want to talk?” Harvey asked.

Mike didn’t know what to say. “About what?”

“You being paralyzed?”

Mike flinched. Harvey looked at him sadly. Poor kid. Today he had managed to get Donna out of her mess, but Mike, he wasn’t sure how to help him.

“They said it’s uncommon for people with these kind of spinal cord injuries to recover again.” Mike said.

Harvey sighed. Of course it was. Mike had his eyes locked at his legs now. He looked lost and scared. Harvey wanted to say something that would comfort him, but he wasn’t sure on what that would be.

“But it happens?” He carefully asked.

“She said it was permanent.” Mike shrugged. They were quiet for some time. Then Mike spoke again.

“You were right.” He said.

“I usually am.” Harvey tried to joke. “In what?”

“He ended me.” Mike whispered.

“Hey, don’t say that. He didn’t end you. You are still here Mike. You will be okay.”

Mike still didn’t look up, he shook his head a little.

“I’m a cripple now Harvey. I won’t be able to do anything anymore. I’m useless now.” He let out a deep breath. Harvey clenched his teeth.

“No.” he said firmly. “Look at me.” He waited until Mike’s tired eyes met his.

“I don’t want to hear you ever say that. You are not useless Mike. You are not. You were the one that figured out how to win the case.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Yes it was, without your injury idea we wouldn’t have gotten anywhere. And that was when you were high on drugs. You are brilliant Mike.”

“Whatever Harvey.”

“No. That’s my honest opinion.”

“Thanks.” He whispered.

“I’m terribly sorry this happened to you, and I will always regret that day, that I didn’t do more to prevent it, acted sooner. But Mike you are not useless, this doesn’t define you. You can take on anything, this as well. Sure it will suck at times but you’ll get through it.”

Mike looked at him with sad eyes as if trying to decide if Harvey really meant it.

“I’m proud of you.” Harvey said. “You are strong. And I have already told you that I will help you as much as I can to get you through this.”

Mike nodded. He felt close to tears. Harvey never said that he was proud of him, he had only done that once and that was just because he chickened out when he was about to fire Mike. But he knew that Harvey meant it. He could see it in the other man’s eyes. He smiled a little.

“Thank you.” He said. “It means a lot.”

Harvey nodded.

“Do you want to get some sleep maybe? You look dead tired.”

Mike nodded again. He was tired. But there was something he wanted to ask Harvey. He just didn’t know how. He would break down if Harvey said no. He just knew he would. He just wouldn’t be able to take being rejected at this point.

“What it is?” Harvey asked. “Mike?” He was a bit worried. The kid looked like he was in pain.

“I know it’s…stupid, but…” Mike paused.

“What is stupid?”

“You think…you think you could…” his voice broke and he had to stop. Tears were gathering in his eyes against his will and he felt pathetic.

“Do you want me to stay the night?” Harvey said then. Mike bit his lip as he nodded, looking away from Harvey.

“Of course I will, kid. Of course I can stay here. You are not getting rid of me that easily.”

Mike breathed out from relief. “Okay.” He said and looked at his boss. He tried to smile but didn’t really succeed. It looked more like a grimace.

“It’s okay.” Harvey said and patted his arm. “You can sleep. I’ll be here.”

Mike trusted him. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. He still heard Harvey being there. It was comforting. He was asleep a few minutes later.

Harvey felt himself relax a little. He swore to himself. He really wanted to hurt that damn Henderson for doing this to Mike. Tomorrow he would call the police again and see if they had caught him yet. That man had destroyed Mike’s life. And for what? Mike had just been the messenger.

But he couldn’t focus on that now. What he needed to focus on now was Mike. Mike needed him now and would mostly likely need him more than ever. He probably wouldn’t ask for it, but Harvey intended to be there for him.

Mike had yet to come to terms with his new situation. Harvey had seen how he flinched every time the word paralyzed came up. He must be so scared. Harvey knew he would be. There would be so much Mike wouldn’t be able to do now, so many places he couldn’t go to anymore. Did the office building have a ramp up to its entrance? He wasn’t sure. And Mike wouldn’t be able to ride that stupid bike anymore. He knew Mike loved that. He watched Mike’s sleeping features, looked at his legs. He didn’t know why he did it, but he leaned forward and tapped Mike’s leg. No reaction. He did it again, harder. Mike slept on and Harvey’s heart clenched. Damn it!

It was close to midnight and Harvey felt tired. He should try to get some sleep himself. He didn’t look forward to sleeping on this hospital chair. He managed to fall sleep after an hour or so.

 

_-SUITS-_

At first Harvey didn’t know what had woken him up and for a moment he was confused on where he was. He remembered as soon as he laid his eyes on Mike. The kid was sitting up, hunched forward and was breathing heavily. He had folded himself down with his head hanging over his legs and Harvey couldn’t see his face.

“Mike? What is it? Talk to me.” He asked and got up from the chair and leaned over Mike.

Mike just kept breathing and Harvey thought about getting someone in there. “Hurts.” Mike slurred then and Harvey drew a hand through his hair in frustration.

“Okay, where does it hurt?”

“My back.” Mike mumbled and didn’t move. Harvey pressed the call button. Just a minute later a nurse was there and did something, Harvey didn’t see what it was, but Mike was helped to lay down again by her and soon after they were alone again. Mike had his eyes closed but he couldn’t have fallen asleep that fast.

“What’s happening?” The kid asked then.

For a moment Harvey didn’t know what to answer. What did he mean?

“You were in pain.” He said. Mike opened his eyes and looked at him as he nodded.

“I can’t move my legs.” He said.

“I know.” Harvey said.

“I can’t move them. I can’t walk. I can’t do anything.” He said heartbrokenly. His lip were trembling and his eyes were shiny.

Harvey felt useless. What should he say? Should he be supportive and tell Mike that, no that wasn’t true he would be able to do anything he wanted. Or should he just let Mike be sad and allow him to grieve what he had lost.

“I’m so sorry about that.” He said.

Mike looked at him. He was still in pain. He had been dreaming when he woke up from the pain. He had been back in that alley with Joe except this time Joe wouldn’t stop hitting him. He had screamed at Mike to run if he wanted to live, but Mike hadn’t been able to. In the dream he had started to crawl forward away from Joe, dragging his useless legs behind him.

He felt scared now. He was sad and frustrated. He wanted help. He wanted comfort. He couldn’t ask for it from Harvey. He just couldn’t even though he wanted to. He couldn’t stop the tears this time. He decided to not care. So what if Harvey saw him break down. He was already weak. He was already pathetic. He quietly sobbed and felt tears run down his cheeks all the while Harvey just sat there rigidly next to his bed. He wanted to go home. He wished that he was home with Rachel.

“What am I supposed to do now?” He said. “I won’t be able to do anything anymore.” He had just gotten a horrible thought.

“Oh Mike.” Harvey whispered.

“I mean…” He said. “Harvey… our building doesn’t even have an elevator! I…I can’t get home.”

He couldn’t stop his voice from breaking. He hadn’t even thought that earlier. How could he not have thought about that! But it was true. He wouldn’t be able to get up into his own apartment! He wanted to break down just over that.

“Calm down. We’ll figure something out.” Harvey said.

“How!” Mike yelled. “Are you going to carry me upstairs every day, or what?”

“Mike…”

“I can’t go home. I can’t go home. Where am I going to go?” More tears rose in his eyes. They ran along his face and dropped down on his shirt. He didn’t bother wiping them away. He didn’t care. He didn’t know what to do other than to sit there and cry. He was basically homeless now.

“You can stay with me until we figure something out. I have two elevators.” Harvey said.

Mike couldn’t help but let out a laugh. “Right.” He said.

“I’m serious.” Harvey said. He had gotten up and were standing close to Mike’s bed. He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder and held on to him. It caused Mike to cry harder. He couldn’t help it.

Harvey noticed it as well and he held on a bit harder. He felt this strange feeling inside him. Like he picked up on Mike’s pain and it hurt him as well. The whole situation was so awful and Harvey felt helpless. But it didn’t take long until Mike started to lean against him and Harvey then brought up both of his arms around Mike’s body. He pulled Mike close to him and Mike let himself lean against the older man. He cried in earnest then. It felt good to be held like that. He felt comforted by Harvey, for the first time ever since he had found out he felt some kind of comfort. He flung an arm up and grabbed Harvey’s suit jacket and held on to it. If he had to he would do everything he could now to stop Harvey from stepping away from him. He just needed this. Harvey was stroking his back, carefully avoiding where he had been injured. It was soothing.

“It’ll be okay. I’ll help you. You are not alone” Harvey was saying. Mike did his best to believe him.

Harvey didn’t know for how long he stood there with Mike in his arms. He had never done this before. But he knew that he helped Mike somehow by doing it.

It was awful at first. He thought that Mike never would stop, that he would make himself sick from crying that hard. His whole body shook violently with each sob and Harvey held on hard to him to not lose his grip on the kid. He kind wanted to cry himself. It hurt inside him as he listened to Mike and felt him shake against him. He just held on to the younger man and waited. Mike needed this. Harvey could feel how Mike’s grip on h remained tight.

Eventually Mike stopped crying. He was leaning heavily against Harvey and his breathing had slowed down a little. But Harvey still didn’t move, not as long as Mike still held on to him. After a while though Mike’s grip on him lessened and his arm fell down. Harvey guessed that he must be sleeping, but he didn’t dare to move for another twenty minutes. He just stood there and held his associate, his friend, against him. He realized that he needed it as well.

Eventually when he was ready, he slowly and carefully leaned Mike back against the bed. He pulled the blanket higher over him and found himself stroking Mike’s hair a little. Oh, how he wished that this never had happened to Mike. He wished that he had been able to protect him. That they had gone to see Joe together.

Harvey didn’t sleep that much the rest of the night. He didn’t want Mike to wake up and feel alone. However the kid slept through the night.

Mike was subdued the next day when he woke up. A nurse was there for a while and they were told that Mike had a doctor’s appointment set for later that afternoon. After the nurse left they sat in silence. Mike wouldn’t look at Harvey. That was until Harvey felt a bit annoyed.

“Are you doing okay?” He asked.

Mike nodded and took a deep breath. “Sorry about last night.” He said.

“Look at me.” Harvey waited. “You have nothing to be sorry about. You held out longer than I expected.”

“What do you mean?” Mike said. Also a bit annoyed.

“I thought you would break down sooner. I know I would have.” He said kindly.

Mike swallowed. “It wasn’t the first time.” He said quietly.

“Oh.” Harvey cursed internally. Of course it wasn’t, Mike had been alone for two days with the knowledge of being paralyzed. “Sorry again for not being here.”

“You had other things to take care of. It’s okay. You are here now. And you were here last night.” he felt how he started to blush.

“Still. I regret it.” Harvey said. “I could have taken the time.”

Mike really didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He clenched his teeth, but stopped when his jaw hurt. “Okay. Thanks. Good to know.”

But Harvey didn’t want to let it go apparently. “You must have thought that we didn’t give a shit about you.”

Mike looked at him and swallowed. He didn’t know what to say. So he said nothing, until Harvey continued.

“I’m so sorry if you felt that way. It’s not true.”

“I know that Harvey.” Mike needed to get him to stop. “I feel better now.”

Harvey seemed to get it. He smiled a little. “That’s good. Your doctor were here earlier by the way, but you were sleeping so sweetly so she didn’t want to wake you up.”

Mike rolled his eyes and choose to ignore that comment. He didn’t feel like talking so much more after that. His doctor arrived and Harvey got to ask questions. It was hard to hear it all again. He mostly stayed silent and listened. They took him for and other MRI to check something more closely. He got to sleep some as well.

Rachel arrived around lunch, Mike had another smoothie.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” She smiled and carefully kissed him. “Hi Harvey.”

“Hi Rachel. Did you have a good night?”

“Eh…sure.” She blushed a bit.

“I’m heading out for lunch then.” Harvey said. “I’ll give you two some time to talk. I’ll come back later Mike.”

“Yes, sure. Thanks.” Mike said absentmindedly. He knew what Harvey wanted him to do. He was going to do it too.

Rachel looked after Harvey for a moment.

“Did he stay the night with you?” She asked.

“Eh… yeah he did.”

“Why did he do that?” She was starting to look worried now.

Mike swallowed. He was nervous. “Because I asked him to.” He said.

“Mike, why did you ask him to? Is something wrong?”

“Well, yes. Actually something is wrong Rachel.” He reached for her hand with his left. She took it and held it hard in hers. She waited for him to continue. He hesitated.

“Mike?”

“Yeah. Look Rachel, I should have told you earlier but I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to worry you or take your attention away from the case. And last night you were all so happy because you won so I…”

“Mike calm down.” She said and stroke his cheek a bit. ”Whatever it is, just tell me.”

He swallowed hard and nodded.

“Rachel, you know that he hit my back with a crowbar, right?”

She twisted a bit and nodded.

“Well, that hit damaged my spinal cord. Badly. I’m…I’m paralyzed Rachel, from the waist down. I can’t move my legs.” He looked her in the eyes and saw when the realization of his words set in. She removed herself from him and put both of her hands over her mouth.

“Oh my god, Mike. Oh my god.” She took his hand again and her eyes started to fill up with tears.

“Rachel…”

“They told us before we got to see you, that it might be bad. But then no one mentioned it after that so I just thought that you were fine. Oh my god Mike.” Her voice shook, and tears were running down her face.

“I’m so sorry. Is it permanent or is there a chance…?” She asked.

“Most likely permanent.”

“Oh no. When did you find out?”

He didn’t want to tell her that. He hated seeing her cry and knowing he was the cause of it.

“A while after you left to help Harvey.”

Her eyes widened. “So you knew yesterday when I was here and you didn’t say anything?”

He nodded.

“Mike! Why didn’t you tell me? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? We were joking around while you were laying in bed, paralyzed. You told me to go out with Donna and celebrate?”

He didn’t know what to answer. “Sorry.” He whispered. “I’m sorry Rachel.”

“No, why didn’t you even call? You should have called me as soon as you found out. I would have… Why didn’t you?”

Mike just shook his head and she removed her hand from his.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god.” She whispered, more to herself than to him. Then she stood up and he jerked a bit. She didn’t notice.

“I’m sorry Mike. I just need a little time to process this.” She started to back towards the exit. She was still crying.

“No, come on Rachel. Don’t go! You can’t….” He called after her, but she was already out of the door. He stared after her with wide eyes. She left. She had left him! He tried to calm his breathing and stared down at his legs. They were suddenly blurry. He blinked and they were clearer again. He wiped his face and then sank down on his bed and looked away, anywhere was good as long as he didn’t had to see his legs.

He tried to come up with a reason as to why she had left him. Why would she do that, when he needed her more than ever? He let his tears flow freely. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried this much. But at this point he didn’t care. He felt heartbroken and abandoned. He wanted to scream for her to come back, to not leave him. She had no right to leave like that. Sure he didn’t tell her, but she never asked. She didn’t call him, she didn’t come to see him when he had needed her to. She had known that he was hurt, but still she practically ignored him. And when he told her, she had practically accused him. Why couldn’t she just think of what he was feeling? He felt so helpless as he looked at his legs and then the door. He couldn’t get there.

His heart jumped in his chest when the door suddenly opened, but it was Harvey.

“Mike? Mike, what’s wrong?!” Harvey rushed to his side upon seeing him. “What is it? Are you in pain? Do you need help?” he continued when Mike didn’t answer straight away.

Mike shook his head. Harvey’s heart was beating hard in his chest with worry as he gripped Mike’s shoulder. He was surprised when he came back from a quick lunch just to find Mike crying again. What was it? And where were Rachel?

“She left.” Mike chocked out then and Harvey closed his eyes for a few seconds. This was bad.

“Why did she leave Mike?” He asked.

“I told her about… you know. And that I found out before yesterday and then she just left. Why did she do that?”

“I don’t know kid.”

“I asked her not to.”

“I’m sorry. Do you want me to go and find her?”

Mike seemed to consider this for a moment but then shook his head. He was starting to calm down.

“She said she needed time to process.”

Harvey nodded and sat down. Mike busied himself with discreetly wiping his face with an edge of his blanket. He then leaned back on the pillow with a sigh. He didn’t meet Harvey’s eyes.

They were quiet for a couple minutes. Mike felt embarrassed over displaying his emotions like that. He was glad that he older man was there but at the same time he didn’t feel done with his breakdown. He was able to keep the emotions at bay but feared that anything could trigger him and he would lose the grip he currently had over himself.

Harvey fervently tried to figure out something to say. He wasn’t good at this. Every single thing he thought about saying now seemed inappropriate in some way. Work didn’t seem to matter and that was mostly what he and Mike spoke about. Insulting the kid in some way or quoting movies didn’t seem like a good idea either. So he was silent. It had been sort of easier when Mike had been so upset that what Harvey said didn’t really matter, but now Mike just laid there staring at nothing and Harvey wasn’t sure if Mike wanted him to treat him normally or not.

He also couldn’t believe what Rachel just had done to Mike. Left him like that. That must have hurt the kid immensely. Mike had just been through something incredibly traumatic that had changed his life drastically and Rachel’s first reaction had been to flee. He was sure that she would be feeling really bad about it but it still angered Harvey.

“So, they still haven’t caught Joe?” Mike said eventually.

“No, not that I know of.”

Mike nodded and felt a knot in his stomach.

”They will though.” Harvey added. He watched how Mike swallowed, and suddenly he somehow felt responsible for Joe still being out there. Damn. Then Mike spoke again and Harvey felt even worse.

“What if he comes after me again? What am I going to do then?”

“Hey, he is not going to do that.” Harvey said and wished Mike would look at him.

“But if he does it’s going to be even easier than it was the first time.”

Harvey didn’t like the way Mike spoke, his tone were neutral in a way like he didn’t really care. It wasn’t like the Mike he knew.

“Mike. Listen to me. It won’t happen.”

“I didn’t fight back at all you know.” Mike said with something defiant in his voice. Harvey wasn’t sure on what he was doing.

“As I understand it you didn’t have much time for that.”

“Well, you weren’t there were you?”

“What are you trying to do here Mike?”

“I’m not trying anything! I’m stating facts.”

“Well, you should stop doing that. It’s stupid.”

Mike angrily turned his head away from Harvey, because that he was all he could do. He still fought with his emotions. He had tried to distract himself by trying to provoke Harvey. He wanted to get mad instead of feeling sad but Harvey wouldn’t let him. But apparently he was stupid now.

A part of him wanted Harvey to leave so that he could let it all out but the other much larger part knew that he wouldn’t be able to take it if Harvey left now too. Rachel was enough. He didn’t want to think about that anymore. He concentrated on thinking about nothing. That would be so much better if he could do that. He heard Harvey sigh next to him and immediately felt his eyes burn.

“By the way Mike. Donna called me, she will be here any minute.”

Mike froze.

“What?!”

“Yeah.”

Mike’s mind went into double speed and he felt his heart starting to beat faster as well. _No_! It was his first reaction. No, she couldn’t come here. Not now when he was feeling like this. What if she did like Rachel? What she would leave too if he told her? He didn’t want her to know too. He couldn’t deal with this. He briefly thought about the voicemail.

“No.” He said.

“What do you mean no?” Harvey said.

“I don’t want to see her. I don’t want her to come.”

“Why the hell not Mike?”

Harvey didn’t understand Mike’s reaction at all. He was confused and maybe didn’t handle it all that well. Mike stiffened on the bed.

“I just don’t want to.” The younger man’s voice shook.

‘“Well, she is already on her way here Mike.”

“But…”

“Mike, come on. It’s fine. It’s just Donna.”

Mike clenched his teeth hard together and didn’t answer. Harvey wasn’t listening to him at all. At least he didn’t care what he was saying. But he shouldn’t be surprised. Harvey always picked Donna over him. That was just the way it was. It was Harvey and Donna and him and Rachel. Except Rachel still hadn’t come back. Shit! He did not want to think about that now.

Luckily the door opened and a nurse stepped inside and distracted his thoughts for a couple of minutes. She was there to check the areas on his back where he had been hit, so she had him sit up and lean forward. Harvey had to help him sit up.

He heard how Harvey drew a deep breath when the nurse removed the bandage from his back.

“It looks worse than it is.” The nurse said.

“Yeah, but still!” Harvey exclaimed.

“What?” Mike couldn’t help but ask.

“It looks awful. It’s all black and blue.” Harvey informed him. “Like actually black.”

“What?”

“It’s not that bad. It’s healing nicely. I’m going to put on some cream.” The nurse interrupted.

Mike groaned when she started poking at it. He couldn’t stop from jerking forward either when she touched an especially sore spot.

“Hey.” Harvey mumbled and held on to him. A couple of painful minutes followed and Mike spent them hunched forward with tightly closed eyes.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Mike jerked up to look. It was Donna.

“Oh hi.” She said, smiling. “Am I interrupting?” She asked.

“Yes!” Mike exclaimed immediately, drowning out the nurse who might said something not along the same lines as him. He sat up straighter pushing both the nurse and Harvey away. “Yes.” He got out again. Donna was still in the doorway seemingly a bit confused. He looked up at the nurse for support and got it.

“We’ll be finished in a few minutes.” She said turned towards Donna. 

Mike was panicking. He couldn’t explain it himself. He shouldn’t feel like this but he was and had trouble stopping it. He sat up and his whole body was tense, well not his legs. He was breathing fast and his eyes burnt again.

“I don’t want her to come in here. I don’t. I don’t.” He turned to Harvey now, ignoring the nurse.

“Mike, don’t be stupid. It’s just Donna.”

“I’m not stupid. I just can’t…” He swallowed and tried to catch his breath.

“Are you okay? Do you want to continue?” The nurse interrupted. Mike just pushed her away. He gripped the blanket hard in his fist just to hold on to something. He pressed his broken arm against his chest.

“Mike? What’s going on?” Harvey asked.

Mike just shook his head, but stopped when his jaw hurt.

“If I just put your bandages back…?” The nurse again.

Mike wanted to scream, but instead leaned forward again and let her do what she wanted. It took a long minute. She then started to walk towards the door.

“Shall I tell your friend to wait outside until you are ready for her?” she asked.

“Yes.” Mike said at the same time as Harvey said “No, it’s fine.”

She looked between them. “I’ll tell her to wait.” She decided.

Harvey turned to Mike as soon as the door closed. He felt a bit worried. Mike looked like he was panicking. He was pale, his breathing quick and he was staring towards the door. Harvey honestly had a hard time following with all the turns.

“What’s wrong Mike?” He carefully asked and placed himself in Mike’s line of vision.

“Don’t you understand that I don’t want her to come in here? I don’t want her to know. I don’t want her to leave me too.” Mike was shaking now and the words just fell out of his mouth. “I just can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” He starting rocking back and forth.

Harvey sat down close to Mike’s bed. He reached forward and took a hold of Mike’s arm. But Mike ripped it out of his grip, but at least he looked at Harvey now. There were tears in his eyes.

“Mike.”

“Of course you are taking her side! You don’t even care what I think.”

“I’m not taking sides here.”

“Yes you do! I don’t want her here but you do.”

“Mike, its Donna we are talking about here. She will support you. And she deserves to know what you are going through.”

Mike didn’t answer right away. He knew that Harvey wasn’t going to give in. Donna was coming no matter what he said apparently. There was just one thing.

“What if…what if she leaves too?” Mike whispered.

Mike looked into his eyes and Harvey felt himself go tense. He had never seem Mike like this before. He looked broken and scared.

“She won’t Mike.”

“You don’t know that.” Mike looked away now. He stared down at his legs, breathing deeply. “Please.” It was so quiet that Harvey almost didn’t hear it.

“I know this is tough Mike. I know it is. And I’m sorry about that. But it’s going to be better. It’s still new. As soon as you get adjusted…”

“I don’t want to adjust!”

“Fine, but you will have to. Don’t you?” Harvey said gently.

Mike’s lips trembled, he didn’t answer. He closed his eyes and kept them closed as he tried, what Harvey guessed, to calm himself down. Harvey startled when he suddenly laid down. He had his head turned up high and he looked up at the ceiling. He opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again.

“Do I have to tell her?” he asked.

“No, Mike.” Harvey said slowly. “You don’t have to tell her anything. But don’t you think it’s better if you do?”

Mike turned his head away from Harvey, hiding his face from him. Harvey waited in silence. Mike shook and Harvey knew that he was soundlessly crying.  A minute or two passed like that. Then Mike wiped his face with his hand.

“You’ll stay right?” He asked shakily. When Harvey didn’t answer right away Mike’s head whipped around to face him. Tears were still visible. “You will?” His voice small, like a child’s. His hand reached out and gripped Harvey’s arm.

“Of course Mike.”

“Okay.” He whispered but didn’t let go of Harvey’s arm. Harvey made the decision to just wait until Mike felt ready. He did a minute later and Harvey walked over to let Donna inside the room. She looked questioningly at Harvey but he didn’t say anything.

Mike’s eyes followed Donna as she stepped inside. He thought that she looked worried but she smiled when she saw him.

“Is everything okay Mike?” She asked and walked over to him. He didn’t know what to say so he slowly shook his head. He felt so tired and emotional. He didn’t want to deal with this. He was scared too. He was so afraid that she would do what Rachel had done. He wished he could go to sleep.

“What’s wrong?” Donna sat down on the chair Harvey had been on. His boss was standing by the edge of his bed. He meet Harvey’s eyes and the older man nodded encouragingly. Mike took a deep breath. He was just going to do it.

“That hit I took to my back…it damaged some nerves, my spinal cord… ehm…Donna, I can’t…I can’t walk anymore.”

He looked into her eyes waiting for her reaction. Her expression started to change when the realization of his words hit her. She gasped and put her hands over her mouth.

“Oh god Mike! Are you saying that you are paralyzed?”

Mike nodded. “From the waist down.”

“Oh no. I’m so sorry!”

Mike nodded a little again. Tears rose in his eyes again. What was going on with him? Somehow they didn’t stop when Donna softly wiped them away from his cheek with her hand. She shushed him and told him again that she was sorry. She was still here.

“I’m so sorry this happened.” Donna whispered. “Did you know all along?”

Mike tensed. Why did she have to ask that? Should he lie? It would be easier. But he nodded.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I’m…I’m sorry.”

“No, no I am sorry Mike. I’m so sorry. You were alone before because of me. I’m sorry about that.”

Mike just stared at her. She was apologizing to him? He didn’t understand why. He was so tired. He nodded a little and tried to smile.

Donna smiled back and stroked his cheek again. It felt nice.

“Where is Rachel?” Donna asked then as she looked around the room. Harvey shook his head but it was too late. Mike wanted to flee. He didn’t want to think about that.

“She left.” He said. He was going to lose it again. Harvey was just standing there looking sadly at him and Donna looked surprised. He didn’t want them to see him. Not like this. He felt so pathetic. He tried to turn on his side. It didn’t work! He had forgotten again. How could he do that? Without the help of his legs he wasn’t able to get on to his side, to hide himself from Donna’s and Harvey’s looks. That made everything so much worse. He felt like he couldn’t do it anymore. Everything sucked!

He fell back down on to his back with a moan. He opted for turning his head as much as he could and threw an arm over his face. He cried again, trying not to make sounds. He felt Donna’s hand on his shoulder. She stroked his arm, over and over. It didn’t really help. At least not at first. He just felt so awful. Embarrassed, pathetic and weak. Why couldn’t he control himself? He stayed still like that, trying to just stop, but apparently he couldn’t do that either. Eventually he cried himself to sleep, still with his head turned away from them.

_-SUITS-_


	4. Chapter 4

“Oh my god.” Donna whispered suddenly. Both she and Harvey had just been sitting there next to Mike’s bed for some time now. Mike had cried until he fell asleep. It was tragic and one minute Harvey was filled with rage just to the next minute feel like his heart broke in pieces as he watched Mike’s features. Donna had tried to offer him comfort, she spoke to him, stroke his arm, but Mike basically ignored her and kept his head turned away. Harvey had watched earlier how Mike had attempted to turn on his side but had failed. The expression of hopelessness at the younger man’s face hurt in Harvey.

When Mike fell asleep his arm had slid down and revealed his swollen eyes and red nose. The bruise in his face stood out as well as a reminder of what had happened to him.

“Yeah…” Harvey sighed now.

“I had no idea. I thought he was okay.” Donna whispered.

“That was what he wanted you to believe.”

“He didn’t want me to come in here, did he?”

Harvey shook his head. “He didn’t want you to know. He was afraid you would be mad and leave.”

“Oh Mike, I would never. Mad about what? Him not telling me sooner about it? That’s stupid. I can’t imagine what he has been through.” She looked over to the kid again and looked close to tears now. Harvey was quiet.

“And Rachel really left? I can’t believe she would do that.”

“She was probably just shocked. She has only been gone for like an hour now.” Harvey said.

“Oh. She must still be here then. I should go and find her.”

“No, you stay with Mike. I’ll go.”

“Harvey, she is upset and vulnerable right now…” Donna started.

“And what is Mike? He is the one that has the right to be upset. Her job right now is to support him.”

Donna just nodded.

“You should probably come back soon. He doesn’t look that comfortable, and if you are not here when he wakes up again…”

“Tell him I’ll be right back then Donna.” Harvey walked out the door.

He believed Donna was right. Rachel was still at the hospital.

He found her in the cafeteria where she sat with an untouched cup of coffee in front of her. She had her hands wrapped around the mug and stared down into the liquid like it held some answers. Harvey sat down in front of her without a word. She jerked when she saw who it was. Immediately her eyes filled with tears. Harvey didn’t care. He waited.

“I shouldn’t have left.” She said.

Harvey raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know why I did now. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have. Oh god, I can’t believe that I did that to him. He must hate me now.”

“Well…” Harvey said and Rachel put a hand over her mouth.

Harvey sighed. “He doesn’t hate you. But what you did made this so much worse for him. It was not what he needed right now.”

“I know, Harvey. I know. I feel awful.”

“You should.” Harvey said coldly. He couldn’t help it. He stood up and started walking away.

“Are you coming?” He asked without looking back or stopping. He heard her hurry to catch up to him. He was only doing this for Mike. If he had thought that it would make Mike feel better in any way he had thrown Rachel out of the building, but Donna had a point as well. Rachel had just reacted. Her reaction had been wrong, but still. She deserved to make it right again.

When they got back to Mike’s hospital room they found Mike still sleep. Donna stood up and gave Rachel a hug without a word. Harvey had a hard time looking at her. He couldn’t help the feelings he had towards her now. She hurt Mike, and at the moment when he looked at Mike on the bed, he just wanted to be angry at something, or someone in this case.

Rachel didn’t say anything either and they just waited in silence for Mike to wake up again. He did a few long hours later. Harvey happened to be watching him at the moment when he woke. At first he saw the confusion on the man’s face and then the realization. It pained Harvey to see how Mike’s hand crept down to his leg and how he dug his fingers into it. His face twisted when he obviously didn’t feel anything. Then he saw Rachel.

Mike felt his heart speed up at the sight of her. She was back! He said her name and she startled and almost immediately her eyes filled up with tears.

“I’m so sorry Mike. I’m so sorry about before.” She took his hand in hers but he found that he couldn’t respond to the gesture. She noticed because she let go.

“I’m sorry.” She said again.

He nodded. He didn’t come up with anything to say and wished he could go back to sleep again. Harvey was watching him as well on the other side of his bed. Donna was there too. They were all there with him now, but it didn’t really made him feel that much better. He was still paralyzed.

He bit his tongue hard. It didn’t help to quell the feelings that were rising up within him. He didn’t know how to handle all of this. He found himself turning his head away again. However they were on both sides of him, so it didn’t get the wanted effect for him.

“Mike?” It was Rachel. “Do you think we can talk?”

He looked at her and shrugged a little. “About what?”

Her eyes flickered around the room. “Maybe just you and me?” She said.

“Of course.” Donna said and stood up from her chair. “We’ll leave you alone.”

“No!” Mike exclaimed. Unexplainable panic suddenly rushed through him. “I want you to stay.” He gripped the edges of his blanket hard in his hand just to hold on to something. His eyes burned.

“We’ll stay Mike.” Harvey said. He hadn’t moved one inch and it comforted Mike immensely that he hadn’t. Donna sat down again. Rachel looked on the verge of tears.

“Why did you leave?” Mike asked her.

Rachel shook her head a little. “I don’t know Mike. I don’t know what went through my head. It was just so much to take in and I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Donna and I went out to celebrate yesterday while you were…”

“While I was what?” He pressed.

“While you were here, like this.”

“Like this.” He snorted. He didn’t know why he was acting like this, but it felt good. “A cripple. Useless.”

“No!” Rachel exclaimed.

“Mike!” Harvey protested.

“You’re not.” Rachel whispered, she had tears in her eyes now. He had driven her there. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. Please Mike.”

He looked at her. She hesitantly took his hand in hers. At first he didn’t react but then he squeezed her hand back. She smiled a little and wiped away a few tears.

“I am sorry Mike. I’m so sorry this happened.”

He nodded a little. “Yeah, thanks.”

“It’s terrible Mike.”

“Yes.”

She watched him for a moment. “You are not in pain are you?”  She asked.

“Not right now.”

“So your legs are…?”

“I can’t feel them at all Rachel.” He answered. He almost felt a little annoyed with her. He looked over towards Harvey and Donna. They just sat there in silence, watching him and Rachel. It was just weird.

“And you are sure that it is permanent?” Rachel asked, clearly not sensing his tone.

“I don’t know. That’s what they told me.”

”So there might be a chance…?”

“I don’t know Rachel, okay!”

“Okay. So, what will happen now?”

“I don’t know.” Mike said again.

“You have an appointment for later today, don’t you?” Harvey chipped in.

Mike nodded. They all got quiet after that and there was an uncomfortable tension in the room. Mike didn’t like it at all. He felt like they were all looking at him with something new in their eyes. Something that hadn’t been there before. Was it pity? Probably. And that was how everyone would look at him from now on. He would be the poor guy that got assaulted and crippled. And he hadn’t even defended himself. He wondered if they knew that. He had done nothing to protect himself and that thought were stuck in his mind. He resented himself for it. He didn’t really know what he could have done differently but his memory of his reaction to the incident still plagued him and filled him with a heavy feeling in his chest. It was a mixture of embarrassment, humiliation and a feeling of not being good enough.

He was now paying a high price for his shortcomings of being unable to protect himself. He had lost the ability to move around in society the way it is built. It wasn’t built for the group of people he now belonged to, he knew that. There would now be so many things he wouldn’t be able to do and so many places that now would be inaccessible to him. The most important being his own home. Dread and despair welled up inside him every time he thought about that. It made him want to go into a panic mode. His own home was now impossible for him to get to! What was he going to do? Where would he go?

He wondered if Rachel had thought about that already. He hadn’t just made sure his own life was destroyed, he had ruined hers as well.

He was examined by his doctor again two hours later. Rachel was with him then while Harvey and Donna left for the day. Mike had been pretty reluctant to them leaving but Harvey said that he would see him the next day, so he tried to pretend that it didn’t bother him when they left.

The doctor’s appointment was a pretty awful and humiliating experience. He just wanted it to end. The doctor had removed the blanket over his legs and he had to look at his now useless legs. There was no change though. He was still very much paralyzed and they wanted to start talking about his future. Mike wasn’t interested in that at all. He knew that it was stupid to refuse to listen to them when they spoke to him about it, but he just couldn’t help but not wanting to hear about his disabilities. No one said anything but he thought that he could feel their eyes on him when he wasn’t looking. When Rachel tried to talk to him about it later, he snapped at her. She had looked hurt but he hadn’t done anything about it.

In fact he didn’t speak much to Rachel at all. She tried to engage him in conversations but he just answered when he felt it necessary. Somehow he felt like there was this boundary between them now. He couldn’t get the fact out of his mind that she had walked out of him. He just needed some time with processing that.

“Mike is there something wrong?” She had asked him that evening and he just shook his head and said he was tired. He was, because he was still on some medication, but as he got better they were taking him off it.

Harvey came back the next day after lunch. Rachel had stayed the night with him. He was glad that she was there when he woke up from a nightmare. He had been in a state of total panic and had tried to get off the bed. Rachel had been there and made him realize that it had all been a dream. He fell asleep while she was stroking his arm silently next to him.

His doctor came by again and he got to do another MRI. Both Rachel and Harvey were with him later that they when they came to talk about the results.

“We are satisfied with your healing process Mike. Your values are up and the wound on your back looks much better by now. We want you to stay with us for a few more days during which you will meet a physical therapist and we will talk more about the new aspects of your life.”

“You mean the not walking anymore, part?” Mike said.

“Yes, that part.” His doctor confirmed and Mike bit his lip.

“Will he get a wheelchair or something?” Harvey asked.

_What else?_ Mike wanted to ask.

“Yes, of course. One will be provided for you from us until you can get your own. That will happen either tomorrow or the day after.”

Mike nodded and refused to look at anyone.

“The next step for you then Mike, is to go to a rehabilitation facility for a few weeks where you will learn how to live your life with a spinal cord injury.” The doctor said next. That caught Mike’s attention.

“A what?!” he exclaimed.

“A rehabilitation center. We do have an excellent facility here at Manhattan. They are national leaders in medical research and patient care and they do provide comprehensive services, from the point of injury through rehabilitation and reentry into full community life.”

Mike just stared at her. What was she saying? He shook his head. “I’m not going there.” He said.

“Mike.” Harvey said.

“What? No, I’m not. I’m not going to go to some center.” He looked over at Rachel for support. Her eyes flickered between his and the doctors.

“I don’t know Mike. I think it sounds like a good place for you to be. They will be able to help you.”

“No! I won’t do it!” Mike said. Louder this time.

“I know it’s a lot to take in Mike, but I assure you that it is the best place for you to be. You will get your own team of professionals specialized in your type of injury. They have different programs for you to take part in, you get individual therapy sessions, and they even have sexual counseling.” She smiled friendly at the last part.

Mike just stared at her with open mouth. He flinched at the last part. Sexual counseling. He hadn’t even thought about that aspect. He looked at Rachel, she had blushed a bit and Mike was pretty sure that she had thought about it already.

His heart was beating hard in his chest. They wanted to send him away. He would end up on some place full of strangers that would teach him how to reenter full community life, whatever that meant. He wouldn’t be able to see Rachel, Harvey or Donna for weeks. He noticed that he was starting to breathe faster. He shook his head again.

“I don’t want to.” He said quietly. An uncomfortable silence spread across the room, until his doctor spoke again.

“We’ll talk about it more in the next few days. I’ll get you some more information so you can read through it and think a bit more about it. I do believe it is the absolute best option for you.”

She left shortly after that. Rachel went to take his hand but he snatched it away. He noticed that she jerked a little when he did.

“Of course you will go Mike.” Harvey said and sat down. “I think it sounds great. I bet they will teach you a lot.”

“Sure, but I won’t do it. I’ve decided already.” He said and looked defiantly at Harvey.

Harvey frowned a bit. “I think that’s the wrong decision.” He said.

“Maybe I don’t care what you think.” Mike said.

“Don’t be stupid Mike. What else are you going to do then?”

“Shut up!” Mike said angrily. What was Harvey doing? Calling him stupid and wanting to send him away. Suddenly he had an urge to burst into tears. He fumbled for the button for the bed that lowered it.

“I’m tired.” He got out and closed his eyes hard. He noticed that he was so tense that it almost hurt.

“Fine, we’ll let you sleep.” Harvey said then. “Come on Rachel, let’s go and get some lunch.”

Rachel bent down and kissed his cheek and then they just walked out! He opened his eyes in time to see the door close behind them. He wanted to scream for them to come back. A surge of hate at them for leaving like that flew through him. Angry tears streamed down his face the next second. He couldn’t stop them.

He didn’t want to be sent away. He didn’t want to go to some center. He just didn’t. It meant that it was something wrong with him. Of course he knew it really was, but it would make it so real. He couldn’t stand the thought of it. He spent the next five minutes silently crying to himself. Then he spent another ten minutes trying not to start again. Then he actually did fall asleep.

He woke up when Rachel and Harvey came back. They had apparently agreed on not to bring the center up again because neither of them did.

Harvey left a while later but Rachel stayed. A nurse came by with a folder about the center in New York and Mike refused to accept it so Rachel did for him.

“You don’t have to be rude to your nurses Mike.” She said after the young woman left. Mike rolled his eyes at her.

“I really think you should consider this?” she said after looking through the folder for some time. “It seems really good Mike. And they are specialists. Here.” She tried to hand it to him. He didn’t take it.

“Rachel, I already told you that I’m not interested.”

“I know, but you can at least read about what it is. Look Mike, Harvey and I talked a bit during lunch and we both think that it would be a good thing if you went. Now with your broken arm and all you will need a lot of help and they can give it to you.”

“Oh, so you were talking about what you think I should do? That’s nice. You two are talking to each other, but not with me.” He didn’t know why that knowledge hurt so much. That they were talking about him when he wasn’t there.

“Mike, come on. You should give it a chance. Why don’t you want to do it?”

“I’m not going to go to some place to get locked up with strangers and then let other people drive me around in some wheelchair to programs about how to reenter the community!” he noticed that his voice were just a bit too loud. “When did I even leave it?” He lowered it a bit.

“It won’t be like that Mike. It will be a place where they will teach you tools that will be useful in your everyday life. It will help you.” Rachel insisted and again tried to hand the folder to him. This time he ripped it from her hand and to both of their surprise he crushed it against his leg and threw it on floor.

“Mike!” She exclaimed.

“I said no!” He answered.

She shook her head at him and went to pick it up from floor. “That was unnecessary.” She mumbled as she walked up the trash bin.

He didn’t answer. He didn’t know why he felt so angry. But he couldn’t understand why they wanted to send him away. Sure, he agreed that it would be good to be taught about how to deal with the disability, but he didn’t want to go somewhere and do it. He didn’t want to be abandon in some place. He probably just should tell them that, but he felt embarrassed. So he remained quiet.

Rachel sat down next to him again. “I think you are making a stupid mistake by refusing this Mike.”

He tensed at her words. “Yeah, well. That’s your opinion.” He forced out. He noticed how she looked at him. She shook her head a little. They both remained in a tense silence for a few minutes.

“I think I’m going to go and get something to eat.” Rachel said then. “Do you want me to bring you something?”

He shook his head without looking at her, but he watched her walk out of his room without another word. As she closed the door behind her without looking at him he sank down into the pillows. He groaned a bit when his back suddenly hurt. It did that sometimes. Usually he would let a nurse know and they upped his pain meds. This time however he didn’t bother. It actually felt kind of good. At least he could focus on something else. But what was that about? Maybe it was a bit twisted. What was wrong with him?

He wondered how long Rachel would be gone for. He kind of wanted her to come back. He didn’t like being here alone. It reminded him too much about before.

He thought about what she had said. She and Harvey had talked about it and they both agreed. Maybe he should just go if they wanted him there that much? But just the thought of it made something twitch inside him and his eyes burned. He bit his tongue hard and willed it away. He wanted to sleep. He wished he could turn on his side.

He was still awake a while later when Rachel returned. She noticed something was wrong with him.

“Are you doing alright?” She asked. “Mike?”

“My back.” He said.

She got a nurse for him and an hour later the pain was gone again. It was getting late and he noticed that Rachel looked at her watch.

“Mike” She said. “I was just thinking about heading home tonight.”

“Ehm…okay.” He said.

“Is that okay with you?”

“Is this because of earlier?” He couldn’t help but asking. Was she punishing him?

“What? No, of course not. I just thought that if you were alright with it I would just go home and sleep and come back tomorrow morning.”

He hesitated. He didn’t want her to leave. What if she wouldn’t come back again? He wanted to beg her to stay, but couldn’t get himself to do so. He hated himself for wanting to do it in the first place. And he couldn’t help but feeling angry at her for leaving him.

“Okay.” He said. “If you want to leave, then do it.”

She sighed. “Mike…”

“You clearly want to, so just go!”

“If you want me to stay I can do that.” She said. She was trying, he knew she was, but he couldn’t stop himself.

“No, it’s fine.” He said. His voice sounded weird even to himself. “Just go.”

“Okay then. I’ll be back first thing tomorrow.” She leaned down to give him a kiss but he turned his head away.

“Okay, bye Mike.” She said and left. He didn’t answer her. He felt like shit after she left. What had he done? He had really been unfair and rude to her. He didn’t even know why. She had sounded sad when she said goodbye, but she had still left. After some more thinking he sent her a text apologizing. She replied that it was fine and that they would see each other tomorrow.

That night no one was there when he woke up from nightmares.

_-SUITS-_

Mike had his first appointment with a physical therapist the next day. It was just an initial meeting. They talked about his injury, more about different types of spinal cord injuries. It was mostly the therapist who talked and Mike listened and asked questions. The more they talked the more annoyed he could feel himself getting. He didn’t want to listen to this, but he guessed that he had to. It just sucked.

The therapist was the one that brought him his wheelchair. The man talked about how this one was temporary and further along he could get his own chair that was more adjusted to his needs. The therapist took help of a nurse and together they moved Mike over to the chair. It was actually kind of terrifying to be moved like that. He fought the urge to either start crying or start screaming as he watched how his legs hung limp and dragged across the floor as they settled him in the chair.

“There are useful lifts that you can use as well. I’ll show them to you when we get down to the gym.” His therapist said. Mike did not want to look at any lifts. 

He kept his head down as he was pushed down the corridor. He wished he had accepted Rachel’s offer to go with him, but he had thought it would have been worse if she saw him like this. Now he started to think that he had been wrong.

He got a tour of different equipment that would be useful for him, the therapist showed him a brochure but also had a few of the things available. Mike refused to try any of them. He just sat there in the chair being pushed around in it.

They then stopped and the physical therapist sat down on a bench in front of him.

“So I understand that you are doing a bit better now and will be ready to move on from here soon.”

“Yeah, they want to kick me out.” The man nodded a little.

“I know this is all very overwhelming but we are only want what’s best for you. So how does the wheelchair feel? You think you can get used to it?”

“I didn’t know I had a choice.” Mike said.

“Maybe not. By this point I do a few exercises with my patient. We practice different techniques. I think it will be difficult now though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it is your broken arm that complicates things a bit. That is since you for example need both of your arms to be able to get in and out of your wheelchair.”

“So, what does that mean then?” Mike asked. “It’s not like I can do anything about it!”

“I know, of course you can’t. But there is not really any point for you to start practicing with the wheelchair yet.”

“So what? I’ll have to stay in bed all day then until this comes off?” He indicated at the cast.

“No, of course not. You will use the chair, it’s just that you will need help getting on and off it.”

“Terrific.” Mike muttered.

Soon after they were finished and Mike was taken back to his room where Rachel was waiting for him.

“Hi Mike, how did it go?” She asked and walked towards him. The nurse stopped his wheelchair close to the bed and locked it.

“Fine.” He said.

“Do you want to help lift him over to the bed?” the nurse asked Rachel over Mike’s head. He tensed.

“No, it’s fine. You don’t have to. She don’t have to.” He hurriedly said.

“You are not that heavy.” The nurse said, totally missing the point.

“It’s fine Mike.” Rachel said and stepped up on the other side of him.

“No, I said no.” He exclaimed and moved away from her the best he could. “No, thanks.” He tried to save it as he looked up at her and saw her expression.

“It’s just one lift. You see, unfortunately I’m not allowed to do it alone.” The nurse said.

“I’m fine in it for now. I can stay here.” Mike tried.

“It’s better if we get you back into bed. It’s your first time up and moving around and we don’t want you to overdo it.”

“Mike, it’s fine.” Rachel added.

But it wasn’t fine. Not for him. He didn’t want Rachel to help up into his bed. He didn’t want her to see him like that. He felt humiliated as it was. She had already seen him so weak already.

“Okay. Let’s go.” The nurse said when he was silent for too long. “If you grab him under the arm, like this, and on three we go, and you step to the left and put him down.”

“Okay.” Rachel said.

“But…” Mike said.

“One, two, three.” The nurse said and they lifted him up and out of the chair. He had to fight with himself not to resist them. He hated the way his legs just dragged against the floor until they got him sitting down. He wouldn’t look at them and removed himself from their touches.

“Okay, let’s lay you down. You ready? Maybe help him a bit from the other side?”

Again before he got the chance to protest much they maneuvered him to lay down. He felt himself blush. He hated this.

“Are you okay Mike?” Rachel quietly asked when they were alone again.

He couldn’t look at her, but nodded.

“Are you sure? You seem a bit…down.” She stroked his arm and he tensed. He didn’t even know why. He shrugged.

“Talk to me Mike, please?” She begged him.

He shrugged again.

“At least look at me?”

So he did. She smiled at him but he couldn’t get himself to smile back. He didn’t have a reason to smile.

“So, do you want to tell me about your session?” Rachel asked.

The conversation between them felt forced and Mike didn’t even know why.

“I’m really trying here Mike.” Rachel had said at one occasion. He had apologized then. He didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. It was just that she had really hurt his, a lot and he just couldn’t get over it yet. He didn’t really know what his problem was. She was being sweet and kind to him and he knew that she only wanted to help. Still he couldn’t stop thinking about how he had felt after telling her about his injury and then watching her walk out, even after he had begged her not to.

It had hurt him deeply. Even though he knew deep down that she had just reacted in a stressful situation he just felt that it was the wrong reaction. It had woken something in him that always had been there, but now was laying just beyond the surface. It was his fear about being abandoned. The fear of being left alone, left behind.

He had been left a lot in his life. First it was his parents of course, but then lately it had been Trevor and Jenny, his only two friends. And then it had been his grandmother and with her his whole family. And now when he was like this, who would want to stick around?

Rachel’s first reaction had been to flee. Flee from him. And now neither Harvey nor Donna had been by to see him in a day or two. They knew that he was badly hurt and struggling. They knew that, but still they weren’t here. What if this was just a taste of what his life would be like now? He didn’t know if he could deal with that.

Another thing that really bothered him was the feeling of helplessness. Things just happened around him and he couldn’t just walk away or do anything about it. He was stuck here where he was. He hated that, it felt like he wasn’t equal to the people around him anymore. They made choices for him without even asking him.

There were also the way people looked at him now. They all had these looks on their faces, Rachel, Harvey, Donna, the nurses and his doctors. They pitied him he was sure of it. At least it was what it felt like. That was how everyone would look at him from now on, wasn’t it? With pity at first and then they would be uncomfortable around him, don’t know what to say to him. He didn’t want that. And another painful realization he had made earlier when he was in the wheelchair was that he never would be on the same height as other people from now on, he would always need to look up at them and they would look down on him. That was another thing he didn’t want. And another thing he could do nothing about.

He knew he should make a greater effort to be normal around Rachel, but he just didn’t have the energy right now. Why did it all have to be on him? She should understand that this wasn’t easy and that he would struggle for a while now. She should understand and she should be supportive to him no matter what. At least that was what he wished. Right now he just couldn’t be himself. He didn’t want to be all nice to everyone. He felt angry. Angry at his injury, angry at his useless legs and angry at the person who did this to him. But mostly he was angry at himself.

He slept a lot during the rest of the day. He was in terrible pain when he woke up but only for a couple of minutes until a nurse gave him something. It had been his back and he wished he could turn around or something.

Mike wondered where Harvey was. He hadn’t seen him in a while now. Rachel didn’t know either.

“We can call him if you want?” She said, but he declined. What should he say? That he wanted Harvey to come and see him? It was the truth, but it would be embarrassing to tell him that, right?

Harvey and Donna did stop by the next day and Mike glanced at Rachel when they came. She just smiled a little at him then so he smiled back.

He got to be alone with Harvey after a while when Donna and Rachel went to get a coffee together. Harvey took a seat next to him.

“So how are you feeling? “ Harvey asked.

“I don’t know.” Mike answered. “A bit better I guess. My back don’t hurt as much and I’m getting sick of only eating soup or shakes all the time. “

“Yeah I bet. “ Harvey said. “Look, sorry I haven’t been by lately. “

Mike looked at him and felt a bit surprised. “It’s fine.”

Mike assurance didn’t really convince Harvey. He thought that Mike looked pretty down. He was pale and the bruise in his face stood out much more than before since it had gotten darker. He wondered if Mike had seen himself in a mirror.

“So, I heard you saw a therapist yesterday? “

“Yes.”

“So, how did it go?”

Mike shrugged and suddenly looked annoyed. “How do you think? They said that I can’t do anything with my arm like this.”

Harvey nodded. “But you something out of it, right?”

“Yeah… that my life is going to suck from now on.” Mike muttered.

“Come on, Mike.”

“What Harvey?!”

Harvey clenched his teeth a bit. He didn’t know exactly what he should say, since he didn’t want to turn this into an argument.

“Your arm will heal.” He said.

Mike rolled his eyes. “Yeah, lucky me. I rather lose the arm if I got my legs back.”

Harvey didn’t answer him and Mike stared down at the floor. He knew he was a bit dramatic but it was the truth. He would gladly sacrifice his arm, even the right if it meant that he would be able to walk again, He had two arms. But it was not like that was going to happen.

Harvey was just sitting there now and Mike felt a bit awkward. He should change the subject, but couldn’t come up with anything. Then Harvey spoke again.

“Have you thought more about going to that center?”

“No, I haven’t.” Mike answered feeling the anger rise inside him again, but concentrating on keeping his voice calm.

“What are your thoughts then?” Harvey pressed.

Mike bit his tongue. “Same as before. I’m not going.”

Harvey looked away and scratched his head sighing a little. “Why not Mike? I think that it would be a good idea if you did.”

“Well, I’m not going to, I don’t care what you think.”

Harvey couldn’t understand why Mike was just dismissing the opportunity to go somewhere where he would get useful information and help. “Why not Mike?”

“Why I don’t care or why I’m not going?”

Harvey just looked at him so he continued.

“I’m just not!” He said angrily. Why couldn’t Harvey just accept that? And he wasn’t going to tell him the real reason. It just sounded too pathetic.

“I hear you, but can you just give a reason as to why you don’t want to go?”

“I don’t want to that’s why.”

Harvey wasn’t giving up though. “I think it’s a great opportunity for you though Mike, it’s stupid not to take it.”

“Well, that’s your opinion.”

“Yes it is.”

“But like I said, I don’t care. I’m not going and you can’t force me.”

Harvey sighed in frustration. “Where are you going to go then Mike?”

Mike looked up at Harvey then and he felt himself freeze. What was Harvey saying? The anger from before was suddenly replaced with something else. He waited to see if Harvey would continue, say something else. But he didn’t! He felt his eyes start to burn. Damn it!

“Get out.” He said quietly. “Just go Harvey.”

“Mike, come on. Don’t be like that. Look, I just don’t understand what you are thinking…”

“I said go!”

Harvey raised his hands in surrender. “Fine I’m going.” And he did, closing the door behind him.

Mike watched him go feeling both relieved and regretful. He hid his face in his hand and pressed hard against his eyes. That didn’t help though and the tears fought their way down his face despite his efforts. He hadn’t wanted Harvey to see, but at the same time he didn’t want to be alone.

Harvey was right though in asking the question on where he would go. He had nowhere to go. He couldn’t go home. That was unless someone carried him upstairs. But even if he got there it wasn’t much he would be able to do there. Their home was not built for someone in a wheelchair. He wouldn’t even reach up to their kitchen table.

But the worst part of it all was that Harvey had asked him that question. Mike couldn’t understand why he was doing that? Had he forgotten what he had promised Mike before, that night when he first told Harvey about the paralysis? Mike certainly hadn’t.

Harvey had told him then that Mike was welcome to his place. He had comforted Mike when he broke down and he had said that he wasn’t alone in this. He had said that he was serious in taking Mike in. Apparently that had been a lie.

Mike cursed himself. He had believed him. He had counted on being able to go to Harvey’s place for a while until he had figured out how to deal with it all. But now that was gone. He wanted to be angry at Harvey. To scream at him. But instead he just sat there and cried quietly in his hand. Harvey had told him it would be fine, that they would figure it out. But now? He wasn’t welcome? He felt betrayed.

It looked like his only option now was to go to that damn place. A rehabilitation center. But he just didn’t want to! He didn’t want to go somewhere where he wouldn’t know anyone. He would be totally helpless as well, he wouldn’t be able to do anything by himself and he would be left to the staff at the center. He wouldn’t be his own person any longer. He would be like a sack or meat, or like a baby. He would need help to the bathroom for gods’ sakes.

But it looked like he didn’t have a choice. The hospital wouldn’t let him stay here, he couldn’t go home and Harvey didn’t want to help him. He was alone in this now. That thought was crushing.

He cried some more at the thought of having to go to the center. He didn’t want to! He wasn’t ready! He wanted time to deal with this. To accept it, that it had happened. To work through the fact that his life was changed forever. He wanted to do that in his own pace, not in some facility being forced to talk to professionals about it. He didn’t know how he would be able to coop at that place.

Everybody seemed to think it was such a great idea. No one listened to him, no one cared about what he wanted. Not even Rachel was on his side. Sure he knew that she just wanted what was best for him, but in this case she was wrong. This wouldn’t be best for him. Right now it felt like it would destroy him even more. He was so scared.

_-SUITS-_

Okay, that hadn’t gone all too well, Harvey thought as he closed the door to Mike’s room. Clearly Mike had gotten very upset when he asked where he was going to go then if not home or to the center.

He had thought that Mike had been doing much better lately. That was the impression he had gotten from Rachel when he spoke to her on the phone last night. That Mike was doing better. That he was more like himself.

Harvey wasn’t sure about that now though after that short meeting with Mike. Clearly he had said something wrong. But he did have a hard time understanding why Mike didn’t want to go there. It would only be for a few weeks and he would learn how to get around and stuff.

He had been surprised when Mike asked him to leave. That wasn’t like Mike at all, he had thought that Mike had wanted to see him, Rachel had said that much. Harvey walked down the corridor towards the cafeteria where he would find Rachel and Donna.

Suddenly he remembered! Damn it! He stopped so suddenly a nurse walking behind him stepped on his heel.

“Oh, I’m sorry sir.” She hurried past him.

He had told Mike that he could stay with him, since he had two elevators. And what had he done now? Asked Mike where he was going if not to the center or home. That was the reason Mike had kicked him out. Of course! How could he forget?

He turned around and walked straight back. He paused outside Mike’s door hesitating for a second. He then knocked. He listened and heard nothing so he stepped inside. His heart sank as he saw Mike. This was bad. Mike was sunken down in the bed and had his hand over his face, his body shook.

“Mike, I’m so…” That was all he got out before Mike screamed at him.

“No! Get out! I told you to get out!”

“I know you did but I came to apologize…”

“Get out! Leave!”

Mike was sitting up and gestured widely for the door. His eyes were red rimmed, his cheeks flushed. “I don’t want to talk to you!” He said and met Harvey’s eyes.

Harvey nodded then. “I’m sorry Mike.” He said and walked back out. Shit! He had screwed up big time. He knew he could have just stayed in there, but it wouldn’t be fair to Mike. The kid didn’t want to see him right now and he would have to respect that. He could hear Mike sobbing from here he was, leaning against the door. Harvey closed his eyes and listened for a while, forcing himself to listen to it. He felt so guilty.

Then he hurried to the cafeteria. He would have to tell Rachel or Donna to go in to Mike and assure him that Harvey knew what he had said, implied. And that Mike was welcome to his place whenever he wanted.

He found them by a window table. Donna looked like she could murder him after he had told them what had happened. Rachel said that she would go and explain to Mike.

“It was clumsy and unnecessary, Harvey.” Donna said as he sat down on Rachel’s empty chair.

“I know. I didn’t think.”

However Rachel came back just a few minutes later, she looked upset.

“He refused to talk to me.” She said. “He just told me to leave and that he wanted to be alone.” She looked down. “He yelled at me. He was so upset.” She said.

Donna stroked her arm. “We’ll give him some time to calm down.” She said.

_-SUITS-_


	5. Chapter 5

Mike knew that Rachel had tried to explain, but he wasn’t interested in listening. He couldn’t deal with her comforting him like he was some child. He just couldn’t do that right now, so had just yelled for her to get out of his room. He knew she had seen him crying and he hated that. He had seen her shocked expression as he yelled at her. He hated himself for that. Why was everything so wrong? And why was it so hard?

He felt all tired now. He had exhausted himself. Yelled at both Rachel and Harvey. That didn’t make him feel better. They probably didn’t want to see him now. And Harvey wouldn’t want him in his house. Why would he? He had probably just said that to make Mike stop crying that night.

He was breathing deeper now. He was starting to calm down and come to his senses a bit. What was he doing really? How was he behaving? He didn’t recognize himself. He didn’t know how to deal with all of this. He regretted yelling at them. He wished they would come back. He didn’t want to be here by himself anymore. But why would they come when he had screamed at them to get out and leave him alone. He didn’t bother wiping his tears away now. He just laid there.

He really needed to get a grip and just deal with all of this. So what if he went to some stupid center. It wouldn’t be forever. He tried to ignore the knot in his stomach as he thought about it, he tried to force the tightness over his chest to disappear. Yes, he would do it. He would go. It was the right thing to do.

He wished Harvey and Rachel would come back so that he could tell them. He looked towards the door and waited. He didn’t know for how long he laid there with his head turned. He forced himself to take deep breaths. He started counting seconds in his head just to district himself.

His whole body jerked as the door carefully opened. His eyes betrayed him as they almost immediately started to tear up as he saw that it wasn’t a nurse or some doctor, but Donna. He felt so relieved that he didn’t bother to hide his face.

“Oh Mike.” She whispered as she saw him. “Oh sweetie.”

She came over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder and the other along his face.

“Donna.” He whispered.

“Hey…shhh…Mike.” She mumbled. He looked into her eyes. She smiled sadly at him.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

“For what honey?”

“For coming.” He looked behind her towards the door. “Is…is…R-Rachel and Harvey…”

“Oh Mike, they went home for the day. They were pretty sure that you didn’t want to see them anymore today.”

He didn’t answer but pressed his lips together. They had left, they had actually left.

“Mike, they said that they will come again tomorrow. Don’t worry.”

Mike did worry, but he nodded. He blinked up at her. He was so tired. Donna reached for a tissue and carefully wiped his face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

Mike shook his head. “I just want to sleep.” He whispered feeling pathetic.

“Then do that.”

He nodded. “But…”

“It’s okay Mike.”

He fell asleep a few minutes later, still with Donnas hand on his shoulder.

He felt like crap when he woke up the next morning. He felt even worse when he realized that he was in a lot of pain and that it was only five in the morning. He was by himself. He pressed the call button and a nurse appeared a while later.

The pain lessened but he couldn’t fall back to sleep. He felt bad about his behavior from yesterday. He had driven both Harvey and Rachel away even though he wanted the total opposite. And the only reason he push them away was because they wanted him gone. His heart felt heavy at the thought of going there, but he had decided. It was what they wanted. If it would make them forgive him he would go.

Two nurses came with his breakfast and wanted him to have it in the wheelchair. It was good for him to be sitting up apparently. He let them do it. After an hour or so he regretted it though because he felt tired and sore and wanted to lay down. However that didn’t happened.

The clock turned nine and then ten with still no sight of Harvey or Rachel. Donna had left a note for him saying she would stop by later that evening.

He got another visit from his therapist. He did some exercises with Mike’s legs until Mike couldn’t take it anymore. He hated watching his legs making the movements without feeling any of it. It was kind of creepy. The therapist asked him about it but he refused to talk. He just wasn’t interested in talking to this man. There was one thing he wanted to know though.

“So, how long do I have to stay here?”

“I understand that your building doesn’t have an elevator?” The therapist said.

“No.” Mike reluctantly said.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I really am. The best thing for patients in your situation is to spend their recovery in a familiar environment.”

“Why are you telling me this, when that’s not going to happen?” Mike angrily said. “And by the way, you all want to send me to some center!”

He nodded. “That’s standard for people in your situation.”

“Even if they don’t want it?”

“No Mike. You don’t have to do something you don’t want to. It’s your choice.”

“No, it isn’t! It’s my only choice! I have nowhere else to go. No elevator, remember!”

“I understand.”

“Yeah, so apparently I’m going there. I was wondering when?” he said.

“I’m not sure about that Mike that is up to your doctor to decide. But physically you are ready.”

Mike bit his teeth together. Physically. Sure.

He was taken back to his room after that. The nurse asked if he wanted to get back into bed but he declined telling her to just leave.

He clumsily rolled over towards the window. It worked pretty well with just one hand, but it was a bit difficult to steer. He ended up in a weird angle, tried to correct it but then didn’t care when he couldn’t. He just stayed where he ended up. He could still see out. He just sat there then, trying not to think. He didn’t want to think about the center. He didn’t want to think about why Rachel or Harvey wasn’t there yet. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he couldn’t walk.

_-SUITS-_

Rachel had been pretty upset yesterday. She had even cried while she and Harvey had waited for Ray to come and pick them up. She had said that she didn’t recognized Mike and that she wasn’t sure if she could see him tomorrow. She said that she really tried to help him and to be supportive but it was like Mike didn’t want her to. Harvey had done his best to reassure her. He told her to just give Mike time. She had just nodded and didn’t say much more.

He didn’t know if she was planning to visit Mike or not today, he hadn’t seen her in the office.

All Harvey had been able to think about since last night had been Mike. He had wanted to go back and apologize yesterday but Donna had said that she would look after Mike. She had told him that Mike had been upset and relieved when she came to him. She also said that he had asked about both him and Rachel. He wasn’t mad at Mike for yelling, the kid had just reacted. Harvey knew that he had been hurting. He planned on making peace with the kid now.

Harvey opened the door to Mike’s hospital room and stepped inside. Mike was sitting pretty close to the window, but in a weird angle that made him unable to look out. He was slumped down and seemed to be staring at the floor. But when Harvey walked over to him he could see Mike tense, but he didn’t acknowledge him. He ended up kneeling next to Mike’s chair to be able to see his face.

“Hi Mike.” he said.

“Hi.” Mike quietly answered.

“How are you doing?” Harvey said and tried to meet Mike’s eyes. Mike just shrugged. He was feeling a mix of relief and anxiety to see Harvey. He didn’t know what to say.

“You don’t look so good.” Harvey said.

Another shrug.

“Have you been sitting like this the whole day, or what?” Harvey asked and stood up walking over to the window. Mike didn’t answer. He didn’t move.

“Mike?”

“I can’t do shit. I can’t turn this damn thing.” He muttered quietly.

“What?”

“I can’t turn it with just one hand! I’m stuck here!” Mike exclaimed angrily and wiped his face almost violently.

“Oh.” Harvey said. He walked over to the kid. “Well, where do you want to go?” he asked and took hold of one of the handles.

“I don’t know!” Mike yelled. “I don’t know.”

He pressed his hand over his face, and drew a hitching breathe. Harvey sighed in sympathy and resumed his kneeled down position next to Mike. He put a hand on Mike’s leg but quickly realized what he was doing and took hold of Mike’s elbow instead.

“Hey, Mike. Hey…” He whispered. Then he waited until Mike had calmed down enough to remove his hand from his face and look at Harvey.

“I’m sorry.” He said then. “I’m sorry about yesterday Harvey.”

Harvey shook his head. “No Mike, I’m the one who is sorry. I didn’t think yesterday. I didn’t mean to ask you were you are going. That was stupid.”

Mike just watched him and waited. He didn’t know what to think.

“I told you before that I would help you Mike. And you are welcome to come to my place if you want to.”

Mike nodded slowly. “But you want me to go to that center, right?”

“I think that would be a good idea Mike.”

Mike nodded again. He drew a deep breath and looked down. “Okay.” He whispered.

“Okay?” Harvey asked. “As in you have decided to go?”

Mike just nodded. “Yeah…”

“That’s good Mike. I’m glad to hear it. I really think you are making the right choice here.”

Mike didn’t answer. Harvey studied him closely. He didn’t know what it was but something wasn’t right. Mike was staring at the floor with a sad look on his face.

“So…“ Harvey started. “Have you told your doctor yet?“

Mike shook his head, not tearing his eyes away from the floor.

“Anyway, they will probably move you soon then. They said that you are ready for it right?”

“Yeah. In a few days.” Mike said.

“That’s good. I’m proud of you.” Harvey said and Mike had to look up at him. Harvey was proud of him. He knew he should feel good about that, but it only made him feel worse.

“Thanks.” He forced out, because this wasn’t what he wanted. He clenched his fist digging his nails into his palm.

Harvey nodded. “It’s the next step to get your life back on track again.”

Immediately Mike felt anger rush up inside him.

“Right! Like going there is going to do shit for me.”

“Of course it will.” Harvey didn’t seem faced.

“I’ll be just as useless there as I am here. Nothing is going to change that. My life will never be the same.”

“Don’t say that. Of course it will be different, but you are not useless Mike. That’s bullshit. Why are you saying that?”

Harvey didn’t like where the conversation was heading. Mike looked so upset, his whole upper body was tense. He definitely didn’t like that Mike thought that he was useless.

“Because I can’t do shit. I told you! I can’t even move this damn thing so that I can look out the window! Let alone get back into bed. And there, at the center, I won’t be able to do shit there either.”

“You want to get back into bed?” Harvey decided to deal with one problem at the time.

Mike stopped himself from continue to yell and nodded. His back was aching and he longed for to be able to lay down.

“I’ll help you.”

Harvey gently turned Mike around and pushed him closer to the bed. He removed the blanket and turned back to the kid. Mike just sat there slumped down now with his head bowed. He was breathing unevenly. Harvey felt a little unsure on how to do this now. Should he just lift the kid over to the bed? He hesitated a little but then just grabbed Mike’s legs and behind his back and lifted him. He was not so heavy like he would have expected. Mike was stiff in his arms when Harvey placed him on the bed and put the blanket over him. Mike refused to look at him, just pressed his broken arm against his chest and stared in front of him. His face were a bit red.

Harvey sat down.

“You are not useless.” He stated. “It’s unfortunate that your arm is broken, but as soon as it heals you will be able to do more things. You know that.”

Mike nodded a little. He felt so humiliated. Harvey had lifted him off the chair. He had seen the way Mike’s legs just hung there. He didn’t want this! He kind of wanted Harvey to leave at the same time as he wished he would stay the rest of the day. He felt like his mood was all over the place, he went from feeling angry to feeling incredibly sad in just seconds.

“It’ll only be a few weeks Mike. You have to let this take it’s time. It’s a lot to get used to.”

“Harvey, honestly I’m not really up for a pep talk.”

Harvey chuckled a bit. ”Really? Because that wasn’t all I have. I was going to talk about how you are still you, a great lawyer, and I was going to mention how strong you are for dealing with all of this.”

Mike just glared a little at him.

“No?” Harvey smirked. “I mean it though.” He added.

Mike sighed. “Thanks.”

“Are you good then? Are you in pain or something? You look tired.”

“I’m okay.”

“Yeah, well. I’ll get a nurse in here for you.” Harvey stood up and Mike’s chest felt tight.

“No, I said I’m fine.”

Harvey sat down again at Mike’s angry tone. He held up his hands. “Okay. You are fine.”

They sat in silence for a while. Mike glanced a little at Harvey. He didn’t know what to say now. He wished everything was normal. That he wasn’t here. But that wasn’t happening.

Harvey didn’t know what to say either. He felt like he had to be a bit careful around Mike now. The kid’s mood was unpredictable. But at least he had come around about going to that rehabilitation center. That was something at least. They didn’t talk so much more. Mike’s doctor arrived and was positive towards Mike’s decision to go to the center. It was decided that Mike would go there the day after tomorrow. Mike was quiet and just nodded at that.

The truth was that Mike felt like throwing up. In two days he would be there. He would be gone to some center for disabled people like himself. He would be alone in it all and that was what felt the worst. He bit his tongue hard to not break down. After they finally left he just wanted to go to sleep. Harvey was still there though so he couldn’t.

Rachel came by that evening and Harvey left then. She was happy about his decision as well and didn’t seem to notice his reluctance.

“That’s so great Mike!” She exclaimed and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. He just nodded and didn’t look at her.

“How are you feeling about it then?” She asked then watching him.

Mike shrugged a bit. “I don’t know.” He said.

“Well, I’m sure that it’s going to be great Mike. They will help you to move forward from now on.”

Mike nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”

“It’s going to be great.” She smiled and patted his leg a little. Mike couldn’t help but tense as she did it. He didn’t want her to touch his legs, he couldn’t take that. He pushed her hand away. She removed it and looked at him with uncertainty. Mike looked away and the silence was uncomfortable between them. Rachel was the first one to collect herself.

“Look Mike, I know how hard this must be. I can’t imagine what you are going through.”

He clenched his teeth and looked away.

“Can’t you at least look at me?” Rachel asked. “I’m just trying to help you Mike.”

“Well, it’s not working.” He muttered.

Rachel sighed. “Just tell me how I can help you then.”

“I don’t know Rachel. I guess you can’t unless you can turn back time and stop me from going there that day.”

“I wish I could.” She looked so sad and Mike immediately felt bad.

“I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m sorry Rachel.”

“It’s okay Mike. I know this is hard. But you will get through it. I’m just so glad that you are going to the center. It’s really going to help you and help us.”

“But how is going there going to help me really? Help us?” Mike couldn’t help himself from asking.

“But Mike, they will help you there you know that.”

“Sure, but what about after. I’ll come back to what? You realize that I can’t get home right? I don’t think they will teach me how to crawl up the stairs.”

“We’ll figure something out. It’ll be fine.”

“Right…” Mike whispered.

Rachel reached out and took his hand in hers. He let her hold it and allowed himself to feel comforted by it. They sat there quiet for a while. Mike swallowed hard.

“Rachel…” He started. “What if I don’t want to go there?”

Rachel let go of his hand and put some of her hair behind her ear.

“What are you talking about Mike? I thought it was already decided.”

“Yeah, I know but I just… I don’t think I’m ready yet, you know.”

“I know it must feel like that Mike, but I think you are. It will feel better when you get there.”

“But I will have to stay there for weeks.”

“Yeah, but I think it will be good for you. I think it’s great that you are going there Mike.”

He wanted to yell at her. She didn’t listen at all. Apparently she wasn’t going to either. Did she just want to get rid of him? He didn’t want to talk anymore with her about it.

“Fine!” He exclaimed. “It will be wonderful there.”

Rachel just sighed again and didn’t say anything else even though it looked like she wanted to.

No one cared about what he wanted in all of this. They all happy now when they got to send him away to get rid of him and his problems. He was an inconvenience now. But now he would be sent away to some place and when he got back he would be mostly fixed up. Oh god, how he hated all of this! He felt so useless.

Things was weird between him and Rachel now. Her smiles felt forced and she didn’t stay that long. Actually he felt kind of relieved when she announced that she was leaving for the night. He felt almost like she had betrayed him in some ways.

The next day passed slowly. All he could think about was the next morning when he would leave the hospital and be driven somewhere and locked up in some place. That was how he thought about it. He couldn’t believe that this was his life now.

He just felt worse the more the day progressed. He had visits from his doctor and nurses. They took him to some tests. Rachel stopped by during lunch but didn’t stay long. Donna came as well as Harvey. And what surprised him the most was that he received a visit from Jessica and Louis as well. That was a bit awkward and he felt really uncomfortable. He had to force himself to act normal while they were there. The two of them didn’t stay long luckily. And even though he knew that he should enjoy and appreciate all of their visits he just wanted them to leave so that he didn’t have to pretend anymore. He almost felt like he was close to breaking down. That was especially true after Harvey told him that Joe Henderson still hadn’t been found by the police.

“Any day now I hope.” Harvey had said. “Otherwise I will start looking myself.”

Mike wasn’t even sure of what he thought about that he man that had ruined him still was out there somewhere. Mike couldn’t help but wonder if the man knew what he had done to him and if he would be happy about it or not. He never considered Joe a dangerous man, and it was most likely that his assault probably was just an impulsive act. It didn’t change that fact though that he wanted Joe punished. And punished hard.

He barely slept at all during that night. They had told him that he would be picked up around eleven the next morning and driven to the rehabilitation center. His stomach hurt when he heard those words and he felt physically ill. He actually had thrown his dinner up, but his nurses thought it was just a bad soup that he had eaten, or something like that. The bad taste in his mouth stayed the entire night.

The next morning when he was woken up by a nurse for a checkup he had slept about three hours that night. He refused breakfast and waved the nurse away. He felt miserable, incredibly sad and alone. Today was the day he had dreaded for a while now. He tried to tell himself that he was stupid and that this was a good thing but it felt the opposite. He was pretty sure that he would break down. He just laid in bed trying to keep his emotions at bay. He didn’t know why he was so scared. This was supposed to help him. It was going to be good for him. But he didn’t want to go more because of that.

A nurse came by and asked if he wanted to sit in the wheelchair for a while. They thought it was good since it relieved the pressure of his back for a bit. Mike wasn’t really in pain so he just shook his head. However the nurse insisted.

“It will be good for you. I’ll just get my colleague and we will help you over to it.”

“No! I don’t want to sit in it!” He didn’t care if he sounded rude. He just wanted her gone.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Just leave me alone.”

She did leave then and Mike couldn’t hold it in any longer. They had to be two people whenever they had to get him over to it. It was so humiliating.

He tried to stop the damn tears from falling, he was humiliating himself now, but he just couldn’t do it anymore.

_-SUITS-_

Harvey had taken the morning off. He had decided to do so the day before after seeing Mike at the hospital. The kid looked miserable. Mike was quiet and subdued and didn’t look them in the eyes. Something was up with the kid and Harvey intended to found out what it was. Something was bothering Mike and Harvey had promised himself to be there for the younger man. So that was why he was on his way to the hospital right now. He was going to make Mike talk to him and whatever it was Harvey would fix it. At least if he could.

He walked in to Mike room without knocking and called out his name.

"Mike?"

Harvey watched how Mike jerked on the bed but he didn’t look over to him, it was the opposite and he tried to hide his face even more.

”Mike?”

This time Mike hastily wiped his eyes before he looked at Harvey. Harvey’s heart sank a bit in his chest at the sight of Mike’s red eyes.

“Ha-Harvey.” He said hoarsely. “What are you doing here? Is…is Rachel with you?”

“Ehm… no, she isn’t. And I just came to say goodbye before you leave.”

“Oh…” Mike whispered and yet again looked away. Harvey saw how his eyes teared up again.

“Do you want me to get her over here? I’m sure she will make it before you are leaving.”

But Mike just shook his head. He didn’t know if things would be better or worse if Rachel had come with Harvey or not. Yesterday she had said that she would come over to the center, but Harvey coming was a surprise for him. He hadn’t expected it at all, instead he had thought that he would spend the next two hours until he was being moved alone. But here Harvey was and Mike didn’t have control over himself!

He had chosen to open up the walls around his sadness and anxiety that he had done his best to keep in. He had done so only because he knew that he had some time alone, but here Harvey was and he was embarrassing himself. He knew that Harvey could see that he was crying and he almost wanted to cry more because of that.

“What’s wrong Mike?” Harvey kindly asked.

“Nothing.” The kid mumbled.

“Yeah, that’s bullshit Mike. Come on, tell me what’s bothering you.”

“No, why should I? It’s not like you care.”

Harvey closed his eyes for a moment. Of course that was to come up. It did that a lot with Mike, but Harvey only had himself to blame.

“Actually I do. So will you just tell me?”

Mike glanced over to him for a second. He hesitated. He wanted to tell Harvey. He wanted Harvey to help him, to save him. But Harvey probably wouldn’t, because Harvey wanted him gone just as Rachel did. He felt his eyes tear up again and he bit his lower lip to stop it from trembling. He was so pathetic.

“Mike, whatever it is, it’s okay.”

Mike took a deep breath and shook his head.

“I don’t want to go.” He said quietly not looking up at Harvey. Harvey who just sat there watching him.

“I don’t want to go there Harvey.” Mike repeated and this time he looked up, aware of the tears trailing down his face. Harvey was going to laugh at him now.

But Harvey didn’t laugh, in fact he didn’t find it funny at all. Instead he stretched out a hand and placed it on Mike’s shoulder and squeezed a little.

“Mike, it’s okay. You think you can tell me why you don’t want to go?”

“I just don’t want to!” Mike shrugged his hand away from him. “I don’t want to go, it should be my decision!”

“Of course it is. If you don’t want to go somewhere you don’t have to. I’m just trying to understand here kid.”

Mike stopped himself from yelling again. He didn’t know how to explain it to Harvey. He didn’t want to talk about why. Why couldn’t Harvey just accept it and stop it from happening. Suddenly he just felt an intense longing for Harvey to just help him.

“Please Harvey…” He said, not caring anymore about how pathetic he sounded. He just wanted help.

"I'm scared of being there alone.” Mike whispered so quietly that Harvey almost couldn’t hear him.

“Oh.” Harvey said. He felt so bad for the kid. He didn’t think that Mike was aware of how much he was trembling and how much he resembled a little boy. Mike was scared. He didn’t want to be alone. Harvey could understand him. He wouldn’t want to go to some center either if something like that were to happen to him. He needed to fix this now. He needed to take that scared, sad look away from Mike’s face. He needed to make it better.

“You don’t have to go Mike.” He said. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Mike looked hesitantly at him. “I don’t?” he whispered.

“No, of course not.”

“But where am I going to go? I don’t want to stay here either.” Mike looked down at his lap.

“You are welcome at my place Mike. I’d be happy to have you.” Harvey said gently.

“Thanks Harvey.” Mike whispered and looked at him. “But that might be a bad idea.”

“How is that?”

“You know I can’t do shit. I can’t do anything. You would have to…” he paused and swallowed. “You would have to help me with a lot of things.”

“I know that. I’m prepared to do that Mike. Don’t worry about it.”

“What do you mean don’t worry about it!? You do realize that you will have to help me with practically everything! I can’t even dress myself! You don’t want to do this Harvey. They are right, I better go to that damn center.”

“I realize that Mike. And if you would listen to what I’m telling you.” Harvey waited until Mike reluctantly looked at him.

“Yeah. Okay.” He said.

“I will help you, Mike. I know what it entails and I am telling you that I’m prepared to do it. I wasn’t here when you really needed me, but I intend to be here for you now.”

Mike studied him for a moment. He honestly had a hard time believing what he was hearing. Harvey really wanted to do this for him? Harvey looked sincere though. He meant what he was saying. Should he accept? It would probably be humiliating and awful at times but it beat staying at the center. And maybe he would be able to figure out ways to be more independent with time?

He nodded. “Thank you Harvey. It really means a lot that you are offering.”

Harvey sighed at that. “Mike…”

“I wasn’t finished. I was going to say that I would like to accept your offer. Okay.”

“Good. That’s good.” Harvey smiled.

“You are not only doing it out of guilt right?” Mike had to ask first.

“What are you talking about? No, I’m not.” Harvey looked slightly annoyed now.

“But you do feel guilty, don’t you?” Mike pressed.

“Yes I do.” Harvey answered to Mike’s surprise. “I do feel guilty about what happened to you, for not finding you sooner and I feel guilty about that you had to deal with it by yourself afterwards. But that’s not why I’m offering for you to stay with me.”

“Then why?”

“Because you are my responsibility.” Harvey said. “And because I need to make sure that you are okay.”

“And because you care?” Mike smirked.

Harvey rolled his eyes at him and shook his head. “Sure. That too.” He got out behind clenched teeth. And Mike couldn’t help but laugh a little. He felt better than he had in a long time now.

“Thanks.” He said again. He rubbed at his eyes. The tears had left him and he suddenly felt so much lighter inside. He wouldn’t have to go!

“You are welcome.” Harvey said. “Well. I’m going to talk to your doctor then and see if we can arrange something and let them know that you are coming with me and not to the center.” He smirked a bit.

“I’m guessing you are dying to get out of here if you don’t have to go to that place?”

“Yes!” Mike exclaimed.

Harvey nodded and smiled at him. He stood up but Mike stopped him.

“But what about the center then?” Mike asked. “I know that you wanted me to go there.”

“I think it would have been a good idea Mike, I’m not denying that. But you have said that you don’t want to at this point and I accept that.”

Mike nodded. “Thank you.”

“We’ll just take one day at the time and see how it goes, okay.”

“Okay.” Mike smiled and Harvey couldn’t help but smile back. It was the first genuine smile he had seen on Mike’s face since his attack.

It would have been good for Mike to go there he was sure of it, but right now Mike’s feelings and wishes weighed heavier. There was no way he would force Mike to go there if he didn’t want to. And maybe in a week or two he could bring it up with Mike again. Maybe the kid would be ready emotionally then. He couldn’t help but curse himself for not seeing this before that Mike didn’t want to go. He needed to ask the kid why he had agree to go in the first place if it was something that he didn’t want.

Mike’s doctor did not approve of the change of plans but she said that it was Mike’s call. She also warned Harvey.

“He is going to need a lot of support and help. Are you sure that you will be able to provide that for him?”

“I think that going with me will be the better alternative right now.” was all Harvey answered.

“Is it okay?” Mike asked when he came back to the kid’s room. “Can I go with you?”

“Sure you can. She is getting the papers for your discharge ready. She wasn’t happy about it though.”

Mike looked away and didn’t answer.

“Why did you say that you would go in the first place?” Harvey asked.

“Because it was the only option I had!” Mike sounded angry. “And because it was what you and Rachel wanted. It wasn’t like anyone cared what I wanted!”

“I’m sorry you felt that way.” Harvey calmly said stopping Mike in his tracks.

“Yeah, okay.” He said. “When are we leaving then?”

“As soon as the papers are ready I guess.”

His doctor arrived about an hour later. She wasn’t that happy and went on about why she thought Mike should change his mind.

“I’m going to be honest with you, you are not in for an easy time Mike.” She said.

“No kidding! You think that it’s been easy so far or what?” Mike was annoyed by now.

“Mike!” Harvey couldn’t stop himself from interrupting him.

“You both are.” The doctor turned to him as well now. “Mike is going to be very dependent on you, Mr. Specter. You will have to help him with most of the basic tasks in his life, everything from getting him onto the wheelchair to helping him in the bathroom. Are you prepared to do that?” She bore her eyes into Harvey’s.

“Yes, I’m aware of what’s to come.” He said firmly.

“And do you have any training at all in the area?”

“I’m sure I’ll figure it out.”

The doctor shook her head at him.

“I just want both of you to know what you are doing here. It’s for your benefit Mike.”

Mike nodded. “I appreciate that.” He said.

“Well then. I do hope you change your mind, but I have your papers here. You can call at any time if there are any questions and we will arrange for an appointment for you here soon.”

About an hour later they were walking down the corridor, Harvey pushing Mike in front of him. He stopped in front of the exit and met Mike’s eyes.

“So, are you ready for this then?” He asked.

“I guess so.” Mike said.

“Here we go then.” Harvey got them out of the door and over to a cab. They were suddenly faced with the first problem. How should he get Mike into the car? Lift him, or should they maybe get one of those cab with room for a wheelchair? Mike wouldn’t like either option.

“So, how do you want to do this?” He put the choice in Mike’s hands.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you want me to lift you inside of the car or do you want to take one with more room?”

He saw how Mike closed his eyes for a moment and Harvey felt sympathy for him.

“You can lift me if you want.” He reluctantly said.

It was awkward and embarrassing and Mike couldn’t help but feel like everyone was staring at him when Harvey carried him over to the car seat like he was a child.

“It’s a good thing that I am so fit.” Harvey said as he closed the door behind himself. Mike rolled his eyes and looked out the window. It still felt good to be out of the hospital after so long. And now in the car like this, he actually felt normal. It stopped when they got to Harvey’s apartment building and Harvey had some trouble with lifting him out of the cab. The driver had to come out and help to hold the wheelchair steady.

“Welcome home, I guess.” Harvey said as he rolled Mike inside his condo. It was kind of true. His place would now be Mike’s home for some time. They didn’t even know for how long.

“Thanks.” Mike mumbled blushing a bit. This was so weird. After all Harvey hadn’t planned this at all. Did he even have a bed for him? He didn’t want to ask.

“So, are you hungry or something? I could do with something to eat.” Harvey said and parked Mike next to the kitchen island. Mike just shrugged.

“I can order us something. I’ll even let you decide.” Harvey smiled.

“No, it’s okay.” Mike said.

“You should eat something. It’s lunchtime. I’ll make us a couple of sandwiches.”

“Eh, no thank you Harvey.”

“You have to eat Mike.”

“Yeah, but I’m not really allowed solid food yet.” Mike mentioned for his jaw. “I broke it.” He added at Harvey’s expression.

“Oh yeah, shit. I forgot about that. Okay.” Harvey opened a cupboard. “I’ll see if I have something else then.” He mumbled. Mike looked down. He heard Harvey swear as he opened a drawer.

“Eh…I don’t seem to have anything Mike.” Harvey said and came up to him. “I’ll order us some soup.”

Mike silently nodded and Harvey got out his phone.

“Alright, that is taken care of.” Harvey said when he was done. Mike was just sitting there where he had placed the kid. He was looking down at the floor. Harvey walked over to him and ruffled his hair a bit.

“It will be fine Mike.” He said smiling at Mike’s surprised face.

“Okay.” Mike smiled hesitantly back. “I hope so.”

Harvey nodded.

“You will have to sleep on the couch today. I don’t have a bed for you yet. We’ll have to get you one.”

“The couch is fine Harvey. You don’t it to buy me a bed.“

“No, it’s not fine. You injured your back, remember. I’m getting you the real thing.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yes I do.”

“I’ll pay for it then at least.”

“I don’t think so.” Harvey said. “So would you like something to drink then?”

_-SUITS-_


	6. Chapter 6

After lunch Mike asked if Harvey could help him to lay down a bit. He was just so tired and wanted a nap. It was awkward to ask his boss if he could carry him to the couch. But Harvey did without a word.

“Can I get you anything?” He asked when Mike was laying down. “You want a blanket?”

“Sure.”

Harvey got him one. “Get some sleep then. I’ll stay at home today. I’ll have Donna bring me some work.”

Mike nodded and closed his eyes. He fell asleep just moments later.

Harvey found himself standing there watching Mike sleep for a minute. He nodded to himself thinking about what he had done. He had brought Mike into his house and promised to help him. He didn’t mind of course, but it wasn’t all planned out. He really did need to get Mike a bed and a bunch of other things as well he guessed. Maybe some stuff for the bathroom. He would have Donna look into that. And he needed to buy a lot of soup.

Donna sounded surprised when he called her and told her what was up.

“You realize I couldn’t let him go there after he asked me not to have to right?” He said as she questioned him about it. “You didn’t see him. He really didn’t want to go.”

She agreed to come over right away. He also asked her to tell Rachel.

Mike didn’t wake up from Donna knocking on the door half an hour later. She came up to the couch and together they watched Mike sleep.

“Is this creepy?” Harvey whispered eventually.

They moved over to the kitchen as to not disturb the kid.

“Rachel wasn’t that happy about this. She said she will come over later tonight.”

“I can’t wait.” Harvey mumbled.

“Do you know what you are doing then, Harvey?” Donna asked carefully.

“I’m going to help him.” Was all he said and Donna nodded.

“That’s good Harvey. He deserves that.”

Donna stayed until Mike woke up again, and she helped him to sit up. He looked dead tired still and Harvey wondered if he was in pain. He claimed he wasn’t when Donna asked him about it.

They talked for a while and Mike told them a little about why he didn’t want to go there. He was afraid he would feel alone and isolated and that all of this was still so new to him. He wanted some time to deal with it himself before he was being taught how to adapt to it. Harvey thought it made sense.

Mike thanked him again for not having to go and Harvey felt a bit bad about it.

“So you were going to go just because we wanted you to?” Donna asked.

“Yeah.” Mike mumbled not looking at them.

“Oh sweetie.” Donna patted his arm and Mike sighed a little as he looked down at his legs. He had placed the blanket over them though, so no part of them was visible. Harvey wondered if it was on purpose.

Rachel arrived later that night and Mike couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous about it. He exchanged a worried look with Harvey that grimaced.

“I’ll be over here.” Harvey mentioned for his office after Rachel had walked in. The closed door only partly drowned out their voices.

Mike looked at his girlfriend and he could see that she was angry. He didn’t know if he was ready for this.

“What are you doing here Mike?” She asked. “What about the rehabilitation center?”

“I don’t want to go there Rachel.” He said. But she wouldn’t have it.

“Why not? I thought we agreed that would be the best place for you to be.”

“I told you that I don’t want to, but you didn’t listen. Harvey did!”

Rachel clenched her teeth. “But this is just stupid Mike. You would get help there! What on earth will you get here?”

“I don’t want that kind of help! I’m not ready for it Rachel. I couldn’t.”

“I don’t understand you.”

She was still standing up and Mike was half laying on the couch. He wished he could stand up or that she would sit down at least so he didn’t feel at such disadvantaged.

“It’s my life, Rachel. I didn’t want to go.”

“Our lives Mike.” She looked at him a long time.

“This was my decision.” He said.

She shook her head a little and turned towards the windows so he was only able to see her back. He wasn’t going to back down on this.

“Fine.” She than said. “If this is what you want.” She turned back at him.

He nodded. “It is.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow Mike. I’m going to talk to Harvey and then I’ll go home.”

He couldn’t stop her. He did not even try.

She walked over to Harvey’s office and opened the door without knocking.

"Harvey, I would like to have a word with you. Outside.” She pointed at the balcony. Harvey got up from his desk and followed her out there. He threw a glance at Mike who just shrugged. Rachel closed the door behind them and then turned towards Harvey.

“How can you do this Harvey?! He was going to go to the center!”

“I know that Rachel, but it wasn’t what Mike wanted so I brought him here.”

“I know that wasn’t what he wanted, but he was going to get help there! What help will he ever get here with you?”

“Okay…” Harvey started to say.

“No, I’m serious. How will this ever help him? Being locked up in your apartment all day?”

“I don’t know yet Rachel, but he wasn’t ready to go there and it wouldn’t have helped him if we had forced him.”

“He would have gotten used to it.”

“I wasn’t going to force him.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Sometimes I don’t get the two of you.” She said. “I’ll be by to see him later.” Then she was gone and Harvey followed her back inside. Mike looked up at him when he came over and sat down on the couch.

“Did she yell at you?” He asked after they heard the door close behind Rachel.

“Yep.”

Mike nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, well. It was expected.”

“I guess so. This is my fault now, isn’t it?”

“Definitely.”

“Oh well…” Harvey shrugged.

“Thank you though. For doing this. I really appreciate it Harvey.”

“No problem Mike. You don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes I do. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Harvey didn’t know what to answer to that. So didn’t.

They had a relaxed evening. Mike spent it on the couch and Harvey next to him on a chair. They talked, had dinner and watched a movie together. It was actually really nice. Harvey found that he liked having Mike over. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

But then it got late and time for them to head to bed. Harvey had decided to stay at home the next day as well, so it was pretty late when he thought it was time to call it a day.

“So, let get to bed.” He told Mike.

“I am in bed. Aren’t I?”

“Well, but you are not sleeping like that. I’ll get you something else to wear. And I guess you need to go to the bathroom as well.”

Mike squirmed a bit but nodded. Harvey got him back into the wheelchair and drove him to the bathroom. Now to the part both of them dreaded.

“You need to…” Harvey mentioned for the toilet. Mike paled. He pressed his lips together and nodded.

“Yeah, okay.” Harvey didn’t move. Neither did Mike.

“Well, it’s going to be awkward, but we’ll just work through it.” Harvey said. “So how do we do this?”

“I don’t know.” Mike said and seriously wondered if he could hold it.

It was awkward and Mike felt like either bursting into tears or scream in frustration. He did not want this! But he didn’t have a choice and now neither did Harvey. When Harvey finally got him onto the toilet Mike had enough.

“Can you leave?” He asked. “Can you please leave?”

“Ehm, yes. But are you sure…?” Harvey hesitated.

“Please!”

Harvey closed the door behind him without another word. Poor kid. He found himself standing there outside the bathroom for a long time until Mike finally called for him. Neither of them mentioned Mike’s red eyes.

Mike didn’t say another word after that. And Harvey took him back to the couch in silence.

“Oh, sorry.” He said when he realized that there wasn’t any sheets on the couch. He hurried to get it done as Mike just sat there. When Harvey was done he came over to Mike to lift him over, but Mike stopped him.

“No.” He said. “No.”

“Mike…”

Mike just sat there breathing heavily and Harvey felt so sorry for him. This was so unfair. And this was Mike’s new reality.

Harvey gave him a few minutes and then tried again. Mike still refused.

“You can’t sleep in the chair kid.” Harvey gently said.

“Yes I can.” Mike said.

“No.”

Harvey stepped forward and made a move to lift him.

“NO!” Mike yelled for all he was worth, causing Harvey to startled back away from him.

“Alright!” He said. “Sit in it then. You don’t have to yell.”

Mike didn’t say anything and refused to look at him. Harvey decided to leave him there for a bit and went to the bathroom.

Mike watched him leave. Tears came again and he jammed his hand hard down on his leg in frustration. Damn it! He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want this. It took him probably five minutes to get himself together. Five minutes and later he felt ready to get lifted back on the couch. But Harvey wasn’t back yet. And he wasn’t going to call for him. Five minutes later he felt like he was about to lose it again because Harvey still wasn’t back and Mike was starting to think that maybe he wouldn’t come again. Would Harvey do that to him? Leave him overnight in the wheelchair? Had Mike made him that angry?

He looked longingly at the couch. He was tired and he wanted to lay down. He didn’t want to spend the night like this. He felt how his breathing quickened against his will. His eyes burned. The next time he blinked they flooded over and a tear ran down his face.

Then he heard Harvey and he hurried to wipe it away.

“You ready?” Harvey just asked and Mike nodded. He was tense as Harvey’s grip on him wasn’t as gently as before.

“Need anything else?” Harvey asked when he was laying down. Mike shook his head.

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

Harvey just nodded a little and then he left. Mike wished that he had asked for some paper.

_-SUITS-_

The next day Mike woke up early. He wished he could fall back asleep but couldn’t. He also wished he was somewhere else. Maybe at the hospital. He didn’t know what to do now. The worst thing was that he needed to go to the bathroom again. He did not want to ask Harvey for that. He could wait.

However Harvey acted normal when he showed up and Mike could relax a bit.

“Are you feeling better today?” Harvey asked and Mike nodded.

Harvey got him breakfast on the couch and told him about the plans for today. The main thing was to transform Harvey’s office into a bedroom for Mike.

“We can’t have you sleep on the couch. Your job for today will be find a bed that will suit you. You up for that?”

“Yes. If you are sure? I don’t mind the couch Harvey.”

“”I’m sure Mike.”

So Mike didn’t argue more. In fact the couch wasn’t that comfortable.

So after breakfast Mike got out his phone and Harvey went to the office. Mike could hear him move stuff around in there.

Three hours later Harvey came out and sat down across from him.

“I’m exhausted.” He said. “I’m done though. What do you got?”

Mike showed him three different options he had found. Harvey looked over them and then placed and order for the most expensive one.

“Express delivery?” He muttered. “Check.” He closed his laptop. “It’ll be here the day after tomorrow. You want lunch?”

After lunch Mike couldn’t wait anymore and awkwardly asked Harvey for help.

“Shit! Of course. You should have said something sooner.”

It was a little easier to bare this time. But just a little.

Donna and Rachel came over for a few hours that night. They had brought dinner with them and they had a pretty nice evening. Rachel kissed him on the cheek when they left.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” She said quietly. “I was just upset at you.” She smiled a little. “I know it’s your decision, but I just think we should have talked about it. You could have told me.”

“I did tell you that I didn’t want to go.” Mike couldn’t help but saying. Rachel just sighed a little and said that she would see him tomorrow.

It turned out that Harvey was heading to work the next morning and had asked Rachel to come and stay with him. Before Harvey left he got Mike dressed and into the wheelchair. Mike had realized that he hated getting dressed. He did his best in looking away while Harvey helped him.

He did look forward to spending the day with Rachel. It would be nice to have some time alone that wasn’t in a hospital room. However things didn’t start out great between them. Somehow there were some kind of tension between them that Mike hadn’t really experienced before with her. Sure they had had their ups and downs in their relationship but lately things had been good. Up until his attack. Now everything was different.

They talked a little about work. Rachel told him about the case she was working on. He wanted to ask her why she had taken on a case now when he was injured. Now when he needed her. But he didn’t ask her that. He asked her about her case instead.

Mike’s back was starting to hurt and he wished that he could lay down, but he was in the wheelchair and he didn’t know if Rachel could help him get onto the couch or not. What if he fell out of it and she would be able to get him back up?

“Do you think you can help me get to the couch?” He still asked her.

“Of course.”

It turned out to be much harder than both of them thought. And Mike felt how the frustration grew in him.

“No, stop Rachel. Just stop. You can’t.” He told her. “I’ll just stay in it.”

“But Mike, I think I can manage.” She insisted.

“No you can’t.” He moved the wheelchair further away from the couch.

“Okay, fine then Mike. I’ll make us some lunch.” She left him where he was and walked over to the kitchen. Mike turned the TV on. Half an hour later she came over with a plate of spring rolls and rice.

“I brought them from home.” She smiled.

“That’s nice Rachel. But I can’t eat that. Sorry.”

“What do you mean you can’t eat it? I thought you were hungry.”

“I am, but everyone seems to have forgotten that I got hit over the jaw with a crowbar.”

“Oh.” She said.

“My jaw is broken. So I can’t eat that.”

“Right. I’m sorry Mike. I’ll make you something else.”

“Let me guess. Soup.” Mike muttered.

Rachel left without a word.  Mike tried to act more normal, not angry. He didn’t know why he was so frustrated. Or he knew, but he shouldn’t be like that now with Rachel here.

He was able to keep it up for most of the day. Actually for a while when they went out on Harvey’s amazing balcony together he actually forgot about his situation for a while. But then when Rachel accidentally bumped his legs into the door when she was pushing his wheelchair inside again it all came back and the frustration returned.

“What are you doing?” It was out of his mouth before he was able to stop himself.

“I’m sorry. I’m not just use to it yet.” She said.

“Neither am I!” He had to take a deep breath. Why was he so angry? “Sorry.” He muttered.

“It’s fine.” She said indifferently. “Where do you want to go?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

She placed him next to the couch and sat down in it.

“Do you want to talk a bit Mike?” She carefully asked.

“About what?”

“About how you are feeling? About your situation? About what happened? Anything at all.”

She leaned forward and grabbed his hand in hers. He let her hold it but didn’t look up at her. Did he want to talk? What was there to say? There were a lot of things really, but for now he didn’t want any answer to what he was thinking about. So he shook his head.

“Mike, it’s good to talk about what happened.” She said gently. He looked up at her then and forced himself to smile. He knew that she was trying to help him.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said quietly. “I just wish it never happened. I wish I never left that morning.”

“Me too.” Rachel whispered and squeezed his hand.

“I feel so helpless now. Trapped, you know.”

She nodded. “It’ll get better. You’ll get more independent with time. You’ll figure it out Mike.”

“But I would figure it out faster if I went to the center, right?” He removed his hand.

“That wasn’t what I was saying.” Rachel sighed a bit. “But I still don’t understand what you are doing here instead of there, a place where you could actually get help.”

“Harvey will help me.”

“He can’t help you like they will be able to there, Mike and you know that.”

Mike clenched his teeth until it hurt. “Yes he will.” He said.

“And how is he going to do that if he isn’t even here?” Rachel stood up now. “You know, he texted me and asked me if I could stay late, because he had to have dinner with a client.”

“What?” Mike asked. “He can’t do that!” He exclaimed. “What did you answer?”

“I said that it was fine Mike.”

“No, it isn’t. That’s not fine. Why didn’t he text me?” He fumbled after his phone, but he didn’t have any messages. “When is he coming then?” He asked Rachel.

“I don’t know. He just asked if I was able to stay with you a bit longer.”

“But no! I need his help!” Mike exclaimed.

“I can help you Mike.” Rachel smiled at him.

“No, you can’t!” He said. He couldn’t believe that Harvey was doing this to him. He had said that he would help him. Earlier when Mike had been so upset at the hospital, Harvey had said that he would help.

Yesterday he had despised Harvey’s help, but now he realized that he needed it. There were things that he couldn’t do by himself anymore and he needed help. He just had to face that reality. Like going to the bathroom, or getting on the couch. He kind of wanted both of those things but they were now almost impossible tasks for him. Like getting on the toilet. There was no way he could do it by himself. He didn’t want Rachel to help him with that. He just didn’t. He couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing him like that. With Harvey it was something else now. Harvey had already seen him at his lowest, with Harvey the damage was already done. Maybe that was the reason Harvey was away right now. He didn’t want to deal with Mike. That thought got him even more upset. He was angry at Harvey for staying away.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Harvey had texted you?” He asked.

“I…” She paused. “I didn’t see a reason to.” She said then.

“Why not?!”

“I thought you wouldn’t care. I thought that it would be enough if I was here.”

“Well, it isn’t.” He said it without thinking. He saw how she tensed, her face becoming hard.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” She said. “I’m just trying to help you.”

“I know.”

“But I’m not good enough?”

“It’s not that! You can’t…”

“Can’t what?!” She was angry as well now.

“You can’t do what Harvey can.”

“You won’t even let me try, Mike.”

“No, because I don’t want you to!”

He knew he was hurting her, he knew that, could see it in her eyes, but he just couldn’t stop himself. And right now it was the truth.

“Maybe I should just go then, should I? Since you clearly don’t want me here?”

“Yeah, so that’s your solution again then? Leave?”

Rachel rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Mike, that’s not fair.”

“Don’t talk about fair!”

“Okay, let’s just calm down the both of us.”

“Fine.” Mike agreed. He didn’t want to argue.

They were both quiet for a while, before Mike spoke again.

“So, he really didn’t say when he is coming?”

“No, he didn’t.”

_Damn it, damn it, damn it_. Mike though to himself. What was Harvey doing? But he just had to deal with this. He didn’t have a choice. He would just wait until Harvey got home. He could do that.

After that they spent a couple of hours with watching a movie, having dinner and washing up after it. Or Rachel did the washing up and Mike kept her company. They managed to get on better terms and for a while there it felt like before. Almost normal, except that he was in the chair the whole time.

“It’s getting a bit late.” Rachel yawned.

“Yeah.” Mike agreed.

“I wonder where Harvey is then.” Rachel said. “Look, do you just want to go to bed Mike? You look exhausted.”

Mike tensed. She was right. He was exhausted and for the last three hours his back had been killing him. No matter what position he tried to sit in it didn’t get better. Laying down would help, he knew it would but without Harvey there that wasn’t happening.

“Just let me help you Mike.” Rachel said.

He wanted to say no. He didn’t want her to help him like this, but he knew it would hurt her if he refused.

“Okay.” He said and was rewarded with a smile from her.

They made their way to the bathroom together and Rachel gave him his toothbrush.

“Ehm.. do you need to use the toilet?” Rachel asked with when he was done brushing his teeth and she put the toothbrush away for him. Mike couldn’t help but squirm a bit.

“You do, don’t you?” She said, and he just nodded. “I can help you. It’ll be okay.” She said.

“How?” He didn’t look at her now. He felt like crap. He knew it wasn’t going to work.

It turned out that it didn’t. It turned out awful and he ended up on the bathroom floor. He knew that Rachel hadn’t done it on purpose of course. Of course he knew that but it still happened. She had almost gotten his pants off and was going to remove the rest of them and move him at the same time. He was too heavy for her, and he wasn’t able to help her with his broken arm. If he had two arms it wouldn’t have been a problem. Now it was, he had lost his grip and she hadn’t been prepare to take all of his weight and he slid down on the floor. Rachel did her best in preventing it, but didn’t manage. She stopped his fall enough though so he didn’t hurt himself.

He swore loudly, couldn’t stop it. He screamed at her, not able to stop that either. She backed away from him, and he remained there on the floor like a sack of potatoes.

“Now what!?” he yelled.

“I’m so sorry Mike.”

“I told you it wouldn’t work! I knew it wouldn’t!”

“I’m sorry, but it was just harder than I thought to get your…”

“Shut up!”

He couldn’t stand hearing her say it. He shook where he sat. He felt his face flush with the humiliation. His pants were along his knees, but he still had his underwear on.

Rachel had tensed and just stood there staring at him now. He couldn’t read her expression. She was either shocked or very angry, he wasn’t sure. He had never yelled at her to shut up before and he almost regretted it now. But he didn’t want her to stand there and look at him like that.

“Help me then!” he pulled at his pants to get them up again. She jerked but came towards him, her jaw clenched.

“What do you want me to do?” She asked stiffly.

“I want to get up in the chair.”

“But what about…?”

“No!”

She was strong, but not strong enough and the space wasn’t wide enough. Rachel wasn’t able to get him back into the chair. They both realized it after the third time they tried. Mike’s whole body was shaking and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He had done all he could to help, but that wasn’t enough either.

Mike screamed in frustration and hit his leg hard. He hated this. He hated how it made him feel. He hated the fact that Rachel saw him like this.

She tried to calm him down, she was on her knees next to him with a hand on his shoulder, telling him that it was okay, that she was sorry. He pulled himself together after a minute or two.

“Damn it!” Mike swore. “I hate this. What do we do now? Should I just sit here? You shouldn’t have…Damn it!”

“I’ll just call Harvey and see where he is. Just wait here for a minute, alright.”

“Like I can do anything else!” Mike called after her. He sighed and leaned back against the wall. Not that he had much room to do so. He swore again. He was tired and in pain. After some effort he managed to lay down on the floor. He didn’t care that it was the bathroom floor and that he was pathetic. So what? His back felt slightly better when he was laying down.

“He will be here about thirty minutes.” Rachel said carefully from the doorway.

“Okay. Great.” He didn’t look at her. He didn’t know how to deal with this. He felt so humiliated here like this on the bathroom floor. He didn’t feel like himself anymore. This wasn’t him. This couldn’t be his life now. It just couldn’t. But it was. This was his life now and there was nothing he could do about it. That was almost the worst part. In other situations in his life he always had his brain to rely on. But not now, this couldn’t be fixed by a smart plan. This couldn’t be fixed at all and the thought of that made him want to scream. He didn’t scream. Instead he just lay there on the floor and waited for Harvey to come and help him up.

He couldn’t understand Harvey either. He just bailed. Left him with Rachel who he must knew wouldn’t be able to lift him anywhere.

Rachel did a few attempts to talk to him. She asked if he needed help sitting up. Like he was some damn child. It was his legs that was paralyzed not his upper body. He ignored her until he felt bad about that to and told her the truth, that his back hurt and that it was better to lay down. He allowed her to lay a towel under his head.

When Harvey finally showed up Mike let him know what he thought about his absence.

“Where were you?” He exclaimed. He knew where Harvey had been but wanted to hear it from him.

Harvey had stopped in the doorway and just looked at him. Mike felt how his face started to heat up.

“Do something! Don’t just stand there!” he yelled, not caring as he started to sit up.

“Yeah, sure.” Harvey said. “Where to? Up in the chair?”

“No.” Mike waived for the toilet.

“Okay. Rachel if you grab him from your side?”

“No!” Mike exclaimed. “You do it. Rachel can wait outside.” He didn’t look at Rachel.

Before Harvey had time to say anything else she had left and closed the door behind her. Mike only felt relieved.

“What?”

Harvey was looking at him again. But he just shook his head and proceeded to help Mike. Again it made Mike feel like crap. He wanted to both scream and hit, and then hide somewhere and cry.

He hated the way Harvey looked at him as well. Harvey surprised him though by apologizing.

“I’m sorry I stayed out so late. I shouldn’t have. I just thought you would be fine with Rachel.”

“You thought wrong! Did you really think that she would be able to carry me anywhere or what?”

Harvey just shook his head. He felt incredibly guilty about all of this. The phone call from Rachel had him worried. Her voice had sounded strange. Strained and sad. He understood why the moment he saw Mike laying on his bathroom floor. He was filled with sympathy mixed with guilt as he saw him.

Mike wouldn’t talk to him or even look at him as Harvey helped him up from the floor and then to the toilet. He could see redness creep up along Mike’s neck and wished that they wouldn’t be in this situation.

“Call when you are ready. “ Harvey quietly said and left the room. He then waited leaning against the opposite wall.

Mike continued the same way until Harvey got him down on the couch. Rachel kept in the background but came when Mike was laying down. He was tense and didn’t look at her either.

Harvey stepped away to give them some privacy and couldn’t hear what they were saying. Rachel left shortly after that. Harvey went to sit down on a chair next to the kid. Mike ignored him and just stared at the ceiling.

“Today is not going to happen again.” Harvey said and waited for Mike to react. He didn’t. He kept staring up.

“Mike, talk to me.”

Mike did look at him then. “What do you want me to say?”

Harvey sighed a bit. “Whatever you want. “

“Oh, thanks. How generous of you.”

Harvey just waited.

“It’s just humiliating! All of this. I hate it.” He glared at Harvey. “And where were you? You said you would help me. See how long that lasted. About a day. Then you were gone. But hey, I don’t blame you. Why would you want to stay here and get me…” he trailed off, not wanting to say anything else.

“Are you done?” Harvey asked but didn’t wait for Mike to say anything else.

“I’m sorry for today. I don’t know Mike, I guess I didn’t think that far. I thought you would like to alone with Rachel for a while.”

“Yeah, sure. But she couldn’t…” Mike paused and looked away. “She couldn’t get me anywhere.”

“I understand that now. That’s why I said that this is not going to happen again.”

“Fine.” Mike said and turned away. He wished that he could walk away. He wished that Harvey would go. He didn’t want to have this conversation any longer. He didn’t want Harvey to sit there and apologize to him. That wasn’t what Harvey did. Sure Mike would have been angry if he hadn’t, but now he was done. Harvey apparently got it because he sighed and stood up.

“Okay. Do you need anything?”

Mike shook his head.

“Good night then Mike.”

“Good night.”

He didn’t look at Harvey but heard how he walked away. It was hard for them both to fall asleep that night.

_-SUITS-_


	7. Chapter 7

Harvey was undeceive on what to do the next morning. He didn’t think it would be a good idea to get someone over to stay with Mike during the day. But he needed to head to the office for at least a few hours today, however had placed a call to Donna so he had the morning free.

When he checked his e-mail at the kitchen island he saw that the bed he had ordered would be delivered the same day. At least something positive. Hopefully it would get Mike in a better mood.

Harvey made his way to check on the kid. To his surprise he found himself secretly wishing that Mike was still asleep. He almost felt ashamed of himself for that. Mike was awake though, he was just laying there on the couch staring up at the ceiling. How long had he been awake? And why hadn’t he said anything?

“Good morning.”

Mike looked at him then and shrugged a little.

“You up for some breakfast?”

Mike looked away again. “Not up.” He mumbled. Harvey choose to pretend that he didn’t hear it.

“I’ll fix us something.” He said instead and went to do just that.

Mike looked after him as he felt his stomach ache a bit. He was pretty hungry actually. Not that he had any real appetite, who would if you only could eat soup or smoothies? He hoped Harvey remembered that. Maybe he should say something, but he didn’t bother.

He had been awake for some time now. He didn’t know for how long. He had tried to go back to sleep but soon gave up. He had been woken up by a nightmare. Once again he had been back in that damn alley. It had been awful to relive it again, but when he was laying there feeling the sweat starting to dry and his heartbeat starting to calm, it actually didn’t feel that much better to be awake. Being awake and helpless like this was another kind of nightmare. He just laid there and waited while he tried to not think of anything. He tried to not notice the way his back hurt and how his head ached.

At the hospital they had told him that he had injured his scull somehow, but they hadn’t been overly worried about that. He just needed to take it easy. Like he could do anything else anyway.

“It’s finished!” Harvey called from the kitchen. Mike didn’t move or answer. It wasn’t like he could do anything anyway.

“You ready to get up?” Harvey suddenly stood by the foot of the couch.

“I guess.” Mike mumbled. He slowly heaved himself up to sitting. He had to use his arm to support himself, because if he didn’t it felt like he would fall down again. That was also as far as he could get. It was that far but not longer. As he sat there staring down at his legs he felt something that he could only describe as fear creep up on him. Luckily before it got worse Harvey pushed the coffee table to the side so that he could get the wheel chair closer to Mike.

“Alright?” Harvey said and then without waiting for an answer lifted Mike over to the chair. Mike couldn’t help but groan a bit when Harvey’s arm pressed at his sore back.

“Did I hurt you?” Harvey asked. “Do you want some painkillers?

“Yeah, I can take some.”

They had breakfast mostly in silence. Mike didn’t really feel like talking and Harvey had his laptop in front of him. Normally Mike would have complained about that, but now he felt a bit relieved. Harvey having the computer meant that they didn’t have to talk. Harvey was working or something.

Harvey cleaned up after them and Mike didn’t know what to do, so he just remained where he was. He felt stupid for just sitting there at an empty table but what else could he do?

He could hear Harvey in the kitchen and he tried a little to move the wheelchair, but when he bumped into the wall behind him he just stayed. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go. He wished he could go back to bed and just sleep until the day was over. He wasn’t so lucky though.

Harvey soon came back to the table though and Mike could tell that he was making an effort to try and act normal and engage Mike in conversation.

It wasn’t that easy on Harvey’s part, Mike didn’t seem that interested in talking. He just sat there in his chair staring out the window behind Harvey. It was a long morning.

Mike’s new bed arrived after lunch. It was a whole project to get it installed in Harvey’s office that would now act as bedroom for Mike. Harvey was satisfied with the result though and Mike even smiled a bit.

“So what do you think?” he asked the kid when they both were standing versus sitting in front of the bed.

“It’s great Harvey. Thank you.” Mike quietly said. “I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.” Harvey smiled down at him. “I couldn’t have you hogging the couch all the time anyway.”

Mike shook his head at him and reached forward to feel the bed. “Seems soft.”

“You want to try it out?” Harvey asked, but Mike shook his head. “Not now.”

Harvey let him be. It was something in the kid’s tone that told him to not start something with Mike now. It wasn’t his usual style, but everything was so different now. Mike was so different. He just shrugged now when Harvey asked what else he wanted to do.

Things between the two of them just felt so different. Mike threw glances once in a while in Harvey’s direction. It seemed like he was working now. Harvey had just placed him next to the couch and given him the remote. Mike had just taken it without a word. He hadn’t found anything that caught his attention and eventually he just chose something and ended up pretending to care.

Everything just felt so wrong now. He felt wrong. He felt like he was just invading on Harvey’s privacy. Did the older man even want him there? Sure Harvey had bought a bed for him, it must mean that he didn’t mind it so much that Mike was staying with him. Or was it just out of guilt? Harvey apparently stayed home from work today as well. That was probably because of the whole fiasco with Rachel yesterday. And now Harvey felt like he was forced to stay here with Mike. He probably wanted to leave. Mike glanced over towards his boss. Harvey was at the table with a bunch of files and his computer in front of him. He didn’t want Mike to help him it seemed. He hadn’t asked for it at least. Mike wanted to roll over there and ask him, he wanted to say something that would ease up the mood somehow but he didn’t know what. And he didn’t know if he would be able to roll somewhere. So he just remained where he was and kept quiet. He glanced down on his legs. He really didn’t like to look at them. They did look pretty normal though. He carefully tapped one of them. Nothing. He pressed his fingers down a bit harder and saw how his muscles gave way. He didn’t feel a single thing though. It was so strange. He dug his nails down as hard as he could, knew that it should hurt, but there was nothing.

“Mike?” Harvey’s voice startled him. “What are you watching?” Harvey walked over to him and sat down on the couch.

Mike shrugged. “I don’t even know.” He confessed.

Harvey watched him and nodded then. “Donna is going to come over for a bit soon.” He said. “I need to head over to the office for a while. Do you need help with anything before I go?”

Mike felt like he wanted to cry again. He felt how his eyes started to burn and he stared intently at the TV screen. He was able to will it away after a moment. It wasn’t just the fact that Harvey just had asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom before he left it was also the fact that he was leaving. Harvey had just confirmed his suspensions.

 Harvey waited while Mike was pretending to look at the TV. He knew that Mike was struggling. He had been working but looked up at Mike just to see him sit there and jab his fingers down onto his legs. He just had to intervene then. He wanted to get Mike’s thoughts away from whatever he was thinking right now. But he wasn’t that successful. Mike did not look happy at all, he rather looked the opposite.

“I’ll just be gone for a few hours and I thought I could bring some dinner with me for when I get back.” Harvey said.

“Okay.” Was all Mike said. He didn’t even look at Harvey.

“So do you want me to help you? I think Donna will be here soon.”

“Okay, but can you give me five minutes though.”

“Sure.” Harvey went to his room to lay out his clothes and then collected the files on the table. Mike was in the same position as before. Harvey didn’t know how to stall any longer. Mike just nodded when he asked if he was ready. Mike didn’t look or speak to him when Harvey helped him in the bathroom.

“So do want to lay down or keep sitting in the chair?” Harvey asked when they were done.

“Maybe the couch?” Mike said. So Harvey drove him as close as possibly and then awkwardly lifted Mike over to it. Mike was tense and had his lips pressed together. Harvey could feel how his arm had a hard grip around his neck.

“Are you in pain?” he asked and then felt bad as Mike nodded a little.

“Why didn’t you say anything then?”

Mike just looked away. Harvey got his meds from the kitchen counter and gave him a couple. He really felt like he should say something encouraging, but just couldn’t think of anything that he thought would really help Mike.

_-SUITS-_

Donna actually made him feel better when she arrived. She had something to eat with her that was kind of tasty. Some yoghurt that you drank. She had also brought a board game with her. At first Mike was hesitant and didn’t really see the point. But she arranged the game so that he could easily reach it from where he was on the couch. They played it five times, Mike winning each of them. He wasn’t sure if she let him win or not. Either way he enjoyed it.

Rachel arrived before they had finished the last round and Donna had suggested that they would stop then, but Mike had refused. He had wanted to finish so Rachel sat next to them and waited.

They had something to drink after that. Mike got some apple juice since Donna didn’t think that coffee would be good for him yet. He didn’t agree by didn’t argue either.

Harvey came back with dinner for all of them. It would have been a rare occasion for all of them to eat dinner together but Mike found that he couldn’t enjoy it the way he had wanted after they all saw how Harvey had to struggle a bit with getting him into a chair by the table. He just felt angry and embarrassed after that. Also the chair was really uncomfortable, but he hadn’t wanted to sit in the wheelchair either. He barely spoke during dinner and suspected that his bad mood somehow effected the other cause no one said much. It was his fault of course.

Harvey did try to engage Mike in conversations but the younger man barely answered. Harvey had received a look from Donna and had left it alone. He was able to ask her after dinner if something had happened, but Donna said things had been fine before he arrived.

“What? So you think it was me?” Harvey said only half joking.

“No of course not Harvey.” She said but Harvey didn’t feel convinced. He looked over at Mike and Rachel by the table. They were talking but Mike stared down at the table.

Rachel wanted to know how things were going for him and how he was feeling. He wanted to ask her what she thought this was like, but didn’t. He just said he was fine, however he couldn’t look at her when he said it. He wished she would just go. Sure that was rude and all but he juts couldn’t deal with the sympathetic looks she gave him and the way she wanted to talk about how he was doing all the time. It just made him angry. But he didn’t want to be angry at her since he knew she only thought that she was helping.

“Look Rachel, let’s just talk about something else, okay?” He said eventually. She still looked a bit surprised.

“Sure Mike, what do you want to talk about?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

She nodded a bit and then reached for his hand. He let her take it and held on to it a bit.

“I really miss you at home.” She said and smiled at him. He clenched his teeth and let go of her hand.

“It’s not like I can do anything about that Rachel!” He exclaimed.

“I know Mike I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant to say that I miss you and that I wish you were there.”

“Yeah, do you think I want to be stuck here? Don’t you think that I want to go home?”

“Of course…”

“But even if I could get up those damn stairs it’s not like you can help me with anything anyway.”

Rachel closed her eyes briefly. “That’s not really fair Mike.”

“Fair? You want to talk about what’s fair?” He knew that he probably should stop but he didn’t care. “Is any of this fair?” He waved with his broken arm towards his legs.

“No of course not, but I just meant that it’s not fair of you to say that I can’t help you with anything.”

“Well, what can you help me with then?”

“I know I can’t carry you Mike, but that’s not all that matters.”

“It’s the only thing I need!”

She just looked at him now with a sad expression, and all changed for Mike. It was like his emotions just did a backflip and he felt his eyes burn. He shook his head.

“Sorry Rachel. I didn’t mean that.” They looked at each other but before Rachel could respond Harvey and Donna were standing next to them.

“Everything alright here?” Harvey asked.

Neither Mike nor Rachel answered for a moment as they looked at each other.

“Yes, everything is fine.” Rachel smiled but Mike could tell that it wasn’t real. It was his fault.

“I’m sorry.” He said again ignoring Harvey that looked at him.

“It’s fine. But I think it’s time we left right, Donna?”

Two minutes later they had left. Rachel hadn’t met his eyes as she said goodbye to him. He felt like shit.

“How are you doing?” Harvey said and sat down on Rachel’s vacant seat.

Mike just shrugged. He didn’t know what to say. Harvey nodded a little.

“Well, it’s time you took some meds. You feel like laying down maybe?”

Mike just remained where he was as a Harvey got him his medication and a glass of water. After that Harvey yet again helped him over to the wheelchair and then to the bathroom. All he could think of in there where the conversation he had with Rachel.. He knew he had hurt her, but he had been right as well, it was no way that she could do what was needed. She must understand that right? It was his only problem. At least that was what he tried to tell himself. He did all he could to avoid looking at his legs. It was hard in the bathroom.

Harvey lifted him over to his new bed after that. It was pretty comfortable and Harvey seemed satisfied.

“So do you like it?” He asked and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.” Mike said.

Harvey watched him for a minute. Mike didn’t really look that well. He was pale and had dark circles around his eyes. He still had traces of a bruise along his face. He laid tense in bed and wasn’t really looking at Harvey. Almost like he didn’t notice him.

Harvey made another attempt at starting a conversation but Mike wasn’t that interested.

“Are you tired?” Harvey asked.

Mike shrugged again.

“I’ll just take care of some stuff, okay.” Harvey left the room and started with making sure the kitchen was in order. An hour had passed when he returned to Mike’s room. The kid was in the same position as before.

“I’m heading to bed Mike.” Harvey announced. Mike turned his head to look at him then. He nodded a little.

“You need anything or are you good?” Harvey asked.

“I’m good.” Mike mumbled eventually.

“Well, see you tomorrow then. Good night Mike.”

“Good night.”

“You want me to…?” Harvey mentioned for the lamp and Mike felt himself stiffen when he realized that he wouldn’t be able to reach the switch. Harvey turned the light out. Then he left the room and closed the door after him. Mike bit his tongue to stop himself from calling Harvey back as darkness spread in the room. He wished that the door had remained opened. He immediately felt trapped. He breathed out deeply in an attempt to calm himself down. It was fine, he was fine. He was going to sleep anyway now. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t that tired though. He didn’t like this at all. He wished he was back on the couch again. Somehow that had felt better than this.

The bed was nice though. Comfortable. He tried to think positive. Today had been a pretty good day. Donna and Rachel had come to visit him. Then he had screwed up with Rachel. The way she had looked at him came for him now. Disappointed and sad. He had almost yelled at her, told her she couldn’t help him. But that wasn’t true. Just the fact that she was there to see him helped. At least a little. He tried to feel helped by it anyway.

He tried to move his feet. Nothing of course. He didn’t even know why he bothered trying. It wasn’t going to happen. He was just stupid. His mind wandered away to that alley again. He had been stupid then too. He had begged Joe not to hurt him. If he only would have run. If he had as soon as he saw Joe with the crowbar. If he had he would probably still have the ability to walk. He would easily have outrun Joe. But he hadn’t because he had been stupid. Joe had tried to get rid of him then. He had tried to stuff him in a dumpster, like he was trash. He often thought of that. The feeling he had had then when Joe tried to drag him over and he had been too broken to do anything. Just like he was now. He only had himself to blame. He was trash.

Shit! He tried with all he had to think of something else. But that wasn’t easy. He felt how he shook and how his heart was beating hard in his chest. He felt all shaky and couldn’t relax. He wished he wasn’t alone. He wished Rachel was there, or Harvey. He felt himself tear up where he was laying in the dark. Rachel probably wouldn’t want to help him anymore after what he had said today. He wondered if she would come if he asked her to stay the night with him. He was so afraid that she would say no now, if he asked.

He managed to fall asleep after an hour or so laying there like that. His night didn’t get much better though since he woke from a nightmare. He felt totally pathetic when he cried again from it. He wanted to call out for Harvey, but didn’t. Eventually he fell asleep yet again, just to have another nightmare. It was only 4:45 AM but he decided not to go back to sleep again.

_-SUITS-_

Mike didn’t appear to be in the best of moods the next morning and when Harvey asked the kid what was up he just muttered that he was tired. He refused to get out of bed too until Harvey got annoyed with him and might have yelled a little. It didn’t improve Mike’s mood.

Mike had a doctor’s appointment set for that afternoon and Harvey had decided to go with him. Mike was quiet in the car and leaned against the window. Harvey wanted to say something about it but didn’t and next time he looked over Mike’s eyes was closed and he looked relaxed.

He woke up from Harvey shaking his arm. He wasn’t pleased about that and wished it had been a longer ride to the hospital. He found that he actually liked being in a car more than he used to because in the car he felt equal to Harvey or whoever was there. It had been nice to get some sleep as well. A sleep without dreams. But now they were there and he had to face reality again.

The hospital visit wasn’t pleasant at all, not that he had expected it to be, but it was also worse than he thought it would be. He was examined again and told that there was no change. Then they spoke to a doctor that told them about all kinds of negative consequences that might come from being paralyzed. Apparently it was everything from pain and depression to breathing difficulties. It wasn’t really that uplifting. They also told him again about the center and that he still had the option of going there. He avoided the subject the best he could.

They went back home after the visit. Mike was in a bad mood. He just felt angry. It wasn’t fair. He wanted to yell that out loud but he wasn’t a damn child so he didn’t. He had to suppress it all, but it wasn’t an easy thing to do. Another pretty unpleasant thing was that his pain medication had been lowered. It meant that he probably would start to experience a bit more pain, mostly in his back. But it was something with that they didn’t want him to become addicted to the medication. Harvey had seemed positive about the whole thing which made Mike annoyed since he knew where Harvey’s mind was going. He felt a bit nervous about the fact that his medication was lowered. So far he hadn’t really been in much pain at all because of the pain killers but that might change now apparently. They had told him not to worry though. Easy for them to say. The thought of chronic pain wasn’t easy to get out of mind, they had talked about that too.

The first day with a lower doze of painkillers was okay, he didn’t feel all that much different. However the second day it all went south. When he woke up that morning it was to pain. It was radiating from his back and spread through his entire body. At least that was what it felt like. His jaw and head ached as well. He hadn’t really been aware of how much the pain medication he had received had helped, but now he was. This was going to suck.

Harvey came a while later to help Mike out of bed and noticed right away that something was up with the kid. Mike was all tense and quiet. He barely answered when Harvey tried to talk to him. Harvey suppressed an urge to shake him and just ask what the hell it was now.

Instead he helped Mike get dressed and then to the bathroom and the breakfast table. After they had eaten Mike seemed to be in a bit of a better mood.

Mainly Mike felt better since he had taken some meds with breakfast and they were pretty fast acting. The worst pain came down to a mild ache and then to just a sort of numb feeling. He got the pills three times a day now. Morning, lunch and before he went to sleep. It turned out that the time between lunch and night pills were too long for him.

Rachel came over to babysit him after lunch and Harvey went to work. At first things were fine. Harvey helped him down on the couch before he left and Rachel and Mike started to watch some TV show Rachel had heard about from another paralegal. It was pretty okay but halfway into the third episode he started to feel worse, more in pain. He kept quiet about it since he didn’t want to worry Rachel. She was pretty amazing to him. Kind and caring even though he knew that she didn’t agree with him on his decisions.

An hour later though he couldn’t take it anymore. Rachel had noticed as well and asked if everything was fine. He had lied and said he was fine. Not anymore.

The pain made in irritated and then angry. Rachel didn’t appreciate it and they ended up fighting again. She wouldn’t give him any pain killers either and it wasn’t like he could get them himself. He could see them on the kitchen counter from where he sat.

“Just get them!” He yelled at Rachel and saw how her face hardened. He didn’t care.

“No Mike, not yet. I told you that you have to wait some. Harvey told me about what could happened and I actually agree with him that…”

“Oh come on Rachel! You never agree with Harvey, he doesn’t know what he is talking about anyway. It’s not that bad if I take them a few hours early.”

“I just think that we should wait until Harvey gets here. I told you that we could try something else to lessen the pain Mike…”

“Nothing else works!”

“You don’t know that, if you haven’t tried it.”

Mike swore at her then and bored his head into a pillow. Damn Rachel and damn Harvey! He should have known Harvey had ordered Rachel to not let him touch the meds. He had talked her over on his side apparently and Mike hated the fact that he wasn’t able to do anything by himself to get rid of the pain. It affected his ability to think clearly. He had never experienced anything like it either, pain like this.

It was like he was constantly being stabbed in the back. Like there was something there actually boring into him. He tried to move away from it, to keep pressure off his back, and ended up half slumped over the edge of the couch. Rachel was there and tried to talk to him, wanted him to move back, asked if he wanted her to massage his back. She suggested putting something warm or cold him his back, but he just yelled at her to leave him alone. He knew he was rude but he just didn’t care. He couldn’t because of the pain. He would apologize later.

Rachel didn’t leave him alone though.

“Please Mike, just let me try and help you.” She said next to him, he shrugged her of when she touched his shoulder.

“Give me the meds then!” He said. He heard how she sighed.

“Soon Mike.” She said.  He could hear how she walked away and then her faint voice. She must have called Harvey because she came back a little while later and told him that Harvey was on his way home.

“You want him to bail you out or what?” He threw out.

“No Mike.”

“You are supposed to be on my side! Not Harvey’s.”

“Harvey and I are actually both on your side. We are trying to do what’s best for you here.”

“Really?! Cause this sucks!”

Rachel sighed. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Mike chose to ignore her after that. At least he didn’t answer her. He tried to focus on something else than the pain. Rachel didn’t seem to understand how bad it was anyway. He could feel himself starting to sweat and sometimes his body would shutter involuntarily like he was cold.

Harvey arrived some time later and Mike immediately felt relieved.

“Hey there? What’s up with you?” Harvey looked down on him from the side of the couch.

Mike glared at him. “I m excellent.”

“You in pain?”

“A bit yes. Can you just give me the painkillers?”

“Look Mike, you know you are not supposed to take any until later this night. So you should probably wait for a few hours.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to wait. I want to take them now. I’m in pain now.”

The anger was so close now. Both Rachel and Harvey was just standing there looking at him, both clearly hesitant towards helping him. They seemed to want to really stick to his doctors orders and ignore the fact that it meant that Mike would have to be in severe pain for at least four more hours. The thought of that both made him want to cry and to scream at them.

“Just give them to me!” He exclaimed.

“But Mike if we just could try something else first and then we can…” Rachel started.

“Let’s wait a few hours.” Harvey said at the same time.

Mike wasn’t going to back down though, he hated this treatment, like they thought he couldn’t make the right decisions and when he didn’t they just made it for him. The problem was that he was totally at their mercy since he couldn’t get the pills himself. That wasn’t fair and it made him so damn angry. They shouldn’t do this to him.

The argument got more heated from all of them. However Mike was at a disadvantage since he was both stuck were he was and that Rachel and Harvey was at the same side.

It ended with Rachel leaving in anger, but not before saying that Mike was Harvey’s to deal with now and she wished him good luck. Hearing her say that was awful and he could feel tears burn in his eyes. He still screamed for her to get out if that was what she wanted.

“I think we both could use a break.” Harvey said then and he left the room and Mike. Mike didn’t answer and didn’t look at Harvey. He just heard him walk away.

He tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down. The pain from his back made it impossible to relax though. His eyes flooded over and he did an attempt to sit up but that didn’t make anything better. Nothing had been better. He was going to have to stay here and wait it out just like Harvey and Rachel had decided. Like what he thought didn’t matter anymore. Like he was nothing. Not worthy of his own opinions. Like he was trash. This time when that thought came over him he didn’t bother to try and cast it away. He felt like it was true now.

He had behaved so badly as well. He had been rude towards Rachel. He had never spoken to her like that before. He knew she was trying to help him but still he hadn’t been able to stop himself from speaking to her like that. Fear rose in him at that moment. What if she would leave him? He wouldn’t be surprised if she did. What did he have to offer her now? What would their life be like?

And Harvey. Harvey who was stuck with him here at his place. What if Harvey got sick of having him here when all Mike did was demand his help and then yell at him once in a while. For God sakes Harvey had to help him to the bathroom. He must hate that. Who would want to do that for your employee? Harvey probably just did it out of guilt or pity.

He tried to turn on his side. The pain was unbearable when he was on his back. It got even worse when he changed position since he wasn’t able to turn completely on his side. His legs weighed a ton and wouldn’t follow his movements. He was crying now and couldn’t suppress a moan when he fell back onto his back.

He wished with all he had that he could change the situation he was in somehow but didn’t know how. He wished he would pass out.

- _SUITS_ -

Things had not gone well with Mike. Harvey had gotten home and found Mike on the couch in a terrible mood. Not soon after Harvey had gotten home he had been screamed at. He had trouble letting that go. He was being yelled at in his own home. Sure Mike said that he had been in pain but that didn’t excuse him.

The pain medication was an issue. They had been told at the hospital that it was important that they followed the instructions on the prescribed meds otherwise Mike might develop an addiction. Harvey had promised himself that he wasn’t going to let that become an issue for Mike on top of everything else the kid was dealing with. But now it seemed like it wasn’t as easy as he had thought to follow through. When he stepped into the living room and saw the state Mike was in his first thought had been to just give Mike the pain killers. He was clearly in pain. But Rachel had suggested that they try something else first and Mike flat out refused.

Mike didn’t back down after that and had yelled at them and Harvey got annoyed. Rachel had gotten angry as well and had said some things to Mike that must have been pretty hurtful for the other man to hear. Rachel had left after that and Harvey had went into his office as well. He had closed the door and sat down on the chair. He now spun around on it so that he was facing the door. He tried to listen and see if he could hear Mike. His eyes fell on the bed and the new bag with more of Mike’s things that Rachel had dropped off for him. It was the third bag so far. Harvey didn’t know why he did it but he stepped over and carefully pulled the zipper to open the bag. It was mostly clothes but also some sort of book was stuffed in there. Harvey took it out and saw that it was a photo album. He was really invading Mike’s privacy here but it wasn’t like Mike could come and see him do it. He probably wasn’t even sure the album was there or the bag for that matter.

Harvey opened the album at random. What meet him was a larger picture of a small family. It must be Mike and his parents. The young boy was wedged in between his parents that both held on to him. They were all smiling at the camera. They looked like a happy, loving family. At this picture the younger Mike was held and loved.

The older Mike on Harvey’s couch was neither. No one was going to comfort him like it looked like his mother was capable of. Mike had been on his own a lot in his life, without everything that the picture held. And now if ever Mike really would have benefited from it. Now he needed it.

Harvey closed the album, put it back in the bag and closed it. He walked back out into the living room.

Mike was in a bad shape. It tore in Harvey to see that he was actually crying. Guilt spread within him. He was part of the reason why Mike was crying. His associate who had been badly hurt at work, during a time when Harvey was responsible for him, he was now laying on Harvey’s own couch crying and in pain. Screw the damn doctor’s instruction. He went to the kitchen and soon returned to Mike. He sat down on the coffee table. Mike groaned and made a weak attempt at turning away from him.

“I have the pills here Mike. I have them here.” He said.

Mike’s whole expression changed and relief was showing in eyes wet eyes. He didn’t say anything just held out a shaky hand towards Harvey, his whole attention focused on the medication in Harvey’s hand. He swallowed them dry and waved Harvey’s hand away when he tried to hand him a glas of water.

Mike fell back against the pillow and closed his eyes. All he had to do now was wait. He just had to wait and it would feel better. It would go away. He would feel better. He had to. Just wait. Breathe and wait. He ignored Harvey. He ignored the fact that Harvey saw him cry. He pushed the humiliation away. Soon he would feel better. The pain would lessen. It had to.

Harvey made a few attempts to get the kid talking but it was like Mike didn’t hear him. Or he totally ignored Harvey. He felt like shit for not realizing how bad it had been. Mike had been in serious pain and what had he done? He had argued with the man. He had told him that he could wait a few hours. Clearly Mike couldn’t do that. He cursed the damn doctors. Mike was not in a shape of waiting for hours for pain relief. He would have to give the hospital a call later to straighten this out. For now he waited.

Mike seemed to be a bit calmer about fifteen minutes later. His breathing had slowed down a bit and he wasn’t as tense.

“Doing better?” Harvey tried.

Mike opened his eyes slowly and looked at him then. It was almost like he was a bit surprised by the fact that Harvey was sitting next to him. Harvey couldn’t help but notice that the kid tensed up again. They had to talk.

Mike swallowed and tried to smile a bit. He had been startled by Harvey. He had been so focused on breathing that he had forgotten that Harvey had been there. Now he felt nervous and worried. He had been yelling and all and now Harvey seemed to be nice to him. What was going on?

“You know I thought of rolling of the couch and hit my head against the floor.” He tried to make it seem like a joke. Though the thought had entered his mind as a valid option. Harvey seemed actually shocked though.

“What? To knock yourself out?”

“It was my next option. Or my only option, except that rolling over was excruciating.”

“Shit kid. Sorry. I… I didn’t realize.”

Harvey seemed genuinely sorry and that did something to Mike. Oh no. He didn’t know if he could deal with this. Harvey was apologizing to him when he was the one that had been behaving badly. Harvey shouldn’t apologize. He had been the rude one. He had been rude and ungrateful. It was him. Harvey should be mad at him. But Mike didn’t want him to be.

Mike didn’t answer Harvey at first. He stared off into space and Harvey saw how his eyes yet again started to tear up. Seeing that made him clench his fists. Mike’s lips opened and then closed again. Then he spoke.

“I’m… I’m sorry too.”

Harvey shook his head. “You don’t need to be.”

Mike looked up at him then. “Yes I do.” He said. He had tears in his eyes and Harvey saw how he tensed. He gripped the blanked he had over him hard in his hand. Harvey wasn’t sure on what to do to make it better. He wanted to joke it all away but that wasn’t appropriate now. Instead he placed a hand on Mike’s shoulder and squeezed a bit. He did his best to ignore the fact that Mike’s first reaction was to flinch. Mike briefly met his eyes but then he looked away. He was tense below Harvey’s hand. Harvey kept it there.

A moment later had Mike still tense and unmoving. Harvey just waited. He felt his heart twist a little when Mike then carefully lowered his head so that his cheek rested against Harvey’s hand. He could feel moisture there from the younger man’s tears. He understood that Mike was seeking comfort from him at this point. He didn’t move.

“You are not mad right?” Mike whispered. He just had to know. He didn’t think that Harvey was mad at him anymore, but he needed to be sure. He couldn’t deal with it if Harvey was. He just felt so down and he couldn’t even get a grip on himself enough to force those damn tears away. He had to blink a few times to see Harvey clearly.

Harvey squeezed Mike’s shoulder a bit harder before answering.

“Absolutely not Mike.” He said it with enough force so that he hoped Mike wouldn’t doubt him.

Mike just nodded a little and stayed as he was. Cheek resting on Harvey’s hand.

- _SUITS_ -


	8. Chapter 8

Harvey wasn’t really aware on how long they stayed like that. He just sat there with Mike. If this was somehow getting Mike in a better mood or making him feeling better somehow he didn’t mind doing it.

Mike eventually straightened up a bit.

“The pain is almost gone.” He said.

“That’s good. Good.” Harvey absentmindedly said and removed his hand.

“Harvey…” Mike hesitated.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I’d like to take a shower.” He said.

“A shower?” Harvey parroted.

“Yeah, I could really use one and…”

“Yeah, I bet you could. You haven’t had in since the hospital have you?”

“Not a real one.”

“God Mike why didn’t you say something? I didn’t even think about it.”

Mike looked down and sighed. “It’s not like I want to do it.” He mumbled. He could feel himself blush. This was something he had been thinking about now but hadn’t said anything. He dreaded it.

“We got that chair from the hospital and all.” Harvey was saying now. “You want to do it now? I’ll go and set it up.”

Before Mike could answer he was gone and Mike closed his eyes for a bit. Damn this was going to suck.

Harvey was back a few minutes later and pulled up the wheelchair close to the couch.

“Alright, let’s do this. I was thinking it would be easier to get rid of your clothes here.”

For a short moment Mike felt like crying, but then he bit his lip and nodded. Harvey was right. He awkwardly did his best to help as Harvey removed his pants and his hoodie.

Harvey then carefully lifted him over to the chair and they went to the bathroom. Harvey helped him to pull off his t-shirt.

“We have to do something about your arm.” Harvey said. Eventually they rapped a plastic bag around his cast and Harvey taped it to his arm.

“That should work.“ Harvey said.

“Alright. Let’s get you over to this thing then.”

It was a plastic chair on wheels that Harvey had placed under the shower head. Mike glared at it and held on to the wheelchair. He wasn’t sure he wanted to do this anymore. He felt so exposed sitting practically naked in front of Harvey. And it was going to get worse.

“Okay…” Harvey said. “Let’s take those off too then.” He didn’t move though.

“Just… wait.”  Mike said. He wasn’t ready.

“Are you afraid I’m going to look?” Harry smirked but Mike felt anger flare up in him.

“It’s not funny!”

“Fine Mike, but I’m afraid there is some things you need to let go of if you want this to work.”

“Yeah, like what? My privacy and my dignity?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Mike didn’t answer.

“How do you want to do this then Mike?”

“I don’t know! Okay Harvey!”

Harvey raised his hands. “Fine.”

Mike closed his eyes for a minute. Damn it!

“Just get me a towel or something to cover myself with.”

Harvey handed it to him and watched how Mike grabbed it and clutch it hard to him. He was bent over his lap and he was shivering slightly. His back still bore witness to what had happened in that alley. Harvey waited to see if Mike would say something. Would he tell him to leave after he had gotten him into the shower stall or would he let Harvey help him? It all felt very awkward and Harvey felt sorry for the younger man.

“Get me over to it.” Mike then quietly said so Harvey did. Every muscle in Mike’s body that was able to it was tense when Harvey moved him and helped him with the last part of clothing. Mike hissed when Harvey lowered him over to the other chair.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked.

“No, it’s cold.” Mike whispered. “I’m cold.”

“Okay.” Harvey stepped back a bit unsure of how to proceed.

“You can leave now. I got it!” Mike said.

“How exactly?” Harvey asked.

“I don’t know! I’ll figure it out.”

“With just the one arm?”

“Yes!”

“And how will you get the soup? Open the bottle with just one hand?”

“Yes!”

“I’m just saying that I don’t mind staying and helping you Mike.”

“But I don’t want you to.” It tore in Harvey the way Mike’s voice broke.

“It’s okay Mike.” Harvey quietly said and pushed Mike a bit more forward and reached for the shower head to take it down.

“Harvey…”

“Just let me help you with this Mike. It’s no big deal.” At least he tried to sound like it wasn’t. He waited, wanting the go ahead from Mike. He did receive it in form of a nod. He quickly took of his socks and stepped into the shower stall. Luckily it was wide enough to fit them both, but he was going to get wet unless he held the shower head. So that was what he did. He then turned to Mike that was sitting with his head bent down.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” He turned the water on and adjusted the temperature and moved so that he was behind Mike.

“Here we go.”

Mike jerked a bit when the water hit his back. He didn’t say a word. Harvey let it fall on his back a while and then moved up to his head.

“Lean back Mike.” Mike did, he had a hard grip on the arm rest of the chair. Harvey moved over to his front.

“Alright, you are soaked. Time for some soap I guess.” He turned the water off and reached for the bottle. “Hold out your hand.”

He started the water and Mike flinched a bit again. Harvey let it shower over him and saw how Mike squirmed a bit. He felt the water and quickly pulled his hand away.

“Shit! Is it too hot?”

Mike nodded then. “A bit.”

“Damn it Mike. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Mike shrugged.

“Well. Sorry.” Harvey adjusted the temperature. He didn’t understand why Mike didn’t say anything. They continued in silence.

Mike jerked away when Harvey started to help him get the shampoo out of his hair.

“What?” Harvey asked.

“Yeah, what are you doing?”

“I’m helping you. You didn’t get it all.”

“Can you just strop out for a bit Harvey?”

“Fine. Here.“ He gave Mike the shower head and left the room.

For a moment Mike sat with his eyes closed then he took care of the rest. He ended up dropping the shower head on the floor and couldn’t reach it again. He felt done anyway so he called on Harvey. He just wanted this over with now.

“Oh so you are done?” Harvey smiled at him but Mike couldn’t meet his eyes. Harvey pushed him into the center of the room and proceeded with wrapping a large towel around him. It was warm and engulfed him. Harvey started stoking his arms and then his back. It felt nice. Then Harvey took another towel and lightly started to dry his hair. Mike didn’t know Harvey had that side to him. It was like he actually didn’t mind doing this. They looked into each others eyes and Harvey smiled at him.

“There you go. Time for clothes.” Harvey mumbled. “I got you some fresh ones.”

Mike was quite during the time Harvey helped him get dressed. Harvey kept talking though. It felt that he was easing up the tension just a little bit by doing it.

Harvey got them into the living room then and asked where Mike wanted to go. Mike said he wanted to lie down so Harvey got him on too his bed. Harvey placed himself in Mike’s now empty wheelchair.

“So do you want to have a conversation about what happened today?” he carefully said. He thought it would be a good idea. He wished Mike would just meet his eyes but the kid didn’t now either.

“I just want to be alone. Harvey, I want to be alone.” He said instead. So much for that.

Harvey nodded and left the room. Mike only started to relax when the door had been closed for a few minutes. That was when the tears came. He just couldn’t help it. This had been a whole new world of humiliation. Absolutely awful.

Harvey though, had acted like it wasn’t a big deal but to Mike it cut into his very soul. He knew he was maybe being a bit dramatic, but it was just how it felt.

He didn’t want this! He didn’t want to have to have help with taking a shower. He didn’t and he cried about the fact that he did need it. He buried his face into a pillow and just let it out. This whole day had sucked.

The pain had been unbearable and the thought of experiencing it again scared him. The warm water from the shower had helped some though. Good to know. He hadn’t thought it would get that bad though. Hopefully he would get used to it or something. He didn’t want to think about it.

However the pain had made him act like an ass. He had fought with Rachel again. He had yelled at her. He resented himself for that.

He had been so helpless today. He hadn’t been able to do anything for himself. Simple every day things and he couldn’t do them anymore. He totally depended on Harvey or Rachel to get him the mess and they had refused. He had felt like nothing then. Like he was a child. Like trash. He cried more at that thought. Why did it keep coming back to him?

It felt like his tears never would end. He felt so humiliated and crying his eyes out didn’t help that feeling. It just made him feel weak for not being able to deal with his situation. He wanted to leave Harvey’s apartment. He wanted to get away. But he couldn’t. He was trapped here. Besides he had nowhere else to go. He doubted Rachel would even want him in their apartment after today. He hadn’t even said goodbye to her today.

He must have cried himself to sleep because when he opened his eyes it was dark in the room. He felt hungry and was immediately afraid that it was late at night and that Harvey had went to bed already. He had no way of knowing.

“Harvey!”

Harvey jerked a bit in surprise when he heard Mike call his name. He had almost forgotten about the kid, he had been so engrossed in work. Two hours earlier when he had went to check on Mike he had been asleep so Harvey just let him be.

Mike was laying in the dark looking up at him when he stepped into the room. Harvey thought he looked worried.

“You okay? Are you in pain?” he asked.

“I’m okay.”

 “You want to come up for a bit?”

Mike glared at him then. “Yes please dad.” He said sarcastically.

“You know what I mean.” Harvey rolled his eyes. But he got Mike out of bed and placed him by the table on a normal chair per Mike’s request.

Harvey fixed them something to eat and they ate in silence. Harvey wanted on the right moment to start a conversation. He wasn’t used to this. Under normal circumstances he would have just said what he wanted to Mike, but now the kid was too vulnerable. He did feel sorry for Mike. He could imagine how he would feel himself if he suddenly lost the ability to walk. Or take a shower by himself for that matter.

“Do think Rachel is pissed?” Mike surprised him by asking a few minutes later.

Harvey raised an eyebrow at him. “Well…”

“Yeah, you know what. Don’t answer that. Of course she is. I was an ass to her.” Mike bit his lip.

“I’m sure she will forgive you.” Harvey said.

Mike sighed. “I hope so.”

- _SUITS_ -

Mike woke up in pain that night. It was blinding and paralyzing. He thought that he screamed. He must have because Harvey showed up. He seemed to understand what the problem was right away because he left again without a word and returned with a few pain killers. He sat in the room with Mike until the worst pain had ebbed away and Mike was somehow good again.

“We should probably talk to your doctor about this.” Harvey said. “I’ll take care of it.”

Mike had just nodded and drifted off to sleep a while later.

The next morning he tried to call Rachel, however she didn’t pick up. He tried again after lunch and left her a voicemail. He drifted his concerns with Harvey, who stayed home with him without mentioning anything about it.

“She’ll come around Mike.” Harvey just answered. He had his head stuck in a file and Mike was pretty sure that he wasn’t really listening.

Rachel did call him later that afternoon. She apologized for not answering sooner but Mike wasn’t sure if he bought her excuse. He carefully asked if she wanted to come over and have dinner with him. His heart sank when she told him that she had to work late. She promised to come over the next day. He sat a while and stared at his phone until Harvey came over and sat down across from him.

“I have something that I would like to talk to you about.” He said.

Mike shook his head a little to get the disappointment and the crushing feeling he had after the conversation with Rachel out of his mind.

“Sure, what?”

Harvey had a serious look on his face. “I talked to the police today Mike.”

“About Joe Henderson?”  

“Yes, about Joe Henderson. They have picked up a lead on his whereabouts, Mike. Unfortunately they are pretty sure that he has left the state. They caught him on a surveillance camera at a bus stop. They are sending someone over to talk to the bus driver they think drove him. Hopefully he will remember something.”

Mike felt his heart sink even more at these news. “So basically it’s nothing new. It’s not really a surprise that he would leave the state is there?”

Harvey sighed. “I guess not.”

“So he will most likely get away with doing this to me?”

“No he won’t.” Harvey answered immediately. “I won’t let him Mike.”

“I’m sorry Harvey, but I don’t see how you will be able to do something about it.”

“He is not getting away with it.” Harvey said and stood up. He nodded once to Mike and then left. Mike watched him go and felt his eyes burn all of a sudden. Harvey just walked away and he was stuck on the couch. He wished he was in the wheelchair. But his back sort of hurt since he had been in it for pretty much half of the day.

Harvey had placed a call to his doctor earlier and had been promised that Mike’s medication would be adjusted. For now Harvey would just give him the painkillers when he asked for them. Mike wasn’t sure what it was that had made Harvey change his mind like that. He didn’t care though as long as it meant that he wouldn’t be in that terrible pain.

He didn’t want to think that much about the fact that Joe was still not caught. It just made him feel worse at the thought of that the man who put him in a wheelchair was still free to do whatever he wanted, while he himself was stuck on whatever spot Harvey was kind enough to put him in. It made him angry.

He was bored as well. He had spent much of the day watching TV, but he had trouble concentrating on anything. He also felt kind of guilty doing it when Harvey was in the next room working. Harvey refused to let him help though.

“Mike you should be resting. I won’t give you any files.” He had said when Mike had asked. Not that Mike was sure that he would be able to go through any files anyway. He really wished that Rachel would have been able to come over.

It wasn’t Rachel that come over the next day when the doorbell rang, it was Donna. Mike was very happy to see her though and hugged her when she came. He didn’t do that much, hug his coworkers.

Harvey had probably called her over to come babysit him, since Harvey left a few minutes after her arrival. He did ask if Mike needed to use the bathroom before he left. Mike felt himself blush at the question and curtly declined without looking at Harvey. Damn it.

Harvey’s question left him angry and humiliated. Donna made a weak attempt at saving the situation, but Mike thought it failed. She then started to tell him news from the office, but he wasn’t interested in hearing about that. She soon got that because she instead started to ask him a bunch of questions after that, many that he didn’t want to answer. He did his best in avoiding answering them, and to repress his annoyance but he could feel himself failing. He was just in a weird mood. He asked her in turn how Rachel was and if she had talked to her. He saw immediately on her that she had. However she didn’t say much wish made Mike’s annoyance grow.

“Donna if you know something, just tell me!” He said.

“Mike, you know I’m Rachel’s friend.”

“I thought you were my friend too.”

“Of course I am.”

“Then tell me what she said.”

“She just told me that you had a hard time the other day.”

“Yes I did, and did she also tell you that she wasn’t much of a help at all?”

“Mike, that’s not fair.”

“I was in pain and she refused to give me anything for it.”

“But you weren’t supposed to have them, where you?”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Of course you are taking her side.” He said. “Because what I do or feel don’t matter as much does it?”

“Mike!”

He could feel his heart beating hard in his chest. He had this urge to argue even though he knew that this wasn’t going to end well.

“You know that I heard your voicemail right? The one you left me when I was laying on the ground in that alley.”

He watched how Donna paled and he knew that he should stop, he didn’t know why he did this even. But he didn’t stop. He continued.

“You said you thought I was pulling some shit and that I should just get back so that you wouldn’t have to waste your energy on me while you were in trouble. You said I was selfish!”

She had tears in her eyes now, he should just stop and apologize. Or at least say something that eased up the mood. But he didn’t.

“That’s your first thought about me! That I just don’t give a shit that you were in trouble! I went there because of you! To get you out of that mess! I did it for you!”

“Please Mike…”

“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.” He could feel himself breathing rapidly and bit his tongue hard.

“I’m stuck like this now. Maybe I just got what I deserved huh? Donna?”

She was crying now. He had made her cry. However her eyes didn’t leave his, the tears just ran down her cheeks and seeing it made the air go out of him. The built up anger ebbed out and guilt immediately replaced it. He made her cry. He had basically just accused her of him getting assaulted. Why did he do that? He was awful.

”I’m…I’m sorry.” He said. ”I’m sorry Donna. I…I don’t why…”

She shook her head. “No Mike.” She shakily said. ”I’m so sorry for leaving you that voicemail. I’m so sorry about that. I didn’t know what had happened to you.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“And of course I don’t think that you deserved this Mike, of course not. I wish I would have done more. And I will always regret saying those words to you.”

“I know.” He whispered. She still had tears in her eyes but he could tell that she was trying to compose herself. She was smiling at him. He had trouble meeting her eyes. What had he done? He felt all shaky inside. He hadn’t meant to blurt all of that out. He wanted to take it back, but he couldn’t and he watched how Donna smiled at him now like everything was fine again. He had hurt her though. He had hurt her and at the moment when he did it, it had felt good. He was now embarrassed of that feeling.

He flinched away when she tried to stroke his arm. He saw how she stiffened. He didn’t know what to do next.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

She shook her head. ”I’m sorry too Mike. I really am.”

“Okay.” He said. He didn’t say anything else and neither did she. What should he do?

“I think I want to sleep a bit.” He whispered eventually.

“Okay, sure.” Donna said. He let her help him to lay down and thanked her when she draped a blanket over him.

“I’ll just be over here.” She said then. Her voice was steady again and she had gotten back to herself. There was no traces of tears on her cheeks and her smile was genuine.

Mike couldn’t even force himself to smile back. As soon as he laid down he closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep. He was pretty sure though that he didn’t fool Donna. He just laid there and felt bad. He felt so stupid. Eventually he actually fell asleep.

- _SUITS_ -

Harvey had been at the office for exactly four hours. He deemed that long enough to be away from his condo without having to feel guilty about Mike. He had called Rachel and asked if she wanted to come and stay with Mike during that time but she had said no. She thought it best if she and Mike spent a day apart. Harvey could understand her, but wasn’t sure Mike would. He called Donna instead.

She was sitting at the kitchen island when he stepped inside his apartment. Mike was on the couch.

“Is he sleeping?” He asked Donna and sat down in front of her. She looked a bit tense.

“I think so.” She said quietly.

“You think so?”

“I’m pretty sure he was pretending at first but now I’m almost ninety percent sure he is sleeping for real.”

“Okay…” He waited. She had something on her mind and he was about to know soon.

“Harvey…” She started.

“What did he do Donna?” He asked.

She looked away from him and shook her head a little. “I don’t know if I should tell you.

“Tell me what?”

“I’m still deciding.”

“Oh, well, take your time.”

“It’s just that when Mike was missing that day, I offered to look for him.”

“Yes…”

“And when I couldn’t find him I left him a message where I said some things that I regret now knowing what happened to him. I didn’t know if Mike had heard it or not, but today I… I found out that he had.”

 She paused and Harvey’s stomach tensed as he saw that her eyes started to get shiny.

“He threw it in your face didn’t he?” He asked.

She nodded and Harvey sighed.

“It was awful. He said, he said that he went there for me. That he did it to help me Harvey.”

“What do he blames you?”

“No, he didn’t use those words Harvey.”

“But that was what he meant? That it was your fault?”

“He was just upset Harvey. The message I left him was…”

“I don’t care Donna. You know you have no fault in what happened to him.”

“He went there to…”

“He went there because I told him to. I’m going to talk to him about this.” Harvey looked over towards Mike. He was in the same position as before.

“Harvey you don’t have to do that. I just told you this because I wanted you to know where Mike’s head is at.”

“And where is that you mean?”

“He is struggling Harvey. He is angry about what happened to him and he is trying to figure out why it happened.”

“So he is blaming you.”

“No he isn’t. I think he is wondering if he deserves this Harvey.”

Donna blinked a few times. She looked towards Mike. Harvey nodded.

“That’s just stupid. Of course he didn’t deserve it.”

She nodded. “Try to get that through his head Harvey. Tell him that I will see him tomorrow again. I’m heading back in the office.”

Mike woke up with a stiff back and a headache. He tiredly got up to sitting and looked around. He felt his heart speed up when he couldn’t see Donna anywhere. She must have left while he was sleeping. He slumped back down. Oh no.

“You’re up. “ Harvey’s voice said next to him and Mike jerked a bit. Harvey was sitting across from him with his laptop.

“Yeah. When did Donna leave?”

“About twenty minutes ago.”

Harvey watched how Mike blinked a few times and nodded. He looked tired. He had just woken up after all and Harvey decided to just wait a bit with confronting him about Donna. He just couldn’t help but feel angry at Mike about what he had said to Donna.

Mike didn’t speak much and barely had anything to eat at dinner.

“You have to eat more.” Harvey had said but Mike had just shaken his head.

Harvey helped Mike get prepared for bed in silence. He thought about taking the conversation the next day instead because Mike did look kind of down. But then Mike asked him to get his phone from the living room and then when he got back with it he asked for a glass of water. A small flair of annoyance rose in Harvey then.

“You know Mike there is something I would like to discuss with you.” He said.

Mike didn’t look away from his phone that he clumsily held up with his hand that was in a cast. “Yeah, what?”

“Can you put that away?”

“Fine.” Mike looked up at him. He had his phone against his chest.

“I heard you had a talk with Donna today.” Harvey started and watched how Mike tensed and looked away.

“Yeah.” He whispered.

“So, you want to tell me about it?”

Mike shook his head. “Not really.”

“Well, you are going to anyway.”

Mike glared at him now. “Why should I? You have obviously already heard her side of the story so you won’t really care about mine.”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“Well, clearly you have chosen her side already, and I’m not surprised.”

“I wasn’t aware there were any sides to choose here. I’m just asking you to tell me what you said to her.”

Mike looked away. “And I’m not going to. Just let it go Harvey. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Too bad Mike because we are. From what I understand you basically blamed Donna for this happening to you!”

“What?! No I didn’t.”

“Tell me what you said then because you clearly upset her.”

“I don’t blame her.”

“You made her cry!”

“Look Harvey I just got a bit annoyed with her after she wouldn’t tell me about Rachel and I told her I heard that voicemail she left me. I don’t know why I did but it was hurtful and…”

“So you wanted to get back at her is that it? Frankly Mike I’m getting a bit tired of this.”

“Of what?”

“You taking out your anger or whatever on the people around you!”

“I’m not taking out my anger! Did you even hear that voicemail? Are you even listening to me? And I wasn’t angry either. I just wanted to know what she thought…”

“I’m not talking about only that and you know it.” Harvey said. “It’s the way you treat Rachel as well. Did you know I called her today and asked if she wanted to come and you know what she answered Mike? She said no. And Mike honestly I understand why she did.”

Mike felt himself flinch and draw a deep breath at those words. He didn’t know what Harvey wanted. Clearly he was mad about him upsetting Donna. Was this a way of punishing him for it? If it was it was working. Those words hurt in him. She hadn’t want to come?

But Harvey wasn’t finished. “So I ask Donna to come and sit with you instead and what do you do? You treat her like this? You think she wants to come back?”

Mike didn’t know what to answer. Clearly the answer must have to be no. Maybe Donna had told Harvey that and that was why he was so angry at him now. She wouldn’t want to help Harvey anymore so Harvey would have to deal with him on his own. He felt how his eyes started to burn and he refused to let Harvey see that he was upset.

“Are you done?” He asked. “If you are you can just leave, cause I’m done with this conversation.”

“Oh you’re done?”

“Yes I am. Just leave Harvey. Leave me alone!”

Harvey paused then and looked down on Mike. Mike wished that he wasn’t laying down, he felt at such a disadvantage like that. He really hoped Harvey would just leave because he couldn’t take more of this conversation. Luckily Harvey nodded shortly and then left the room without another word.

Mike was just laying there now. Harvey had called Rachel to come and she had said no? That couldn’t be right, could it? But it hadn’t looked like Harvey was lying to him. And why would he lie about that? She didn’t want to come. It hurt. It was his own fault of course. He had yelled at her so it wasn’t strange if she wouldn’t want to see him. But he had been in so much pain, she had to know he didn’t mean it right?

And what had he done next, accused Donna for causing him to be paralyzed? No, he hadn’t done that. Harvey was wrong. Sure he had maybe implied it, but he had apologized for it almost right away. But Donna had told Harvey and now the older man was mad at him. Mike bit his lip hard. Harvey was mad at him. Harvey had almost yelled at him. Harvey had taken Donna’s side immediately not even wanting to hear Mike out. Harvey didn’t care about some voicemail. It hadn’t been his intention to bring it up in the first place, it had just slipped out of him but it kind of had been the reason for all of this. Donna had meant what she said at the time but she hadn’t known. She had apologized too and Mike accepted it. But now? Donna didn’t want to see him again? And neither did Rachel. What had he done? He hadn’t meant to drive them away from him. And if they never wanted to come over again how would he then apologize? How would he make things right?

Why was this happening? He couldn’t deal with this as well. He had enough dealing with the fact that he couldn’t walk and would need help showering. And now he had ended up wit Harvey being mad at him and the other two people in his life not wanting to see him. And it was all his own fault. Why did he do this? Why couldn’t he handle things better?

What would happen now? What if Harvey didn’t want to deal with him anymore after this? He would be totally on his own. Tears came at that thought. He would be alone. No one would help or care about him. His greatest fear was starting to become a reality. He needed to get a grip. He needed accept that this had happened to him and that this would be his life now. He definitely needed to be more grateful towards Harvey, Rachel and Donna. If he could get them to forgive him that was. He fell asleep with that thought in mind.

- _SUITS_ -

Harvey was hesitant to go to Mike the next morning. He actually didn’t want to. He had been pissed at the kid the other night, but thought he had managed to handle it without yelling to much. But now it was still his job to go into the kid and ask if he wanted help. That was a bit twisted. He did it anyway.

Mike was asleep when he stepped into the room. For a moment Harvey didn’t know what to do but then he shook Mike’s shoulder a little. Mike jerked a bit and his eyes widened when he saw Harvey.

“Time to get up.” Harvey curtly said and stepped away a bit. Mike shook his head.

“No, I… I want to stay here.” He said hoarsely.

Harvey wouldn’t have it though. “No Mike let’s just do this now.”

“I want to stay a bit longer Harvey. You just woke me.”

“You know what, I don’t have time for this. It’s either now or not at all.”

Mike looked up at the older man. He was obviously still irritated at him. Mike’s heart hurt knowing that. He shook his head again.

“I want to stay.”

“Fine.” Harvey said and left without another word.

Two hours later had Mike regretting his earlier actions. Harvey hadn’t been by his room and he was getting really hungry. He refused to call out for the man though. He just couldn’t. If Harvey wanted to punish him by starving him so be it. But he was so bored as well. He had tried to get back to sleep but his back was kind of hurting.

He had his phone but it was hard to operate it with only his left hand and it was only three percent left. He had texted Rachel and to his joy she had answered that she would come over later that day.

He wondered what Harvey was doing? He hadn’t heard him leave at least. His phone died and it had been almost four hours now since Harvey woke him. He was in pain now and really hungry. The hunger and pain was not good for his mood. He was angry at Harvey. What was he doing? This was practically abuse, wasn’t it? Harvey was supposed to help him. Harvey had said that much, but apparently it only applied when Harvey felt like it. His anger soon transferred to sadness. Why wouldn’t he come back? What if Harvey left him here all day?

Mike jerked in surprise when his door suddenly opened. He felt so relieved. However it wasn’t Harvey who stood in the doorway, it was Donna.

“D-Donna.” He stuttered. “What… What are you doing here?”

She smiled and closed the door behind her. “I’m here to see you if course.”

He just stared at her.

“Harvey told you that I was going to come today right?”

“No, no he didn’t.” Mike felt how his eyes watered without his consent. “I thought… I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

He didn’t dare to look at her. What if she was there to tell him this was the last time she came. He didn’t know if he had the ability to change her mind at the moment. He felt all sorts of wrong.

“Oh sweetheart why on earth would you think that?” she sat down on his bed.

“Because of yesterday. I… I said… but I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Donna.”

She shook her head. “No Mike don’t. I’m sorry too. Let’s just forget about it sweetie. Mike, please don’t be sad.” She stroked his cheek. He nodded.

She smiled at him and leaned over to give him a hug. Mike weakly hugged her back as he tried to get himself together. It was just that it was hard since he felt so relieved. She forgave him. She came.

“What can I do to help Mike?” she asked.

He swallowed and then asked for some painkillers and something to eat.

“You haven’t eaten today? But it’s nearly lunchtime.”

Mike just shook his head and she left the room.

“Harvey!”

He looked up.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Donna asked him. She looked angry.

“You haven’t given him his painkillers or anything to eat?”

“I tried Donna but he wasn’t interested in getting up.”

“And when was that?”

“I don’t know. Around eight.”

“So, four hours ago. Again what are you doing? And you didn’t tell him that I was coming over today did you? He thought I wouldn’t. You had him thinking I was going to abandon him.”

“Look, I had a talk with him yesterday and then I just figured that he didn’t want to hang out with me after that.”

“You mean you didn’t want to be bothered with him.”

“I didn’t say that.”

She just looked at him. Harvey clenched his teeth.

“I should have made sure he got the painkillers.” He said.

“And breakfast!”

“Yes, that as well.”

“You need to take care of him, he needs you.”

“He can’t behave however he wants though.”

“Did I say that?”

“No, but he…”

“He needs our help.” She finished. “That’s what he needs. Let yesterday go Harvey. Mike needs to. Now get me his pills and I’ll make him something to eat.”

Harvey sighed as he watched how Donna went back into Mike’s room with a tray. Mike needed him she had said. He knew that was very much true. He would need to have another talk with Mike.

Donna left about two hours later and Harvey went over to Mike’s room. Rachel was coming over today so he wanted to talk to Mike before. Mike looked a bit better than this morning. Donna’s doing of course. He looked hesitant when Harvey came though.

“How are you doing?” Harvey asked.

“Okay. I guess.”

Harvey nodded a little and sat down. Mike didn’t say anything, just looked at him.

“Let’s just forget about yesterday.” Harvey said, repeating Donna’s word.

“Easy for you to say.” Mike responded and Harvey nodded.

“You know what I’m trying to say.”

“Yeah I know. Okay. Let’s try.” Mike said.

Harvey just nodded again. This was awkward. Finally Harvey patted Mike’s arm a bit and left the room.

“Call if you need anything.”

It wasn’t much of a talk, but it was something and it felt like he and Mike was okay again. He didn’t feel annoyed or anything at least.

Mike on his part felt relieved that Harvey had said that they would forget yesterday. He felt a bit more relaxed now. Maybe he wouldn’t have to worry so much. At least not about Harvey. What he started to worry about instead was the fact that Rachel was coming over soon.

It felt a bit stiff when she finally did. Mike had decided to pretend that he didn’t know about the fact that Rachel hadn’t wanted to come over earlier. It was just easier that way.

They talked for a bit but it felt almost a bit awkward. He had never felt that way with Rachel and he didn’t really know why he did now. There were some issues but he thought he would be able to get pass them, however he just wasn’t. Rachel somehow kept her distance too, literally as well. She wouldn’t sit next to him even though he asked her to. She said that she didn’t want to hurt him and practically ignored it when he said she wouldn’t.

Mike didn’t know where Harvey went but he was pretty sure that he had left. It was too bad because Harvey could have interrupted. They were just talking but somehow it ended in an argument. They talked a little about how he had been in pain and that his mess were being adjusted.

“Sometimes you don’t need to follow every single thing the doctors say.”

“But maybe you should follow it just a little bit more. They know what they are talking about since they have experience from what other people have been through.”

“You are talking about the center aren’t you.”

“Mike…”

“I’ve told you already that I won’t go there.”

“I actually didn’t mentioned it.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“You are not listening to me anyway.”

“You are the one not listening!”

“I just want what’s best for you Mike. And honestly I think you are a bit immature refusing to go.”

“Immature?”

“Yes, Mike. I’m really sorry this happened to you but you need to make the best of it…”

“What the hell do you mean the best of it? Do you think I’m just going to shrug if of when my life just changed forever?!”

“No, and Mike, it’s our lives and you made this decision without me. First you said you would go and then you didn’t.”

“It because I thought I didn’t have any other option, but Harvey offered and I said yes.”

“So what’s your plan then Mike? Just live here and have Harvey help you shower is that it?”

At this point and at those words from Rachel Mike felt himself blush with humiliation. How could she throw that in his face?

“Shut up!” He yelled. It just slipped out but he couldn’t have her talking about that. It reminded him of that he actually didn’t have a plan and it freaked him out. He wasn’t ready for that step yet. He didn’t know what Rachel was doing. She looked angry now, but she didn’t say anything so Mike did.

"Why are you even here then? Is it because you feel sorry for me or what?”

“No, Mike that’s not why.” She answered and she looked a bit surprised.

“What then?”

“Mike.. Why are you doing this? You know why I’m here.”

“Do I?”

“Because I care about you.”

Mike didn’t answer.

“Mike…” Rachel tried.

He didn’t care that her tone had gone soft.

“Well you didn’t care enough to be there for me just after I was hurt. You showed up, saw I was alive and then you just left with Harvey leaving me to deal with all of this alone.”

“Mike that’s not fair. You told me to go with Harvey and help with Donna’s case.”

“Yes I did. But I thought you would comeback! I needed you. You didn’t even call me to check up on me.”

Rachel looked close to tears now.

“I know that Mike. And I am sorry for doing that, but I’m here now. I want to help you.”

“But you can’t help me, can you?”

Rachel just looked at him and he probably should stop this, but he didn’t want to.

“What you really wanted for me was to send me away so you wouldn’t have to deal with me like this, isn’t that right?”

“No, I wanted you to get the best help and the best care, and you are not receiving it here. You know that Mike! And you know that I want to help you.”

“But you didn’t care about what I wanted. You can’t respect my wishes even now. You think I’ve made the wrong decision coming to live here.”

“Mike! Of course I do! You don’t get any help here. You will never get better if you stay here. If you stay here and act like you are now you will never make any progress!”

Her words cut into him deeper than he wanted them to. Partly because he knew that they probably were true. But he just couldn’t change his mind. Just thinking about going to that place made him want to actually cry. It filled him with fear. Because that was what it was. He was just scared of going to that place. But now Rachel was throwing another fear right in his face. That this, what he had here now would be all, that it would be his life now.

“Just get out. Just leave Rachel.” He said as calmly as he could. He didn’t want to say anything that would make it even worse between them.

“Fine. If that’s what you want.” Then she was gone before he could respond and all he could do was just sit there. Great.

Harvey came about thirty minutes later. He studied Mike closely for a moment but didn’t say anything. Mike was grateful for that. He didn’t want to talk right now. He wished he could forget. He wished that the conversation he just had with Rachel wasn’t edged in his mind forever. He didn’t know what was happening with the two of them. He didn’t want to think about it. Harvey managed to get him on other thoughts when he suggested they watch a movie.

Harvey saw on Mike that something had happened. Later that night when he lifted Mike over to his bed and started to help him with changing his clothes he thought of saying something. Donna would have told him to ask Mike what was wrong, but he didn’t do it. Mike looked sad and a bit lost in thought. Harvey thought that maybe him asking would just make it worse for the kid. Later when he said goodnight and Mike just sadly looked at him he regretted it. He was about to turn back and ask but Mike had already closed his eyes.

What Harvey didn’t know was that it was because Mike wanted him to leave faster. Today had been a really bad day. It was the whole thing with Rachel that bothered him the most. He didn’t know what to do about it. He both felt remorseful but at the same time angry at her. What was happening between them? In some ways he almost felt like he didn’t know her anymore. He hadn’t expected her to act like this.

But maybe it was just all his fault and it was his own behavior that was the problem. She had called him immature and maybe he was. He was a coward that was what he was. He wouldn’t deal with this just because he was afraid. And maybe Rachel was right about that he wouldn’t make any progress as long as he stayed with Harvey like this. But he didn’t want to go!

He yet again thought back on his time in that alley. It really haunted him. He replayed the moment when he got hit, felt the pain again, the fear and what was worst, the feeling of being discarded next to that dumpster. And what if Joe had been able to lift him up and into it. He felt so damn humiliated when he thought about it. And after that he had just been laying there like trash on the ground unable to do anything to help himself. Just like now. He couldn’t do anything to get the thoughts out of his head. The thought that he was just like trash now. Something to just get rid of.

Harvey must have known something was wrong. They had barely spoken and Mike hadn’t been able to fake that he was okay, but still Harvey didn’t say anything. He probably didn’t want to hear it anyway. Maybe he regretted bringing him here. Maybe he didn’t want to do this anymore. Mike didn’t think that Harvey would say anything because Mike saw him as a man who kept his word, but maybe he wanted Mike gone. It was the whole thing with Donna as well. Harvey had said that they would forget about it, but now it didn’t seem like Harvey had. Mike just felt bad about it. Everyone was mad at him now. And he couldn’t do anything about it because he was stuck in bed now until the next morning when Harvey came again. He dug his nails into his leg as an intense longing of getting out of bed came over him. He wanted to go and find Harvey and ask him straight out if he wanted Mike gone or not. But he couldn’t do a thing. He was totally helpless. The only thing he could do was to call for Harvey but he wasn’t going to do that. He wished he could talk to Rachel about the whole thing and that things were as before between them, but that wasn’t happening either. And it was all his fault.

- _SUITS_ -


	9. Chapter 9

“Did you sleep okay?” Harvey surprised Mike by asking the next morning. He panicked because he didn’t know what to say. He had slept terribly. Or had barely slept in between nightmares about alleys and crowbars.

He shrugged and Harvey dragged him upright. He helped as much as he could as Harvey turned him to sit on the edge of the bed. He wasn’t really able to do it without it hurting quite a lot. But he was sure that once he had the use both of his arms he would be able to do it himself.

“Mike, did you and Rachel have a fight? I just called her but she didn’t think it was a good idea to come over.” Harvey asked Mike when they were at the breakfast table. He saw how the kid got stiff and his face hardened. What was going on here? He was about to try and get it out of Mike but the response he got made him change his mind.

Mike felt himself tense at the question and clenched his jaw even though it hurt a bit.

“It’s none of your business.” He found himself saying. He didn’t want to talk about this now, even before breakfast. But now his morning was spoiled.

Harvey rolled his eyes at him. “Look Mike I get that this is hard for you and all, but it would be great if you could just…”

“Just what?” Mike angrily interrupted.

Harvey had to stop himself from blurting out what he had on his mind. Instead he took a deep breath before answering.

“Think over your behavior.”

It was Mike’s turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, shut up!” he said almost surprising himself.

Harvey clenched his teeth together. What the hell was his problem? He was just trying to help the younger man and now he was being told to shut up. But he hadn’t even had coffee yet and he didn’t want this to get out of hand.

“Look Mike! I get that you are angry, but you need to stop taking it out on the people around you!”

“I don’t do that! I’m not angry!”

“You yelling at me says otherwise.” Harvey responded.

Mike didn’t answer just glared at him. They were both quiet for a while until Mike muttered.

“I wasn’t yelling.”

Harvey shook his head a little.

“Look, are you okay with being here alone a couple of hours then? I need to head over to the office and Donna can’t come either today.”

“Fine.” Mike muttered again.

“It would be great you know, if you didn’t piss everyone around you off.”

Mike stared down into the table. “I’ll try that.” He forced out. His eyes were burning. This day was going to suck too. He managed to force it away though.

He opted for staying in the wheelchair while Harvey was gone opposed to staying on the couch. Sure his back would start to hurt faster in it, but at least he would be able to move around somewhat. He felt like a little kid though when he sat in it on the middle of the floor watching Harvey get ready and then leave. He wished he could come with him.

Harvey wasn’t all that comfortable with leaving Mike alone like this. But it was just for a few hours. He had a meeting soon and he needed to prepare for it a bit. Then he would be back with Mike. But leaving like that in his wheelchair felt wrong.

Mike stared towards the door for a while before he decided that he needed to keep himself busy if he was going to get through these few hours without freaking out. He decided to practice getting around with the wheelchair. He had the one good and functioning arm, it should be enough with that one.

He spent almost two hours rolling around in the condo. It was hard at first. Before he had ever used one himself he had always thought it looked easy, but one handedly it wasn’t. Maybe it was the kind of chair he had that was the problem. He was only borrowing it from the hospital until he could get his own one. The one he had was old and a bit slow he figured. Eventually he got pretty good at maneuvering it around, although he wasn’t that fast. The important thing was that it was working. He was able to get around somewhat and that felt great.

He got a little tired afterwards and looked longingly at the couch. He felt a bit down when he turned on the TV. He didn’t really find anything that caught his attention but didn’t want to turn it off. It would be so quiet. He didn’t want to look down on his legs. This sucked so much. He took out his phone and opened a few apps. Nothing to do there either. He didn’t care about the news at this point either. Before this he had tried to keep himself updated but now it didn’t seem to matter. It wasn’t much that mattered.

He took out Rachel’s number. He should call her, maybe to apologize. He pressed the button. Two signals turned to three and then four. Her voicemail. He clicked it away without saying anything. He tried an hour later with the same result.

Things got better when Harvey got back home. They talked some and Mike kept Harvey company as the older man cooked them dinner. Harvey surprised him by making a rather tasty soup.

“You will be able to eat more solid food soon though?” Harvey asked.

“Yeah I think so. Maybe next week.”

“We’ll check with your doctor.”

Rachel didn’t call him back that day or answered when Mike called her the third time. He sent her a text saying that he was sorry and that he wanted to talk to her.

She didn’t show up or get in touch the next day either. Donna came over for a while when Harvey was at the office. She only stayed for lunch though, after that she had to go back. She said that she hadn’t spoken with Rachel and Mike believed her.

“Did you have a fight?” Donna carefully asked him.

“Yeah kind of, I think that was what it was. I think she is pissed at me at least. I was a bit rude to her.”

“Do you know why Mike?”

“Yes, I do. She… Or I don’t agree with her on certain things or rather she doesn’t like my decisions.”

“What decisions would that be?”

“I think you know.”

“The center.” Donna said.

“Yes.”

“Well, did you explain it to her?”

“I think I have made myself clear.”

Donna nodded. “No one can tell you what to do Mike, but you should maybe listen a bit more to Rachel.”

Mike got annoyed by that. “It’s her that should listen a bit more to me!” He said.

“That too. I hope you can work it out Mike.”

Rachel didn’t come by the next day either, and besides a trip to the hospital and another humiliating shower nothing special happened that day. That evening Mike was in a bad mood. He tried to not take it out on Harvey but wasn’t that successful. They argued a bit and Harvey asked if he just didn’t want to go to his room and calm down a bit. Mike grumpily agreed, so Harvey helped him over to the bed.

“Call if you need anything.” Harvey left without looking at him. Mike laid back and stared up into the ceiling. He felt weird. A bit anxious too. He wanted to get up again, but Harvey would probably be annoyed with him if he called him back right away. He better just stay here for a while. He called Rachel again. This time she actually picked up the phone.

“ _Hi Mike._ ”

“Rachel. How are you?”

“ _I’m doing good Mike. How are you?_ ”

He didn’t know what to answer. She sounded all normal. “Okay.” He said when he really just wanted to ask her why she hadn’t come over or why she hadn’t picked up his calls.

“ _That’s good._ ” She said. ” _Listen Mike…_ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _I should have called you back earlier I was just…_ ”

“Yeah…” He said. “Just what?”

“ _I…I went to see my parents._ ”

“Okay.” He didn’t know why it hurt to hear about that. He wished she hadn’t told him.

She was quiet for a while and so was he. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to talk about her parents, but now she probably expected him to ask about them. He refused.

“ _I’m at work._ ” She said then.

“Oh, so I’m bothering you then?”

He heard her sigh. Damn it.

“I’ll talk to you some other time then. Bye Rachel.” He heard her protest but he hang up anyway. He ignored her call when she called him. When she called a second time he turned his phone off. He felt angry and sad now. Everything was just changed. He wanted to get out of here. He wanted a distraction, and that was now. He suddenly felt trapped when he couldn’t get what he wanted without having to call for Harvey. Harvey had been upset with him and now Mike wanted to leave.

- _SUITS_ -

"Harvey? Can you help me to the wheelchair?" Mike called from his bedroom. Harvey didn’t tear his eyes away from the file he was reading. He had left Mike there about thirty minutes ago and now he didn’t want to stay there? Whatever happened with calming down?

“Yeah. I’m coming.” He still said. Mike could wait a few minutes though, he was just going to finish reading.

Mike waited a minute. Then two. Harvey still wasn’t there and he really wanted to get out of this room. Now!

“Harvey? Are you coming or what?” He called and sat himself up. The wheelchair was right there, next to the bed. Maybe…

 ”Mike wait one minute. I’m in the middle of something.” Harvey called from the living room. Mike lost it a tiny bit. No! He didn’t want to wait another minute.

”No! Get me out of it now!” Mike found himself yelling. He didn’t know what was happening or why he had this reaction. He just wanted out of the bed right this instant. Harvey didn’t seem like he was in a rush to help him so he just decided to try himself. He still had one good arm. It might work.

It didn’t.

He heard Harvey calling something as he started to heave himself out of the bed. The chair started to roll away since he hadn’t locked it in place. He felt himself fall and ended up helplessly sliding down the chair. He hit the ground pretty hard. It wasn’t that bad of a fall, however he wasn’t able to slow his fall that much with his arms, so he managed to smack the back of his head into the footrest of the wheelchair and then the floor.

Harvey was on his knees next to him in the time it took him to realize what had happened.

“What the hell were you thinking? Are you stupid? You needed to wait one minute Mike.”

Harvey was yelling at him as his hands traveled along Mike’s body. He then shook his head a little and calmed down.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Harvey looked down on his associate. He looked confused. His mouth opened and closed again and Harvey’s worry increased a bit.

“I just… I just didn’t want to be there anymore.” He said sheepishly.

“And what on earth made you think you could manage it by yourself?” Harvey asked. Too late he realized that it wasn’t the best question to ask. He could see the impact his words had on Mike. He made an attempt to hide his emotions but wasn’t all that successful, and since he had nowhere to go he just hid his face behind his hand. He pressed his lips together and Harvey saw that they trembled. Shit.

“Did you hurt yourself Mike?” He asked gently.

Mike shook his head a little and let out a shaky breath.

“Can you leave a bit?” He asked then and Harvey kind of wanted to punch himself. He could have avoided this. 

“I don’t want to leave you on the floor like this.” He said.

“But I want you to. I want to be alone.”

Mike tried to keep his voice steady but wasn’t that successful. He hated himself for it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. He just waited with his hand hard pressed over his eyes. Luckily he heard Harvey get up.

“Ehm… just call me when you are ready to get up then.” He said and Mike heard how he closed the door behind him. He let himself relax then and the tears came. He found himself laying there on the floor sobbing soundlessly. He didn’t want Harvey to hear him and think he was totally pathetic.

He felt totally pathetic as well as angry at himself. Why couldn’t he have waited? Harvey was right, how could he have thought that he would manage. He couldn’t do shit by himself. Laying like this on the floor did nothing to help him feel any better about anything. A couple of minutes he laid there trying to get a hold of himself. When he finally stopped the stupid sobbing he had to wait a couple of more minutes to make sure he wouldn’t start it up again. Then he called for Harvey.

Harvey jerked when he heard Mike call for him. He had been standing next to the closed door lost in thoughts. He had felt guilty and felt so sorry for the kid that he hadn’t been able to make himself go anywhere. Mike was just where he had left him now and Harvey moved the wheelchair to the side to be able to get to him easier.

“I’m sorry kid.” He said. “Let’s get you off the floor now, okay?”

Mike nodded a little as Harvey sank down next to him.

“You sure you aren’t hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m just going to pull you up then.”

Harvey put an arm under Mike and pulled him up to sitting. They were close and on impulse Mike wrapped both his arms around Harvey and clang to him in a hug. He surprised both Harvey and himself. After a couple of seconds Harvey hugged him back though. Then Mike realized what he was doing. He should let go immediately but somehow he didn’t. He just needed to hold on for a little while longer. He just wanted the comfort for just a few seconds. He felt his eyes tear up again and he right away felt embarrassed and let go. Harvey let him go as well and Mike quickly wiped his eyes. With a little luck Harvey didn’t notice, but he probably did so Mike avoided eye contact just to be sure.

“It’s okay.” Harvey whispered, but Mike didn’t feel okay at all. He still nodded.

“You ready to do this?”

Mike nodded again. Harvey got him up in the wheelchair and then drove him into the living room.

“Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know.” Mike said.

“You were very persistent a moment ago.”

Mike shrugged. “I wanted to get out of bed. I…” He stopped but Harvey wanted to hear the rest.

“You what?”

“I felt trapped.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t what he had expected to hear. He had thought that Mike really needed to go to the bathroom or something but now Mike was saying that he had felt trapped. In his bed. He didn’t know what to answer to that.

“Well, do you feel better now?” He asked. Mike looked up at him. He looked annoyed.

“What about that do you think might have made me feel better?” He snapped and looked away. He slowly started to roll away in the direction of the windows. Harvey didn’t say anything instead he went and sat down at the table again. He watched how Mike made his way over to the window, not stopping until he banged his feet against it. He then sat there with his back against Harvey.

Harvey tried to go back to work but it was hard with Mike’s silent figure in front of him.

“You want to go outside?” He asked on an impulse. He thought back on the hug Mike had given him. The younger man had held on hard, almost desperate and Harvey had gotten the feeling that Mike hadn’t wanted to let him go.

“Like for a walk?” Mike turned to look at him.

“No, I meant out on the balcony. I got to finish this.”

“Oh.” Mike said now and looked out again. “I might as well sit here then.”

“I thought we could sit out there, both of us.” Harvey said.

“Okay then.”

So Harvey placed them outside by a table. Mike looked at the view and Harvey worked. They both sat in silence, but Harvey got the feeling that he had helped a little bit. He looked at Mike where he was sitting. The bruises on his face from the assault had faded away by now. His jaw hadn’t healed fully yet and the diet of only liquid food had made him lost weight, he looked skinnier. He still had the cast on his right arm though, and of course it was the wheelchair. At the hospital they had been told to book a meeting to get Mike his own wheelchair that would meet all his needs. Harvey was going to look into it tomorrow.

The younger man looked tired where he sat. There was something about his appearance that hadn’t been there before the incident. There was something that was missing in Mike now, the determination or that spark he had to get the job done it wasn’t there anymore. Mike was wearing a hoodie that he had pulled up over his head. It made him look younger. He looked like a broken, lost boy, sitting there looking out towards the city. Harvey yet again felt sympathy for the other man flow inside of him. He needed to do more for Mike.

“Hey, kid.” He said quietly and waited until Mike looked at him. “You know things are going to be alright again right?”

Mike looked at him for a long time, but then looked out over the roofs again. “Thanks Harvey.” Was all he said.

- _SUITS_ -

Mike woke up early the next morning. He laid awake waiting for Harvey to come. He felt like a kid on his birthday or something when you weren’t allowed to get out of bed before they came to sing you happy birthday. That was what his parents had done. Except his situation now was as far away from that as he could get. He was laying waiting on his boss to help him up and to the bathroom. His boss of all people. Harvey really must have lost all respect he had had for him by this point. He had seen Mike in such a humiliating situations that it would be strange otherwise. He had made a fool of himself a lot of times as well. Take yesterday for one.

It kind of felt like things were just getting worse for him. At least emotionally. He had trouble seeing how things would light up from now on. Most of the time he felt either sad or angry now. Mostly angry. It felt like it was just building up and eventually he would just burst. He was afraid of that. He was afraid that he would make things worse for himself.

Harvey went to the office later that day leaving Mike by himself again. He had chosen to stay in the wheelchair again and had parked it next to the couch.

"Mike? Are you here?”

It was Rachel’s voice from the door. Mike jerked a bit in surprise. He hadn’t known that she was coming over.

“In here!” he called feeling happy about her arrival.

However she didn’t look happy at all when she stepped into the living room. “Hi.” She said and smiled hesitantly as she sat down in front of him.

“Hi Rachel.”

“How are you feeling? I heard about yesterday.”

Mike shrugged.

“How are you?” He asked instead. “I haven’t seen you in a while. Much at work?”

“Yes, sorry about that.” She looked so nervous that he smiled.

“I’m doing okay Rachel. It’s okay.”

She nodded, but still looked sad.

“I promise I’m fine. I didn’t hurt myself. How did you even know about that by the way?” But he realized at the same time as she answered.

“Donna.”

They smiled a bit at each other and it made Mike feel a bit relieved. But Rachel soon stopped smiling. She was biting her lip and Mike waited to see what she had to say.

“Mike, I wanted to talk to you about something important.” She started and he saw that she swallowed hard. What was going on?

“I haven’t been to see you in a while now, because I needed to think some things through.”

“Okay…” Mike said.

Rachel took a deep breath. “This is very hard for me.” She said.

“Rachel, what is it? Just tell me.” He reached out to take her hand, but she didn’t react.

“I been thinking a lot Mike.” She breathed out.

“About what?” He didn’t know if he liked where this conversion was going.

“I’ve been thinking and I think that it would be best for both of us right now if we took a break.”

Mike shook his head a little. “A break? What do you mean a break?”

“A break from us.” Rachel said carefully.

Mike stared at her. “What do you mean?” He asked again.

“I want to take a break Mike.” She said and this time her eyes were a bit shiny.

“Are you serious? You want to take a break from me? Now?”

She nodded.

“Why?!” He exclaimed feeling his heart start to beat faster.

“Like I said Mike, I just think it’s the best for both of us. It’s not you Mike. It’s me. I just…I can’t give you what you need right now. I’m sorry. I just need a break. Just until things cool down for a bit. Just until you know…”

“Until I what? Until I can walk again? Let me tell you something Rachel, that will never happen!” He was starting to feel desperate. This couldn’t be happening!

“No, not until you can walk again, no Mike. Just until you have figured this out a bit more.”

“I won’t be able to figure this out. I’m permanently paralyzed Rachel!”

“I mean until you have figured out how to deal with your injury.”

“And what? You think this is going to help me? You leaving me when I need you the most.”

“Oh Mike, please don’t say that. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s the truth!” He almost screamed now. He couldn’t believe her!

“But Mike you don’t let me help you. You push me away when I try. You don’t want my help.”

“Yes I do!” He screamed at her.

“I’m sorry.” She said. She had tears in her eyes now.

“I can’t believe that you will sink this low to leave me when something like this happens to me! You are throwing me away because I’m going through something difficult!”

“Mike…”

He didn’t let her speak.

“Or are you throwing me away because _I_ am different now?! Because I’m in a wheelchair?”

She shook her head. “No, Mike. Of course not. That’s not fair. “

“What do you want then? To wait until the worst is over and then you will take me back? Is that what you want?”

“No, Mike. No it’s not like that.” She was crying now, but he didn’t care at all.

“How is it then?”

“It’s just that you are so different now. I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to talk to you without it ending in an argument. I don’t know what to do Mike. I’m sorry.”

“Oh you are sorry?!” He laughed forcefully. “I can’t believe you are serious right now.”

“Things are just so different…”

“I’m struggling to accept my new situation!” He yelled at her.

“I know. I’m so sorry Mike. I just… I just can’t. This will be better.” She wiped her eyes and stood up suddenly.

“Rachel…No…” He had to stop her. “Come on, wait. Let’s talk about this. Please.” He stopped screaming.

She hesitantly sat down again.

“What are you talking about?” Mike asked trying to get himself to calm down. “Please just tell me. I can fix it, I can…”

“Please Mike, I know what I’m doing. I know I’m hurting you. And I am so sorry about that. But I just can’t take care of you. I can’t deal with this. It’s me, not you.”

“You don’t have to take care of me. You don’t have to! I never asked you to. I never will.”

“I know Mike, but I just can’t. I just feel like if our relationship is going to work we need to take a break.”

“But I don’t want to take a break Rachel! Screw that! We’ll work it out. You just have to give me a little more time to adjust to this. Just give me time, and I’ll figure it out. I will get my shit together and I will fix it. I will learn how to deal with it. I will! Just… just don’t do this!”

“I’m sorry Mike. I’ve been thinking and this is just not going to work like this, you have to see that too. We haven’t really been like we used to ever since it happened, and I’m so sorry about how it turned out.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

“But just give me more time Rachel!” He begged, tears in his eyes as well now. “You have to give me time. Don’t throw what we have away just because of this! Think about what you are doing Rachel, please!”

“Mike, I just can’t. I’m sorry. This has to do with me, not you.”

It just got a bit too much for him then. What was she doing?

“I’m very much involved though, aren’t I?! I can’t believe you are doing this to me! I never thought you could do something like this!”

“I’m not…” She started. “This is really hard for me too Mike.”

Mike just shook his head at her.

“I don’t believe you! You can’t do this!” he yelled. “You can’t!”

“I’m sorry.” She sobbed and shook her head. “I have to go.” She started to walk towards the door.

“No, Rachel wait! Come back!” He screamed after her. ”Rachel!” He tried to maneuver the chair to turn it around, but failed and hit the coffee table. He cursed loudly and tried again. This time he succeeded and rolled out on the floor. That was when he heard the front door close.

She had left.

He managed to get the chair through the corridor to the door and pushed it opened and watched the empty hallway with despair inside him. She was gone. He stilled called for her, without getting a reply.

He didn’t know how long he sat there staring after her. A tiny part of him hoped that she would change her mind and come back. But she didn’t.

Eventually he slowly closed the door again and jerkily rolled back to the living room again. He couldn’t believe what just happened. Rachel didn’t want anything to do with him. She left him.

She had said that he was different, that he didn’t accept her help. Was that true? He didn’t know. He thought back at the time in the hospital. Maybe she was right. He had been a bit short with her. But that was just because he couldn’t really get over her initial reaction when he told her about his injury. Maybe this had been the beginning of the drift that had formed between them, in him. She had left then as well. Why would she do that? He couldn’t understand. He would never leave her like this, even if she pushed him away. He would never.

He just sat there staring at nothing, thinking. Maybe he was in shock. He barely reacted when Harvey got home. He didn’t even answer when Harvey spoke to him. He just didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to deal with this. It was so much, on top of everything else that was going on in his mind.

- _SUITS-_

Harvey was standing next to Mike. What was going on with the kid? He was just sitting there staring at the wall. He hadn’t said a word. Was he in some sort of pain? Or worse had the paralysis spread?

Eh, no. That was stupid and impossible. But what was wrong then?

He carefully shook Mike’s shoulder and called his name again.

Mike jerked a little and looked up at him when he was touched.

“Harvey.” He said.

“Yes, hi Mike. How are you doing? You don’t look so good.”

“I…” Mike swallowed. What should he say? He closed his mouth again.

“Mike what is it? Talk to me?” Harvey sat down on the edge of the couch, close to the kid.

“It just that…Harvey I don’t know what…” Mike swallowed hard and he was breathing heavily. Harvey felt so worried for him that he wanted to reach out and touch the kid, just to reassure him. He didn’t do that though. He just waited for Mike to continue. Now Mike was biting his lip.

“Rachel came to see me today.” He said.

“Alright. That’s nice.” Harvey said.

“No. Actually it wasn’t. It’s over Harvey.” He stared at the floor.

“What are you talking about? Over? Are you serious? What happened?”

Mike didn’t answer he was staring at the same spot at the floor, his body tense.

“I was so happy to see her, but she was all nervous and upset. I tried to calm her down. I thought she was worried about me. I kept telling her I was okay. But then she…” he paused again.

“She said it wasn’t me, that it was her. She said that she can’t give me what I need, that she can’t take care of me. I said she didn’t have to. I kept asking her to just give me time to adjust and learn how to deal with all of this. But she didn’t listen. She had made up her mind.”

He paused and looked a bit at Harvey.

“I don’t know what to say Mike.” He said.

“I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I kept…begging her. Just to give me more time. To think this through. To not throw this away just because of this. But she said she couldn’t, Harvey!”

Mike looked up at him now, he had something wild in his eyes. Harvey just nodded.

“It just got worse after that. I got angry. I asked her how she could do this to me? Asked how she could sink that low to leave me when something like this happened to me. I yelled. She started crying, saying that it’s not easy for her.”

Harvey shook his head.

“I yelled some more and then she…she left. She left and I couldn’t follow her!”

“So she ended your relationship just like that?” Harvey asked.

“She never used those words, she said she wanted a break. But how can I be with her after this? She abandons me when I need her the most.” Mike’s previously angry voice shook now.

“When I really need her she won’t be here for me. Why is she doing this?”

Mike looked at him now. Harvey understood that it was a genuine question. Mike wanted him to answer.

“I don’t know Mike.” He said. Because he didn’t know how Rachel could do this. Betray Mike like that. Bail as soon as things got tough. He really hadn’t thought that of her. He looked at Mike, feeling helpless. The other man didn’t pay much attention to him though, he was breathing heavily.

“I want to be mad at her. I want to hate her Harvey. I want to hate her for doing this.” Mike’s lip quivered now, his eyes had gotten shiny.

“But…” he said. “But I kind of understand her. She would have to take care of me. There are things that I would need help with. Right now it’s basically everything. I can’t do shit anymore. I need help getting dressed for God’s sake, going to the bathroom...”

“Mike it’s not…” Harvey started to say but was interrupted.

“We would have to make all these changes. We would have to move, adjust everything for me. Everything has to suit me now, not us. Me. So I kind of get it. I ruined us! Everything!”

“Okay, let me stop you right there. First of all you didn’t ruin shit! You were attacked. You have no fault in this. Do you hear me?”

Mike looked at him with clenched teeth but didn’t answer. Harvey continued.

“And if she really loved you she wouldn’t care about any of that.”

He regretted it though when he saw Mike’s expression and the way he jerked. Mike opened and closed his mouth as he stared wide eyed at Harvey.

Mike tried to control himself. Harvey’s words bore into him and they twisted around in him and hurt. She didn’t love him? Was Harvey right? No, she loved him. She did. She was just struggling with all of this. But so was he. And he would never have done to her what she had just done to him. She had actually left him. Left him at a really difficult time for him. She just gave up her part of the struggle just like that and walked away. But he needed her. Wanted her. But because of his new disability she didn’t want him anymore?

He didn’t want to think about that. It couldn’t be true. She loved him. She would change her mind. He had to work hard and show her that it wouldn’t be that different. He would just be sitting down a lot more. That wasn’t so bad, right?

But could he forgive her for this? That was another matter. How could she do this? He couldn’t let that go. He was breathing deeply. Harvey said something. His name maybe.

She had left him. He was alone now. What did he have now? Work? But would they want him now? And would he get the same treatment as before when he was bound to a wheelchair. He doubted it. Without Rachel all he had was his job, and he was a fraud. Nothing else. His life was falling apart. He noticed that he had tears in his eyes. He also noticed that Harvey was still there.

Harvey. Harvey was there. He hadn’t left. Sure they were in Harvey’s apartment, but still. Harvey wouldn’t leave him right?

“You won’t ditch me right?” He had to ask.  His voice broke and he felt ashamed as he looked into Harvey’s sad eyes.

Harvey just slowly shook his head. He had been saying Mike’s name three times by now and this was what he got?

“You are my guy Mike. You know that. Through all the shit that comes at us.” He said.

Mike nodded. “Thanks.”

“You with me now?” Harvey asked and Mike nodded again. He stared out into the room obviously yet again sinking deep down into his own thoughts. He didn’t react when Harvey spoke to him now. It made him worried. Harvey even apologized then but Mike didn’t react. He tried again.

“I’m sorry for saying what I said Mike.”

“No it’s okay. You’re right.” Mike whispered the last words.

“I don’t know about that Mike, but I’m not going to pretend that I’m okay with what she did.”

“I’m not okay with either!”

“I know.”

“I’m not okay with it at all.”

Harvey nodded and awkwardly patted Mike’s shoulder a bit. “I’m sorry.” He said again. This time meaning something else.

“Yeah… I guess I shouldn’t blame her too much though. Who wants a guy in a wheelchair anyway?”

“Don’t talk shit Mike. I’ve told you that that chair doesn’t define you.”

“And next you will say that any girl will be lucky to have me, aren’t you?”

“Actually I wasn’t.”

Mike just shook his head and smiled. Harvey had actually managed to make him feel better. It was still devastating and he knew it would hit him hard soon again, but for now he was fine.

“You want something to eat?” Harvey asked next.

“Yeah okay.” Mike shakily answered. “But you know, everything can’t be solved with food Harvey.”

“We’ll see Mike.” Harvey answered.

- _SUITS-_


	10. Chapter 10

It was only later that night that what had happened that day really started to hit Mike. Harvey was helping him over to the bed and placed the cover over him. Mike was looking up at him in silence but when their eyes met Harvey smiled a little at him. Mike let out a deep breath then and seemed to relax a little, as if he had been waiting for some sort of sign.

“Do you think that you could stay here for a while?” Mike asked then. Now when it was getting late and he was facing the prospect of being left alone with only his own thoughts as company, he felt like he was going to break apart if Harvey left. He might still do it but he just didn’t want to be alone at this moment.

“Sure I can.” Harvey said and sat down on the edge of Mike’s bed.

They looked at each other for some time.

“She left.” Mike said then. “Harvey, she left me.”

“I know kid. I’m sorry.”

Mike felt how his eyes started to burn, and he tried to fight it, but wasn’t sure if it was going to work.

“I can’t believe she actually did it.”

Harvey nodded.

“I love her.” Mike whispered next. “But she doesn’t want me anymore.”

Harvey put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t think anything he said would do much of a difference at this point for Mike.

“I screwed up Harvey.” He let out a deep breath and tried to keep his voice steady.

“She said it was her not me, but that’s not true. I screwed it up. I shouldn’t have…” There were so much he shouldn’t have done and said. Or maybe things he should have done.

“The center.” He said.

“What?” Harvey asked. He still had his hand on Mike’s shoulder.

“I should have just done what she wanted and I should have gone to that center. That’s what she wanted. I should have done it. I think that’s what started this, when I didn’t go there.”

“But Mike, you didn’t want to go.”

“Yeah I know, but I should have just done it anyway. I’m such a coward.”

“Come on…”

“I am. I didn’t go because I was scared that I would be alone and look what happened!”

“Mike…”

“Harvey, do you think that maybe if I just go there now she will… you know, take it back?”

“I don’t know Mike. I don’t know if that’s the right way to go.”

“But what should I do then? I don’t want to lose her. It’s all my fault…I need to fix it!”

He lost it a little here. The tears flooded over and it was nothing he could do about it. “It’s my fault.” He whispered again.

“No it’s not.” Harvey said. “It’s not.”

Mike didn’t say anything else after that. He hid his face behind his arm and Harvey stayed with him. He just sat there offering comfort in form of his silent company. He hoped that was enough for Mike, because he couldn’t find any words that would help.

Mike fell asleep after an hour or so. Harvey thought it painful sitting there next to his young associate as he tried to hide the fact that he was crying for the loss he had suffered today. It wasn’t fair. Mike didn’t deserve this at all. How Rachel could do this to Mike was beyond Harvey’s understanding. It really was to kick him when he was already down, and Mike was deep down. He wondered what this would do to Mike, how he would handle it. Mike’s reaction for now was to blame himself. He thought he had screwed up. Harvey had even implied it himself at an earlier point. It was true that Mike had taken out his anger and frustration on the people around him, and Rachel had received a lot of it, but it was still hard to understand her actions. Sure she must have had her reasons, but to Harvey it was hard to understand.

He had stayed with Mike until he fell asleep. He didn’t look relaxed at all even though he was clearly asleep. But since it wasn’t a lot more Harvey could do for him right now he left the room for his own bed. He couldn’t imagine how Mike must be feeling right now. Not only had he practically lost all his independence, today he had also lost the person he love the most. That must cut deep in the kid. Harvey had trouble falling asleep that night.

Mike on his part had trouble staying asleep. He woke up in panic around three in the morning. He had been dreaming again. He tried to sit up but just fell back down again. He moaned out loud and felt all sweaty. He was breathing too hard as well. It felt like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t know what to do? He was afraid. It scared him and he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the warnings he had received at the hospital about breathing difficulties. Was that what this was? He tried to draw deep breaths but they came out all panicky. He wished it would end. He wished that someone would come and help him. He wanted help. He wished for Rachel. He wished that she still wanted him.

He started crying at the thought of her and the enormous void she had left in him. There was like something had been ripped away from him and he didn’t think he would ever get it back. But it wasn’t just that he was missing her. It was also a disappointment about her actions and the fact that she had really hurt him when she had done them. This was just the most recent defeat for him, just the next step in his decline. He wondered if he could sink lower than this. Probably. It felt like it. It felt like he never would feel better again. He would never be happy again. He had been happy before all of this. His life had never been better, but now? He couldn’t get out of bed by himself. He wanted to get out now. He wanted to leave. He wanted help.

He didn’t know how long he lay like that, in misery, but eventually he could breathe a bit better again. The worst was over and he had some control over himself again. He made an attempt to get on his side, but his legs wouldn’t let him. He could only turn half way and then he was stopped. He still stayed like that. He couldn’t help but cry when the feeling of uselessness overwhelmed him. He couldn’t even turn like he wanted in bed! A sort of desperation gripped him and cried harder. He wanted to call for Harvey to come and just help him. He needed help!

But he just laid there and cried. It just felt awful. He loathed himself for it. He could not stop thinking about the mistakes that he had made in the past few weeks that had led him to this situation. It went from making the decision to use the information from Donna he got in the case, to the ally the hospital, the center and finally Rachel. He felt useless, like he was nothing anymore.

- _SUITS-_

Harvey jerked awake the next morning. He groggily sat up and looked around. He had had a nightmare. It wasn’t often that happened to him, but this dream had been bad. Mike had been in it.

Harvey flashed back to the day Mike had fallen out of bed and had asked to be left on the floor. When Harvey had gotten back to him his eyes had been red from crying. Then Mike had hugged him. They barely ever did that but Mike had held on to him like Harvey was all he ever had in this life. And now maybe that was true. Rachel broke up with Mike yesterday.

Mike had already been at the lowest Harvey had seen him and then she did this. He couldn’t help but recent her for that. Sure she must have her reasons but Harvey certainly couldn’t understand them. Sure Mike had been a bit difficult to deal with lately, but Harvey couldn’t blame him for it. Neither should Rachel. He wondered how Mike would deal with all of this.

He got dressed and went to check on the younger man. He was still asleep but didn’t really look that comfortable. He had managed to turn half of his upper body to the side but the lower was still laying flat. That had to hurt his back when he woke up. Harvey considered waking him but decided against it.

An hour or so later Mike called out for him. He went into the kid’s room to find Mike sitting up looking bewildered towards him.

“Hey.“ Harvey said. Mike didn’t answer him just let out a deep breath and seemed to relax a bit. He fell back down on the bed.

“Hey.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m great.” Mike said sarcastically.

“Yeah I bet. How did you sleep?”

Mike sighed now. “Not great.”

Harvey nodded. “You want to…?”

Mike nodded and Harvey started the process of getting Mike dressed and out of bed. He helped him to the bathroom as well.

Mike made it clear he didn’t want to talk, and Harvey respected his wishes even though he didn’t fully agree. Harvey had decided to stay at home with him that day. He suggested they watch a movie and Mike agreed. After that Mike wanted to lay down in bed for a while. He said no when Harvey asked if he wanted company. When Harvey came to tell him dinner was ready Mike refused it. They argued a bit about it but Harvey let Mike win.

Mike on his part noticed that Harvey did try to cheer him up. It was nice of him but it didn’t feel like it was working. All he felt was anger and sadness. Both feelings were so strong he had a hard time controlling them. He wanted to either scream and rage at Harvey or break down in tears alone in his bed. Neither seemed like good ideas so he struggled with staying somewhere in between.

He didn’t know if he ever felt like this before. It was hard to deal with. He was frustrated and didn’t have much patients. He would snap at Harvey when he was too slow in getting him to the wheelchair or getting him dressed. He hated getting dressed! It felt so humiliating. He felt like he was a damn child or even some thing. That was when he really couldn’t help but remarking on what Harvey was doing.

The nights were awful. That’s when the dark thought would get a hold of him. It felt like a tide of darkness that hit him and he was totally defenseless against it. He would try and hold out to get rid of the thoughts but it never worked. He ended up feeling so pathetic and broken that he cried himself to sleep.

He had nightmares that woke him and left him shaken up and sad. He felt exhausted as well and it didn’t work too well with his mood.

Donna came to see him the second day after Rachel’s visit. It was nice to see her and she was able to make him feel a bit better. She stayed with him for a long time. Mostly she just kept him company in silence. Mike just staring out into the room and Donna with a magazine. She would sometimes tell him something from it or read small parts. It felt nice.

They talked about Rachel as well and Mike was glad that she didn’t take any sides.

“I’m so sorry about it Mike. I wish it wouldn’t have happened.”

“Me too. Me too Donna.”

Mike told her about how he just didn’t understand.

“When did I go wrong?”

“I don’t know Mike.” Donna said.

“But you are Donna. You are supposed to know everything.” He didn’t know if he meant it as a joke or not.

She smiled sadly at him.

“I wish I knew Mike.” She said and Mike nodded.

“I miss her. It hurts to think about her. She said that she didn’t want to hurt me. But I don’t understand how she thought it wouldn’t.”

“She knew it would. You know she wasn’t at work for a few days and she didn’t answer when I called. I haven’t spoken to her since then.”

Mike looked away. “She went to see her parents.” He said.

“I want you to know Mike, that you are not alone. You mean a lot to both me and Harvey. Remember that.”

Mike smiled at her then. “Thank you Donna. That means a lot.”

“Hang in there.” She patted his arm.

“I’m trying to.” He said. He looked into her eyes and suddenly felt an urge to just tell her everything. How he was truly feeling, about those thoughts he was getting more and more often, about the feeling of helplessness and the humiliation.

“I know. You are strong Mike.” Donna said then and the moment was gone. She was wrong though. He wasn’t strong at all. The opposite. He was weak. He was nothing. He had become nothing. He could not do anything.

“Are you okay Mike?” Donna asked and he realized that he had been staring at nothing for some time.

He nodded mutely. He wasn’t okay.

- _SUITS-_

Things were not getting better with Mike. Harvey had tried several times over the last few days now to talk to the younger man. Mike however was not interested in talking. He would change the subject or deflect when Harvey tried to ask him how he was doing.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Mike had snapped when Harvey carefully had brought Rachel’s name into a conversation.

“Look, I think it can help if you do Mike.”

“How is it going to help?” He had asked. Harvey didn’t really have a good answer to that.

“It won’t hurt to try.” He said. But Mike was of a different opinion.

“You don’t want to hear it anyway.” He mumbled so quietly that Harvey almost couldn’t make it out. Mike looked sad when Harvey watched him then. Harvey wanted to protest his words but didn’t. Mike hadn’t meant for him to hear it.

“Of you ever feel like talking though, I’m here.”

“You mean that?” Mike asked then.

“Of course.”

“Thank you Harvey.” Mike swallowed. He wanted to tell Harvey. He just didn’t know why he didn’t take the change right now. Well he was scared that was one reason. Then there was the fact that he was embarrassed. So he said nothing.

Harvey left for work the next day. Mike didn’t want him to leave. He got angry at Harvey for it. He swore. He didn’t care that Harvey looked at him disapprovingly and then just left anyway.

Sure he was only gone for a few hours but still. Mike didn’t know how to handle it. The first time Harvey left he had been so upset after a while that he actually had shed a few tears. He then got angry with himself and decided to stop it. He managed until Harvey got back with lunch.

When Harvey left again it felt even worse than before. He needed to do something to occupy himself and he refused to watch more TV. He decided to go out on the balcony and managed after some time to open the door enough so that he could fit the wheelchair. He rolled over to the corner to be able to get the best view. It was truly something special, although he had some trouble to really appreciate it. He found himself looking down instead. He wondered how it would feel to make the jump. It would without a doubt kill anyone who tried. He would never make it over the railing.

He had had dark moments earlier in his life but he had never felt as low as this, except for when his parents died of course. And when he lost his grandmother. But this was so different. Now he didn’t know how things in his life would improve. He just didn’t know. But he hadn’t ever thought about actually ending it all himself. That thought really scared him. It was just that sometimes, especially at night he just kind of wanted everything to end. He wanted it to end just so that he didn’t need to feel as bad as he did. That didn’t mean he wanted to die, right? He just wanted to stop feeling so much. He wanted that to stop. He just didn’t know how long he could go on like this.

He stayed on the balcony until Harvey got back home again. Mike’s back was hurting by then and he didn’t even bother to look over at Harvey when the older man sat down on one of the sun loungers next to him.

“Admiring the view?” Harvey said quietly. Mike only nodded. He didn’t feel like talking.

“It’s pretty cold out here Mike. Do you want to go inside?” Harvey said next.

Mike shook his head. He didn’t want to leave. It was kind of calming to look out over the city.

“But aren’t you cold? I’ll get you a blanket or something.” Harvey disappeared and Mike looked after him then. Harvey did come back with a blanket that he placed over Mike’s back.

“There you go.” Harvey said and squeezed his neck a little. Mike found himself closing his eyes, but then Harvey removed his hand again and Mike felt like he wanted to cry. What was wrong with him? It was just that it had felt so nice. Like Harvey truly cared.

“Thanks.” He got out.

”Sure.” Harvey said and sat down again. ”Did I tell you about when I bought this place? It was actually the view that got me stuck.”

Mike sat there quietly and listen to Harvey as he talked. He felt a bit calmer.

Harvey could see how Mike started to relax after a few minutes of him talking. He was just saying whatever that came to his mind. Not his usual style but he felt like it was needed this time. Mike needed some cheering up. He had looked so lost when Harvey had stepped out of the balcony after panicking slightly when he came home and found the condo empty.

After a while Mike started to get involved in the conversation much to Harvey’s relief. They had a nice time. However it changed when Harvey thought it time to go inside. Mike refused and Harvey got annoyed. He left Mike sitting there then and went inside himself. Mike came after him about thirty minutes later and neither of them said anything about it.

“I don’t want to go to bed yet!” Mike exclaimed after they had dinner that night and Harvey suggested that it was time.

Harvey couldn’t help but sigh. “Okay, but I want to, so you don’t have much choice.”

“It’s not even late yet. We can stay up another hour.”

“I get that you don’t want to sleep yet Mike, but I want to. So I’ll help you to bed and you can stay awake there as long as you like.”

“Screw you.” Mike responded.

“What did you say?”

“You heard me.”

“Yes I did, and I don’t appreciate your tone.”

Mike didn’t answer.

“Come on.” Harvey stood up and pushed the wheelchair close to Mike. The other man moved further away.

“Fine. You can sleep on the couch then.” Harvey said and turned around and left.

It was kind of mean but he thought he would give Mike another change after he was done in the bathroom. But fifteen minutes later Mike still refused and Harvey got pissed and left him there. Screw the kid, if he acted like that he could stay on the couch the rest of the night. Apparently it was what he wanted.

Mike cursed at Harvey when he walked away. He wasn’t sure the older man heard it or not, however he didn’t turn around again.

He stubbornly finished the movie they had started to watch before Harvey decided to bail. After he had finished he kind of regretted his actions though. He was sitting up on the couch. There was no way he would be able to move from there and he wasn’t even sure he would be able to lay down. He tried a little but was only able to move a tiny bit further down. He groaned and angrily hit his leg hard. He would have to sleep sitting up tonight.

He tried for a while but couldn’t get comfortable enough to relax. He started to regret it even more. He was so stupid. Could he call for Harvey to come and help him? He could apologize.

He tried. “Harvey?”

He waited. Nothing. He called again and again but Harvey didn’t show up. Maybe he was sleeping. But Mike’s calls would have woken him up right? So the only other explanation was that Harvey didn’t want to come and help him. Mike could understand him though. He had been rude and ungrateful. Harvey had offered to help him and Mike had acted like a child and refused. He only had himself to blame. He had been an idiot.

He found himself just laying there trying to keep it all away. He couldn’t let it go though, what he had done, what he had said and what Harvey had done. He wished he could take it all back. Tomorrow wasn’t going to be nice either. Harvey would probably still be mad at him and Mike didn’t want him to be. He didn’t want to fight with Harvey. He really didn’t, but sometimes he just couldn’t help himself.

He wished yet again that he would be able to just move his leg. Why did this happen to him? What had he done to deserve this? And why wouldn’t Harvey come back and help him?

He cried that night too. He had nightmares and didn’t sleep more than a few hours.

Harvey was short with him the next morning. Mike apologized but Harvey didn’t seem to care that much. Mike found himself crying again when Harvey left. Sure Harvey had helped him and all but he had done it in silence and Mike almost thought that he shrugged away a little when he had been forced to lift Mike over to the toilet. Like he was disgusting or something. It hurt so much in him that he had wanted to cry right then and there. He had waited though until Harvey left.

It was a depressing day. They barely spoke even though Mike tried to start up a conversation about Harvey’s case. Harvey however only answered yes or no, so Mike stopped asking him. That night Harvey told him that Donna would come over and stay with him the next day. Mike had thanked him then. He had felt his eyes start to burn at the thought of her coming over and stay with him during the day. He would have to be alone.

- _SUITS-_

Mike was already awake when Harvey stepped into the room. He had dark circles underneath his eyes and looked like he hadn’t slept at all.

“Good morning. You are up already I see.” He greeted him. Harvey had decided to make an effort with the kid today. For Mike’s sake he needed to so. He could tell that the kid was only spiraling downwards. Yesterday hadn’t helped either. He had found it a bit hard to act normal around the kid since he actually was kind of angry at him. But he had had a conversation with Donna about Mike and she had told him to just let it go. So he had decided to try.

“About time! Get me out of here.” Mike said and Harvey felt a tiny bit of annoyance start to grow in him. So much for that.

“Did you wake up on the wrong side today or what?” He tried to keep his tone light.

“I can’t even turn on my damn side!”

Harvey held up his hands. “Alright. I guess you just want to get up then.”

Harvey turned to get Mike some clothes. The process of getting Mike dressed wasn’t always pleasant. Mike got frustrated and seemed to be uncomfortable with it every time. Today was not an exception. Harvey had gotten him dressed on the upper part of his body and got him into a pair of pants however they were pooled around Mike’s ankles as Harvey got him his socks on.

Mike was trying himself to pull his pants up but was struggling. After trying three times he lost his patience and surprised Harvey who was done with the socks and just about to help with the pants.

Mike swore loudly and started hitting his legs.

“Hey!” Harvey exclaimed and grabbed Mike’s hand to stop him. “Don’t do that! That’s not helping anything, is it?”

“Yes it does!” Mike pulled his hand out of Harvey’s grip but he didn’t hit himself again. “It makes me feel better.”

“In what way?” Harvey asked as he finished getting the pants on Mike. He genuinely wanted to know.

“I don’t know.” Mike just said. “I just does.”

Harvey shook his head. “Well, it’s stupid so you should just stop.”

“You are stupid!” Mike shot back and fumbled to get his sweater down properly.

Harvey glared at him and started to push him out of the room. “Fine. I’m stupid.” He muttered. He helped Mike to the bathroom and left him there and went to get dressed himself.

He was just about done when it knocked on the door. He went to open and let Donna in.

“Thanks for staying with him today Donna.” Harvey said.

“Of course. Is he sleeping?”

“No, he is the bathroom.”

Donna nodded and followed him to the kitchen where Harvey gave her a cup of coffee.

“So how has he been doing these past few days?”

“Oh, he is a bundle of joy.”

She didn’t smile.

“Well, honestly Donna, he is not really a delight to handle right now.”

Donna raised and eyebrow.

“He is pretty much pissed off at all times. He is rude, yells at you, and refuses to do what is asked of him. Honestly I just want to strangle him sometimes.”

“But you can contain yourself perfectly well, can’t you? Because you know that nothing will be better if you yell back at him.”

Harvey glared a bit at her. “I don’t yell at him, I might raise my voice now and then but I don’t yell.”

“We just need to give him time. He is still processing all of this.”

“Yeah, it would be nice if he was done soon though.”

“I’ll talk to him today.”

Harvey nodded. “I wish you the best of luck with that. I’m getting him to the wheelchair now and then he is all yours.”

She just shook his head at him.

Harvey knocked on the door. “Are you done? Donna is here?”

“Not here, here I hope.” Mike said.

Harvey smiled a little and stepped inside. “Only me.” He said when Mike’s wide eyes met his.

Harvey saw how Mike smiled genuinely at the sight of Donna. He looked relieved as well, and somehow that got to him.

Mike smiled at him too when Harvey was about to leave and wished them both a good day.

“Thank you so much for coming Donna.” Mike told her.

“Of course Mike, I’m happy to be here. So what do you want to do?”

“I get to decide?”

“I’m feeling generous.”

“Do you want to go for a walk then?” Mike asked. “I have only been to the hospital and back ever since this happened.”

“Of course. Good idea.”

So they went. Donna helped him get dressed more appropriately for the weather and they then took the elevator down. They decided to go for a stroll in the park. It was his first time out among ordinary people in the wheelchair. He hadn’t been prepared for it. They weren’t even halfway there when Mike felt like he wanted to turn back.

Not everyone was staring at him, even though he could feel eyes on him. It was like no one really knew how to act around him. Some people adverted their eyes when they passed him and only looked at Donna, like he wasn’t even there. Some people threw him a hasty look to then look in another direction. And there were those who openly stared. By the time they got to the park Mike felt down and had started to look down at his knees as they walked, or as Donna pushed him and she walked.

“Are you okay?” Donna asked as she sat down on a bench with him turned against her.

Mike shrugged. “People are kind of staring at me.”

“Well, Mike that is the downside of being easy on the eyes.”

He smirked a bit. “Are you calling me handsome?”

“Oh, I was just talking from my own experience.” She smiled. “But Mike, so what if they stare. Let them. This is who you are.”

“I don’t want to be like this!” He said heatedly. “I don’t want them to stare!”

She placed a hand on his arm to calm him. “I know you don’t and I’m sorry if it upsets you.”

“Yeah… I guess I have to get used to it huh?”

Donna just looked at him and they sat in silence for some time.

“Have you heard anything from Rachel?” Mike asked next. He just wanted to know.

“She has taken two weeks of vacation.” Donna answered.

“Oh. Do you think she is avoiding going there because I might be there?”

“I don’t know Mike. I have just texted with her a bit.”

“I haven’t talked to her, or texted her for that matter.” Mike said. “I have wanted to but I don’t know what to say to her. I just don’t know. And I’m so angry at her now for what she did.”

Donna nodded. “I can understand that.”

Mike changed the subject. He wasn’t ready to talk about Rachel any more than that. Somehow he felt relieved that she hadn’t been by the office.

The day with Donna was the best he had had in a long time. She had a way of making him forget the bad stuff for a bit. She ended up staying for dinner and they had a good time when Harvey got home as well. It almost felt normal. And when he was sitting on the couch next to Donna he felt normal. You couldn’t tell that he was broken then. It was only when Harvey lifted him off it and over to the wheelchair that it hit him again with full force.

Donna came with him into his room after he was done in the bathroom. When she hugged him goodnight he had almost lost it. He didn’t want her to go, because then this day would be over and everything would be shit again. But she left him anyway.

- _SUITS-_

“How was it today?” Harvey asked when Donna joined him by the kitchen island.

“It was good. He seemed to enjoy himself somewhat.”

“Really? That’s great. I haven’t seen any of that lately.”

“Well, maybe I just bring it out of him.”

“Maybe.”

“But you were right when you said that there is something wrong with him. I could tell that something is really eating on him. I don’t know if it is that he is struggling with the paralysis or if it is something else. What do you think Harvey? You spend more time with him.”

“Honestly I don’t know Donna. I feel like he’s just going to lose it one day and tip over. It can’t go on like this can it?”

“I think you are right Harvey. I think he is about to break at any moment. He snapped at me earlier, like he couldn’t help it.”

“Yeah, he did? I’m telling you he needs to get a grip with that.”

“But I don’t know if he can stop himself.” She paused and Harvey could see that her eyes became a bit distant. She spoke.

“You know I hugged him good night just now and he…”

She stopped and Harvey could see how her eyes had turned a bit shiny.

“He what?” He prompted.

“I don’t think he was prepared for it because he tensed at first but then he hugged me back really hard. And I got the feeling that he didn’t want to let me go.” She wiped a tear from her eyes and then looked at Harvey. He just nodded. He didn’t know what to say.

“We should hug him more.” Donna whispered.

Harvey huffed. “What? As a way of stopping him from yelling at us?”

“He is hurting Harvey.”

Harvey sobered up and sighed. “I know.” He said.

They both got quiet for a while after that, lost in their own thoughts.

“I’ll try and see if I can talk some sense into him.” Harvey said then. “I have to get him to quit this stubborn angry behavior he has got going on and just see if he can start talking to me.”

“That’s a plan Harvey. You should stay home with him tomorrow. I can clear your schedule.”

“I have that meeting with Rasmusson at one. I can’t miss that.”

“So you will start your new treatment of Mike by leaving him alone for the day?”

“I’ll just go to the meeting and you can clear the rest of my schedule.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. It’ll be fine.”

Hopefully it would be. Harvey knew that if he just could convince Mike to talk to him he might be able to start doing something about the kid’s mood. He needed to get through to Mike. Make him realize that they were on the same side and that Harvey was there for him.

The problem was just that he sometimes got pretty annoyed with Mike. The kid wasn’t always that nice to deal with. Harvey especially had a hard time with Mike telling him what to do. Maybe he needed to have a talk with the kid about that as well. He would give it a try tomorrow.

- _SUITS-_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is actually building up for what's going to come next. It will be pretty dramatic. I'll post it soon. Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

Harvey’s plan on changing things around the condo didn’t get off to a great start. Mike was frustrated and looked exhausted then Harvey came to get him out of bed.

“Did you sleep at all?” Harvey had to ask him.

“Not really.” Mike answered.

“How come?”

“I have nightmares, if you must know.” Mike said shortly and refused to look at him.

“You do? I didn’t know that.”

“Well, it’s not like you have asked.”

Harvey nodded. “No, you are right. I haven’t. I should have though Mike.”

Mike looked up at him now. He looked a bit surprised. “Okay…” He said.

However Mike didn’t like the fact that Harvey was leaving. He didn’t say it right out that he wanted Harvey to stay but the older man was pretty good at reading people. It didn’t help that he told Mike that he would be back again after his meeting.

“You know what Harvey? I don’t care when you are back. You can come and go as you want.”

“Oh I can? How generous of you.” Harvey said dryly. Mike just sighed and looked away.

Twenty minutes later Mike heard how Harvey closed the door behind him and he was yet again alone. He was disappointed at Harvey even though it somehow felt like he shouldn’t be. It was just that yesterday had been a good day and he had felt better hanging out with Donna. She made him feel a little bit more normal. He had felt a bit like himself again.

That was over now though and he felt like shit again. He was angry. Harvey was an ass for leaving. Why couldn’t he have had Donna to come over at least? But no, he would have to sit here alone the entire day. He had been thinking a bit about asking Harvey if he could come with him back to work soon. He felt like he was ready for that now. Or he wasn’t really sure that he was, but maybe he could come for just a visit. He missed being at work and he even missed the actual work. However if he was honest he didn’t think he would be able to focus on cases at the moment, if he could care.

He just sat there in his wheelchair now. He didn’t know what to do. He should do something to entertain himself or at least to keep his mind busy, but he just couldn’t figure it out what that would be. If he only had the use of both his arm he would actually be able to leave the condo. At least maybe to just go around the block or something. There would be so many things he would be able to start doing as soon as he got two arms again. He would become more independent and that would lead to him feeling less humiliated. He was pretty sure of that. He so looked forward to that.

As for now he wasn’t sure if he would be able to get anywhere with only his one functioning arm. He could get around somewhat now but it was a slow process and honestly it hurt some to do it.

No, he could just sit around here in the condo for now. It was really all he could do, he didn’t have anywhere else to go. He couldn’t go home again now and not just because of his inability to walk, but also because Rachel had ended it. He still had his things over there in their apartment, the one he had bought for his grandma that she never got to see. Now he would never see it again either. He didn’t want to think about it. He suddenly felt like he wanted to cry.

He managed to get out on the balcony for a while. He felt that it calmed him some to sit there and look out over the city. He sat there for a couple of hours. He didn’t bother to come up with something else to do.

Harvey had left at a weird time. It had been too early to have lunch but now it was getting late and he was starting to get hungry. He should go in and make something for himself but he didn’t bother. He would only get disappointed or pissed if he wasn’t able to do everything he wanted, like getting butter into a pan or reach the glasses.

- _SUITS-_

Harvey was almost late to his meeting with the client. It was his own fault but Mike hadn’t helped. He had stayed at home a bit too long just because of Mike, it just hadn’t felt good to leave him. Then it had been traffic.

Jessica was on the meeting as well since she had stepped in to lend a hand on this case since Harvey had been away so much lately. Harvey arrived after the client did and he could tell right away on Jessica’s expression upon seeing him that she wasn’t pleased with him.

The meeting went well and the client was satisfied when he left, Jessica however wasn’t. She stopped him when Harvey made a move to get up and leave the room.

“Harvey I would like a word with you.”

“Sure, about what?”

“I think you know what it is about.” She said and Harvey was pretty sure he did know.

“When are you planning on coming back full time?” Jessica asked.

“You know I can’t do that yet.”

“Because of that damn kid?”

“Mike was injured on the job.”

“I know that Harvey, he was but not you. I’m just saying that you are letting this go out over your work at the firm too much.”

“I’m handling all of my clients and you know that.” Harvey defended himself, Jessica wouldn’t have it though.

“You know damn well Harvey that both Louis and I are covering for you.”

Harvey clenched his teeth. “And I appreciate that, but Mike…”

“You are letting him rule your life, Harvey! Is he even making any progress, or is he just sitting there in your condo?”

“He is not ruling my life! And he is doing the best he can?”

“And what exactly has he done to improve his situation?” Jessica continued. “As I understand it he is refusing to accept help from a care facility.”

“It’s a rehabilitation center and he is not ready to go there yet? And what would you have me do? Just throw him in there so I would be free to work on my cases.”

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. I’m just asking if he ever will be ready if you serve him everything he needs?”

“That’s enough Jessica. I’m not serving him anything, I’m helping him…”

But he was interrupted. Jessica must had sensed that he was losing his patients because she backed down.

“I’m just saying that you might want to think about a more permanent situation for the both of you, Harvey. But I know it’s not easy.”

“Fine. Are we done?” Harvey wanted this conversation over. Now. Jessica nodded and Harvey left without a word. He walked straight to his office and sat down at his desk. He did his best to ignore Donna’s questioning look.

He rubbed his face a bit and leaned his head in his hands for just a moment. Damn it. He kind of had expected this from Jessica. Maybe even sooner. He knew she didn’t appreciate to have her workload increased because of Mike of all people. Now he couldn’t really help but find some truth in what she had been telling him. They were at a standstill right now. Mike wasn’t really doing that much better and it didn’t seem like he was eager to do anything about his situation either. Sure Harvey could understand that he was in a difficult position but still, shouldn’t Mike start to accept his situation soon and start to move forward with his life?

He ended up staying two more hours at the office to get some other work done. He left when Donna came into his room and just stood in front of his desk.

“Yes, fine Donna. I’m leaving.”

“Remember what we talked about yesterday Harvey.” She warned him.

“Yes, I remember. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

When he got home he found that Mike was in a weird mood. He glared at Harvey when he stepped into the door.

“It’s about time.” Harvey heard him mumble. “What took you so long?” He said louder.

“I had some work to do after the meeting.” Harvey said.

“Okay. I want to lay down.” Mike said.

“Fine.” Harvey muttered and helped him lay on the couch. Mike closed his eyes when he was laying.

“When are we eating?” Mike asked next as he opened his eyes and looked at Harvey.

“When the dinner is ready.” Harvey said and left for his bedroom to change.

“When is that then?” Mike called after him, but he didn’t answer. He was annoyed at Mike now. He just expected Harvey to come home and make him dinner? Mike had been home the entire day, he could have made himself something. He wasn’t totally paralyzed.

Mike laid on the couch and heard how Harvey walked away without answering him. He was really hungry now. It felt really good to be laying down though. About three hours after Harvey had left his back really started to hurt and he wasn’t able to do much about it, since it didn’t really help to change positions in the wheelchair. He had taken a few pills though. They should help.

It took almost an hour before Harvey came back in the living room. Mike had wanted to call for him but hadn’t done it. Somehow he felt like Harvey was kind of pissed at him. Harvey hadn’t looked him in the eyes since he got home.

Mike didn’t say anything when Harvey walked pass him to the kitchen. He felt his stomach turn a bit. Maybe he could join Harvey in the kitchen and offer to help him with something.

“Can you help me up?” Mike asked.

“It’s better if you just stay there.” Harvey told him.

“For who? You or what?”

“You just asked to lay down Mike.”

“Yeah, but that was because my back was hurting from sitting in that damn chair all day.”

“So are you saying that that’s my fault?” Harvey asked.

“A little your fault, yes. You were gone longer than you said.”

“I was doing my job.”

“Whatever. Just get me up now!” Mike exclaimed.

Harvey considered his options. He wanted to tell Mike a couple of things, but he also thought about the conversation he and Donna had had yesterday. So he swallowed his anger and walked over to the couch.

Harvey didn’t say anything he just took a hold of Mike’s arm and heaved him upright. He wasn’t that gently when he put Mike down in the chair and Mike wanted to curse at him. It actually hurt a bit and he ended up to far out on the chair. But he didn’t want to make things worse and now it seemed like Harvey didn’t want to touch him longer than necessary.

Mike’s desire to help out in the kitchen was long gone so he just rolled over to the kitchen table to wait. Harvey didn’t say a word to him until he had the food on the table and sat down himself in front of Mike.

“Do you want me to cut it?” He asked now. Mike felt how he blushed as he looked at his plate with chicken and rise. He was allowed to eat normal food again now but he hadn’t mastered the art of cutting his food with one hand. Harvey usually did it for him.

Mike reluctantly nodded.

“So, I’ve been thinking a bit Mike.” Harvey said when they almost had finished the dinner.

“About what?”

“Well…” Harvey stalled a bit. He didn’t know how to bring this up without them arguing. “I’ve been thinking a bit about the nearest future.”

“What about it?” Mike asked. He wasn’t sure if he liked where this was going.

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but I was thinking that it is time to do something about your situation.”

“What do you mean my situation?”

“I mean the fact that you are not really making that much progress here. Just sitting around here.”

Mike stared at him. What the hell was Harvey going on about? He asked Harvey.

“I had a talk with Jessica today and she isn’t that happy about me being away this much.”

“So what? You feel like I’m keeping you away from work?”

“Well, Mike. You kind of are. Aren’t you? I’m not saying that I don’t want to help you out, I’m just saying that it might be time for you to start with helping yourself out.”

“What are you talking about?” Mike repeated. “I’m paralyzed! My arm is broken! What the hell can I do?”

“You know there is help that you can get.”

“The center?! Are you serious?” Mike felt himself starting to shake and his chest felt tight. “I’ve told you I’m not going there!”

“I know that, but Mike. This isn’t really working for you is it? Just sitting around here all day with nothing changing. That’s not you, that’s not who you are.”

Harvey meant it as encouraging, but at Mike’s expression it was pretty clear that the younger man didn’t take it as such.

“I’m doing the best I can!” Mike almost yelled at him now.

“I don’t think you are though Mike.” Harvey forced his voice to remain calm.

Mike was breathing heavily and just started at him now. He blinked rapidly a few times. He couldn’t believe that Harvey was saying this to him. He had thought that Harvey was on his side with all of this. Apparently not anymore. He felt betrayed.

“You know what? I’m leaving. I don’t want to hear this right now.” Mike announced then and started to push himself away from the table. He had some trouble getting out and around a chair that stood next to him and he felt himself grow frustrated at his inability to leave as fast as he wanted.

The chair fell to the floor with a loud bang, but Mike didn’t care. It felt kind of good, he had to admit to himself. It had hindered him to getting around it. Not that it was so much better now.

“What the hell are you doing?” Harvey’s tired voice behind him.

“Nothing.” Mike managed to get around it.

“Pick it up!”

“No.” Mike went on his way towards the couch and his phone on the table.

“Mike what the hell is your problem? I don’t appreciate you throwing my stuff on the floor.”

“It was in the way. Don’t put it there then.”

“It’s a chair. It’s next to the table. Where it belongs.”

“I don’t care. I couldn’t get around it with it there.”

“Well, it was there before you.” Harvey said looking over towards Mike. His patience with Mike was running low at the moment.

“So?”

“God damn it Mike!” Harvey exclaimed.

“What Harvey? What’s your problem? It’s just a chair. Pick it up yourself if it’s so important.”

“You don’t talk like that to me in my own house Mike. I’m warning you here.”

“Oh, you are warning me, are you? Am I supposed to be scared?” Mike rolled his eyes and started to roll off again, but Harvey stepped in front of him to stop him.

“You don’t get to walk away from this conversation.” Harvey started. Mike huffed.

“Walk huh?”

“Stop that right now, you know exactly what I mean.”

Mike glared at him. “What do you want to have a conversation about then?”

He wasn’t interested at all in having any conversation. He had a feeling that this wasn’t going to end well. He could tell that Harvey was rather pissed, but so was he and he didn’t want to back down.

“Now we are going to have a conversation about your behavior. You got to stop acting like this. I have had enough of it!”

Mike rolled his eyes and looked away.

“Mike! Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

“Fine!” he exclaimed. “What do you want me to do then huh? You want me to go around and pretend like everything is fine and that this will all be better if I just do whatever you tell me. You want me to pretend that I’m fine with all of this?”

“I want you to stop acting like a damn idiot all the time! You are under my God damn roof and the least you can do is to act civil.”

“Your God damn roof… you asked me to live with you! Have you forgotten that or what?”

“No I haven’t…”

“I bet you changed your mind as soon as I stepped in here, right? You just felt guilty because you wasn’t there when I needed you. So that’s why you letting me live here isn’t it?”

Mike was practically yelling at this point. He didn’t know why he said all these things. He had thought it a bunch of times but now he threw it in Harvey’s face. He didn’t want to do that. He was afraid of the answer he could get.

But Harvey just rolled his eyes at him. “You’re talking bullshit right now Mike and you should just stop. You know damn well why I’m letting you live here. And besides it’s not like you have anywhere else to go, is there? So I would be careful if I were you.”

“And what if I’m not? What will you do? You are just waiting for an excuse to get rid of me, are you? I’m disturbing you’re life aren’t I? I bet you can’t wait to get rid of me huh?”

“Well, honestly Mike, you are not the most pleasant house guest. So…”

Mike didn’t know what to answer to that. He suddenly didn’t have a comeback. It just hurt to hear Harvey actually say it. Sure Mike had set it up for Harvey to admit it but still, it hurt.

“Well, unfortunately for you, you are stuck with me.” He said eventually and was proud of the fact that he could keep his voice even.

Mike tried to roll pass Harvey again but he didn’t move. Harvey on his part was kind of proud of himself for managing to keep himself somewhat together because he had had suppressed and urge to just tell Mike what he really thought. But he didn’t want to leave the conversation like this.

“Oh so you thought we were done there huh? We are not. I want you to start getting your act together if you are going to continue living here. I’m done with how you act and talk Mike, do you hear me?”

Mike felt himself go cold at Harvey’s words. Was he seriously threatening with throwing him out? Damn him for that! The words just flew out of him.

“You know what? I don’t fucking care Harvey. I’ll act however I want, and if you have a problem with that, it’s your problem isn’t?”

“Well, have you ever thought of that this, the way you act is the reason why people don’t want to be around you? Why Rachel couldn’t stand you!? So I’d say it’s very much your problem.”

Harvey briefly closed his eyes when his last words left his mouth. Maybe that was taking it a little too far. He could see that they hit Mike hard.

Mike had been on his way to yell something back, but Harvey’s words stopped him and made him flinch. Against his will he felt how his eyes started to burn. Damn it! He wouldn’t be able to stop it. Those words had hurt more than the others and it felt like he was close to not being able to take much more. He wanted this conversation done with now.

“Leave!” he yelled at the older man. He wasn’t going to break down in front of Harvey. He just wasn’t. Not like this.

“Leave! Get out!” He yelled again when Harvey didn’t move.

“That’s enough!” Harvey yelled back. “You don’t get to fucking order me out of my own damn house. I’ve had it! You are the one that’s fucking leaving. I’m sick of your damn behavior!”

And before Mike had time to react Harvey grabbed his wheelchair and started to push him towards the door.

“No! Harvey! What are you doing?” He screamed. He tried to grab the wall, but couldn’t hold on with his left hand when Harvey just pushed him forwards. Harvey teared the front door open and pushed him out the door.

“Get the hell out of here. You are not welcome here anymore!” Then he stepped back and closed the door violently behind Mike.

Mike sat as frozen and tried to get some breaths in. What had just happened? What happened? It was hard to draw in breaths, he was so tense. It took him a minute for that shock to pass. Then it was like something just snapped for him and the realization of what happened came over him. Tears immediately came even though he hated himself for it. However the anger towards Harvey overwhelmed everything else. Damn Harvey! He was going to leave then if he wasn’t welcome here, he didn’t know where he would go he just needed to get away from here. He awkwardly managed to get over to the elevator, his broken arm aching from the strain of getting the wheelchair forward. He wasn’t supposed to use it this much. But before he pushed the button he remembered that he didn’t have his wallet. Damn! He wouldn’t be able to do anything without it.

He got himself back to Harvey’s door. It took him way longer than he would have liked but he angrily hit the door, legs first. Although he didn’t feel it.

“Open up!” He yelled. “Harvey, open the door! I need my wallet!” 

Nothing.

He hit at the door as hard as he could and yelled again. He was losing it, he felt so angry. “Open!”

“What the hell is your problem!?” Harvey yelled and opened the door so suddenly Mike pushed himself back in surprise.

Mike blinked a few times. “I need my wallet!” he got out when he found his voice.

“Fine.” Harvey disappeared. He came back a moment later looking furious.

“I don’t get you! How can you do this to me?” Mike said.

“It’s easy.” Harvey said coldly and then threw the wallet at him, however Harvey’s aim were a bit off since he was trying to avoid to hit the door. Mike reached out and tried to catch it with his right hand just as Harvey closed the door. He missed. His cast reached down along his fingers and he wasn’t able to grab it properly. It fell to the ground just as the door closed with a loud thump.

“No…” Mike mumbled. “No!” He then screamed. “Harvey! Damn it!”

He tried to reach for it, to pick it up. It was laying right between the wheel of the chair and the wall. He angrily moved around to get a better angle. His fingertips touched it. He swore. He needed to turn around and reach with his left hand. He couldn’t pick it up with his right.

He shook from anger and humiliation. Damn Harvey. How hard had it been to just give it to him? He refused to knock on the door again and ask Harvey to pick it up for him. He jerkily manage to get himself facing the right way. He swore multiple times when the wall was in the way. He was so upset that he didn’t allow himself the time to do this properly. He just wanted to get away from here. Now!

He yelled in frustration as he reached down to grab his wallet off the floor. It happened before he had time to react much to prevent it. In his rush he was not careful enough and put too much of his weight to the side because the next thing he knew the whole wheelchair tipped over to the side! He had been slightly too far away and had leaned too much to the side. He ended up sprawled on the floor with the chair next to him, tipped over.

_NO!_

This wasn’t happening! He couldn’t believe that this happened. It couldn’t be true. He did not just lay outside Harvey’s door without any means of getting up without help. It wasn’t happening.

At first he just laid there trying to understand what had happened. He was a bit dazed since he had managed to bang his head into the wall just as he fell. His left shoulder hurt a bit as well. His right leg was on top of his left and he was almost on his stomach. After a moment of just laying there he was ready to deal with the situation. He swore out loud again as he propped himself up on his elbow. This would have been so much easier if he had been on his right side instead, or if he had two functioning arms. He pushed the wheelchair a bit away from him, he was almost laying on it. It was behind him and he realized that that was also a huge problem. How would he be able to rise it up again? He did a weak attempt with his right arm but it was too heavy. He could do it with his left arm. He needed to turn around.

He managed to sit up on his side supporting himself with his arm. But his legs were twisted, right over left. He tried to lift it over to be able to sit up properly. Turns out that he couldn’t! His right foot hindered him and got caught in his left one like a hook, and he couldn’t use both hands without falling over. He tried. He yelled out as he tried again. It didn’t work! He couldn’t do it. His legs where just there as a heavy dead weight, taunting him, hindering him. Destroying him. He tried again and again. He started crying out of frustration. Not caring how it made him look. But no matter how much he tried he couldn’t lift it. That was until he laid down again and then violently threw his upper body to the side. He was then able to sit up normally and lift his leg right. He sat there, panting and feeling stupid for a while. He saw his wallet mockingly laying next to him. He found himself picking it up and pressing it to his chest as some sort of comfort.

He was crying. He couldn’t help it. He just felt so bad now when he realized that he was on the floor outside Harvey’s apartment. He didn’t know where he would go now, if he could manage to get up in his wheelchair again that was.

Rachel didn’t want anything to do with him, as Harvey had reminded him of. At this point he didn’t care though, if he could have gotten up there he would have gone to their apartment. But right now that wasn’t an option. He didn’t have anywhere else to go. But he needed to get away from here that was for sure. He couldn’t be here. Harvey didn’t want him here. He had actually thrown him out. Harvey had thrown him out even though he knew about Mike’s situation. Sure Mike had been an ass, but still, throwing him out was just cruel.

He had nothing. Nothing at all. He couldn’t take care of himself. Dark thoughts came to him. He didn’t see any light in his life. He was alone and helpless. And now, he had behaved so badly that Harvey, the only one that had helped him had gotten sick of him. Mike had screwed up only good thing he had going. Suddenly he didn’t want to do it anymore. What was the point? He wanted to give up. This was all too much now.

But that thought scared him. Did he really want to die? Was that what he wanted? Not really. But he wanted this to end. He wanted things to go back to the way there were before. If that couldn’t happen? He wanted it to end.

He needed to stop this. What was he doing? Sitting here crying? He suddenly remembered that he was outside Harvey’s apartment. What if he heard him? No, he couldn’t have Harvey coming out seeing him like this. He was humiliated enough. He needed to get away from here. Anywhere else would be better. A hotel, yes, he would go to some hotel. If he just could get up in the wheelchair and out of the building he could get a cab somehow and go. Yes, that was a plan. He would do that.

First task, getting back in his chair. He just stared at it in despair as soon as he got it upright. There was no way he would be able to do this! Just no way. He started to cry again as he did a weak attempt. He tried again and again to heave himself up in it somehow, but he was just too far down. Once in his attempts it tipped over him. He had screamed then and hit at it. Pushed it away with all he could and just let himself sink down onto the floor. He couldn’t do it! He gave up at that point. He was on his back, wishing he wasn’t. He felt exposed. He felt so low that he didn’t think he ever had felt worse. His chest heaved. He was hurting so badly. He cried. He had a headache. His right arm hurt.

He didn’t know where it came from, but he wanted his mum. He wanted to scream out for her, but didn’t. He longed for her presence, her support, in a way he hadn’t in years, not since he was a child. But now… oh what he would give to have her here now. To have her help, have her calm him down, and maybe tell him that it all would be alright.

When thoughts of his mum filled up his mind he just hated himself. Why did he have to think of her on top everything? He whispered the word a few times. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to scream, rage and destroy. He wanted that to help. Everything was his legs fault. It was all because of his legs, or their lack of function. And also the cast around his arm. He didn’t know where it came from but he lifted his casted arm and he banged it with all he had down into the floor. He did it again even though pain seared through it. From somewhere he got the strength to heave himself upright and remain sitting. He stared at his legs. He hated them. He hit them. First the left and then the right. He would have done it with his right arm as well, but it was hurting so much now that he couldn’t move it.

He hit his legs again, again and again. His fist hurt, ached. He felt nothing on his legs. He couldn’t feel a thing, but he knew that he hit so hard that they must be bruised. He hit harder and harder. He found himself screaming every time he did. The world in front of him was getting blurry. Tears were streaming down his face. He was losing control, but didn’t care. He wanted to hit until he felt something there. If he just hit hard enough, then maybe, just maybe he would feel something. Anything!

“MIKE! Mike! Mike! Stop it! Stop it right now!” He suddenly registered Harvey’s voice behind him. He felt Harvey’s hands on his shoulder. Harvey was behind him trying to grab hold of his arm to stop him from hitting himself. When he felt Harvey’s body lean over him from behind trying to hold his arm still he fought with everything he had to get him off of him. He struggled wildly. He screamed. He sobbed. He cursed.

But it didn’t help. Harvey was stronger than he was. Harvey managed to grab hold of his arm and he pressed it against Mike’s chest. Harvey was practically hugging him from behind, pressing himself towards Mike.

“Let me go! Let me go! Let go of me!” Mike screamed with all he had. He was hoarse. He tried to hit Harvey as well, with his remaining arm. That only led to Harvey taking hold of that as well.

“No, Mike, no.” Harvey said in his ear.

“Yes!” He yelled. “Let me go.” He sobbed. He was a mess. But Harvey just held on to him. Hard.

Mike realized that he wouldn’t be able to do this either. He wouldn’t be able to get lose from Harvey. So he gave that up as well. He sank in on himself and just cried. His whole body shook. He wanted it to end.

_-SUITS-_

_Damn that kid! Damn him!_  Harvey was furious. He trembled with rage. He couldn’t believe that Mike acted this way. What had gotten into him lately? Sure he was dealing with a lot, but that didn’t give him the right to act however he wanted. It just didn’t, and Mike needed to realize that.

Harvey found himself walking back and forth in his condo, violently pushing the fallen chair that was in his way to the side. This had all started with the chair. Mike had without a reason pushed it down and left it there. He had no regards for Harvey’s things.

Harvey had to admit that it was trying to have Mike with him. Mike was in a bad mood most of the time now. It was ever since Rachel had been by. He could understand it, but enough was enough. He didn’t have to be like that.

He found himself standing there staring at the chair. Mike had said it had been in the way. Mike struggled with getting around. Having his right arm in a cast made it difficult to steer and get speed. He managed it pretty well, but Harvey had notice how he sometimes grimaced as if it pained him to use his arm. Maybe it did, but the kid didn’t have much choice.

He didn’t want to see it anymore. He walked over to the door to the balcony and stepped out. He had found Mike sitting out here on a few occasions when he had gotten home. Harvey now leaned against the railing and looked out over his part of the city. He drew a few deep breaths trying to clear his head a bit and calm down. It worked after a few minutes and his anger started to die down leaving only annoyance. What had just happened? What had he done?

Mike and him had been arguing, but about what? He wasn’t even sure now. He had brought up the fact that Mike wasn’t really making much progress. Why on earth had he done that? Jessica had gotten to his head. But then there was Mike’s attitude in general. Apparently the fact Mike had tipped over a chair had started all this. Actually it was pretty stupid. But he had gotten so angry. He really did try to make Mike feel at home here, to help him the best he could. Mike was ungrateful and angry. He was mad at his situation and at basically everything it seemed. He hadn’t dealt with Rachel’s betrayal all that well either.

And now what? He had actually thrown Mike out of his apartment. At the time he really thought that it was just what Mike deserved but the more he thought of it now the worse he felt about it. Had he really said to Mike that he wasn’t welcome here anymore?

If not here where would the kid go? He was basically homeless. Harvey swore to himself. What had he done? He had also just taken Mike’s chair and pushed him out. He knew Mike was struggling with feeling helpless and here he just pushed him out and Mike hadn’t been able to do anything about that.

Mike had even asked him how he could do this and Harvey had said that it was easy. It had been then and it had felt kind of good at that moment to slam the door in Mike’s face. But now?

He felt pretty bad about it now as he thought about how Mike had looked. About how Mike had tried to stop him from pushing him out. About  _how can you do this to me?_

He wondered what Mike would do? Or what he had done. Where could he have gone? To Donna? He actually didn’t think so, that Mike would turn to her. But where else?

Damn it! He needed to go and find him. That was the right thing to do. He had offered Mike a place to stay while he healed and that kid was far from healed. He needed help not to be pushed out the door. Harvey needed to be the one making this step. He was pretty sure Mike was too proud to come back to him. And if Mike thought he wasn’t welcome here anymore why would he want to. No, it needed to be Harvey that acted.

He went back inside and went to get his phone. He thought about calling Mike but decided to check the street first. He couldn’t have gotten that far.

Just as he grabbed his keys he thought he heard something. Then again. Someone was screaming. It was just outside his door. Harvey rushed over and threw the door opened. What met him outside was an image so heartbreaking that he never would forget it. It would be edged into his mind and he would sometimes have nightmares about it.

Mike was sitting on the floor in front of his door, next to his overturned wheelchair. Harvey felt as if he was stabbed in the heart as he saw what Mike was doing. He was sitting there on the floor with his legs in front of him. He was violently hitting his legs over and over, and at every hit he screamed. He was crying as well.

_Oh god_.

For a few horribly seconds Harvey just stood there watching what transpired before his eyes. Then he acted. He screamed at Mike to stop, just to stop and then threw his arms around him. Harvey just needed him to stop. However it was like Mike didn’t hear him. He kept hitting himself despite Harvey’s attempts. When he tried to grab Mike’s arm he felt the force behind each punch. Mike was using all the force he had with each hit and he managed to get in several more of them before Harvey got a good enough grip to stop him.

Mike was not having it though, he fought with all he had against Harvey’s grip. He pushed his upper body both back and forth to get away. He threw himself to the side all the while that he was screaming out his frustration and despair. Harvey managed to hold on to him though. He pressed Mike’s trembling body against himself. The kid’s chest was heaving and he screamed that he wanted Harvey to let him go. Harvey couldn’t do that though.

“No, Mike. No.” He whispered and held on.

It was like Mike gave up then because his body became limp in Harvey’s arms and he leaned his head forward and just cried heartbreakingly. Harvey had his own tears in his eyes. This was just so awful. He thought about the force Mike had used to hurt himself like that. There had to be bruising, it just had to.

“Mike…” He mumbled.

Mike heard his name being said by Harvey. Harvey just wouldn’t let him go. What was he doing? Mike didn’t understand.

“It’s your fault. It’s your fault. This is your fault.” He could barely speak. He didn’t know if Harvey understood what he was saying. He was crying so hard. He tried to hit Harvey, to push him away, but Harvey still held him. He didn’t answer.

“Let me go! Just let me go. I don’t want to.” He said. He didn’t even know what he didn’t want. Harvey didn’t listen. He shushed him. Mike cried some more.

He was in so much pain now. His whole upper body ached. His head, his jaw, and both of his arms. But worst was the pain inside of him. He wanted that to go away. He would gladly have doubled the physical pain if he just could get rid of the pain inside. That wasn’t happening though.

Mike just kept crying and Harvey kept his hold of him. He hoped that it would help somehow. Maybe it could get Mike to just relax a little. Mike had said that it had been his fault, and now he couldn’t get it out of his brain. He wasn’t sure if Mike meant the current situation they were in or if he meant more. But he felt like the kid was right. This was his fault. He had been wrong. He had caused this. He saw that Mike’s wallet was on the floor. He wondered what had happened, how Mike had ended up there on the floor.

Neither of them knew how long they stayed like that, but eventually Mike’s cries slowed down a little. Harvey carefully tried to loosen his grip a little.

“We are going back inside.” He said into Mike’s ear. The kid didn’t react so Harvey took it as a yes. He took a hold of Mike’s shoulders and got in front of him. Mike looked terrible. He was still crying softly and refused to meet Harvey’s eyes. Harvey nodded a little and got up on one knee. He managed to get the wheelchair standing with one hand as held Mike up with the other. He then reach over and lifted Mike off the ground. He carefully placed him in the wheelchair, picked up the wallet and pushed Mike back inside.

“Do you want to sit on the couch?” He asked.

“No.” Mike mumbled.

“Can I get you anything?”

Mike shook his head that he had turned against his lap. Harvey nodded a little and pulled out a chair and sat down in front of Mike.

“Are you hurt?” He asked next.

Mike nodded then. “Yeah.” He said hoarsely.

“You want to tell me where?” Harvey asked, but Mike didn’t answer. Harvey choose not to push him right now.

“Are you cold?” He asked instead. “You want me to get you a blanket?”

Mike nodded. He trembled.

Harvey got up and got a blanket from the couch and wrapped it around Mike’s back. He stroked his shoulders a few times before sitting down again. Mike wouldn’t look at him. Harvey drew a deep breath. This was so hard. He had been in court hundreds of times and never been practically nervous, but this was different. He felt very nervous this time and felt like whatever he said now wouldn’t be enough. Mike really needed help but Harvey wasn’t sure that he could provide what Mike needed right now. He didn’t even know what that was.

“I’m sorry.” He decided to start with that.

“No.” Mike said.

“Okay.” Harvey said. Obviously that didn’t work.

“I think we maybe should talk Mike.”

“Like I have choice.”

“Of course you have a choice, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. But I think we should.”

“Right. And if I don’t want to, what will you do then?”

Okay, he deserved that. Harvey couldn’t help but close his eyes for a few seconds.

“I won’t do anything Mike.”

“Oh, thank you so much Harvey! So you won’t throw me out again, is that what you are saying?”

Mike was angry and upset. He had this need to argue, he wanted to scream at Harvey, he wanted him to hurt. To hurt just like he was hurting. He felt so humiliated. He was aware of how he had behaved just a few minutes earlier. He had been crazy, insane. He hadn’t wanted Harvey to see him like that. He hadn’t, and he was mad at Harvey because he had. Now he did his best in trying to fight, but Harvey didn’t argue back, instead he just nodded.

“I’m not going to throw you out. I shouldn’t have done that in the first place.”

“No, you shouldn’t have! You know my situation. Why did you?!” Mike was yelling again.

Harvey wouldn’t look at him now, he just shook his head. So Mike continued.

“Do you think I would be here if I could go home? Do you think I would want to be here when you want nothing to do with me? If I had any other option?”

“No…” Harvey weakly said.

“No! I wouldn’t!” Mike yelled in his face. “I don’t want to be here! I hate you!”

“I’m sorry for what I…” Harvey started. Mike ignored him. He was shaking. He didn’t want to do this anymore.

“I don’t want to!” he screamed noticing that Harvey flinched.

“I don’t want this! I wish he would have hit me harder! I don’t want to be here. I have nothing! I  _am_  nothing!” He shook the blanket off him. “I want it to end!” He exclaimed. He didn’t care what Harvey thought about him anymore. Screw Harvey! He hid his face in his hand and cried. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know where those words came from but at the moment they were true.

Harvey’s heart was beating too fast and too hard in his chest. What was the kid saying? _Oh no, oh no, oh no_. Harvey didn’t know what to do. How should he deal with this? What were you supposed to say? What if he said something wrong and made it all worse? Should he call for help? Donna, or maybe even 911? Did you call them if someone said that they wanted it to end? No, what was he thinking. It would not help Mike if he called someone else to deal with him. It would make it worse. Mike would think that Harvey just wanted to get rid of him.

Had all of this been his fault? Mike had said that much. Maybe not all, but the set of events that transpired tonight set it all off. He was sure of that at least. Something burst for Mike out there in the hallway.

Mike was heartbroken. He was frustrated, upset and scared. He wanted to give up. Harvey had to stop him from feeling like that. He needed to do something now. He started by moving his chair a little closer to the kid.

“I’m really sorry Mike.” He said then. He needed to say something. “I’m sorry about tonight and I’m so sorry that you got paralyzed. I wish I would have been able to stop that, but I wasn’t and it happened.”

Mike ignored him. At least didn’t show in any way that he was listening. He continued like before.

“I’m not going to say that I understand how you are feeling, but I know how I would feel. But I want you to know that you are not nothing. This doesn’t define who you are.”

“But…but you said it yourself.” Mike said then brokenly. “No one wants to be around me anymore. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I should never had said that. I was angry…”

“At me!”

“Well, yes at you. You were…” Harvey stopped. It wasn’t good to go into that now. Not now when Mike was actually talking to him.

“I get that you are angry Mike. I get that. It’s still new, all of this.” He mentioned for a wheelchair. “It must be hard to deal with.”

“You think!” Mike spat out. “I hate it!” And he hit at the chair a bit. Harvey nodded. He was building up the guts to ask one question that he dreaded the answer to.

“Mike, I want to ask you something.”

“Do it then!”

“You…You said that you want it to end.” He saw how Mike jerked a little. “What did you mean by that?” He carefully asked. This whole time Mike hadn’t looked at him, but now he did. His eyes were red and wide.

He shrugged a bit.

“Do you want to die Mike?”

Mike shook his head a little. “Yeah, no… I don’t know.” He whispered. “I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“How do you feel?”

Tears yet again started streaming down Mike’s face. At first Harvey didn’t think he would say anything, but then he spoke.

“Like…like I have nothing anymore, that I am nothing. Like I’m all alone. Like I am just a burden that no one wants to deal with.”

Harvey nodded and waited.

“I… I have a hard time dealing with this Harvey. I don’t want to adjust to it. I want it to never have happened. I want to go back to before. I want my legs back. I can’t do this.” He swallowed and continued. Harvey let him.

“Do you know how humiliating it felt when you just pushed me out the door? I couldn’t do anything about it. I can’t do shit. And I don’t have anywhere to go. Rachel doesn’t want me and Grammy is dead. And you just made it worse!”

“What do you mean?” Harvey asked.

“What do you think? You threw me out. And you are the only one…” he stopped and looked down. Harvey waited for him to continue.

“Why couldn’t you have just given me my wallet?” Mike asked next throwing Harvey off.

“But Mike I did…”

“No, you didn’t. You threw it at me. I couldn’t catch it and then I couldn’t reach it. I fell out of this thing and I couldn’t get back up. Do you know what that felt like?” Mike let out a few sobs. He couldn’t help it now when he thought back on the incident. Harvey just shook his head. He was pale and spoke unusually little.

“I couldn’t get anywhere. I was fucking useless!”

Harvey could only nod again. “I’m sorry.” He said.

“I need help with everything. I can’t get off the floor by myself. You know, what if you hadn’t come? I would have been laying there until tomorrow! Damn it!” He sobbed a little.

“I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life, I just don’t! It’s humiliating as hell to have someone else help you get dressed. I hate it!”

Mike angrily wiped his face. He continued a bit calmer.

“And also it feels like you don’t really want to deal with me at times, like I’m disgusting or something. I feel in a way that you don’t want me here not really. And I get it! You never asked for this! You always claimed you don’t care about me anyway. Why would you want to help me with things like this?”

“Mike, that’s not true.”

Mike didn’t look at him and just shrugged.

“And even if I get used to all of this, things will never be the same again. People will treat me differently. They will look down on me. And at work, who will care about what I’m saying from now on? No one! I’ll just be the guy in a wheelchair.”

Harvey sighed. It was hard to hear all of this. Poor kid.

"Mike, it doesn’t matter if you are in a wheelchair. Who cares? I don’t. And besides, people don’t know your story, what you have been through. No one deserves to judge you, send them my way if they do. Okay? And you matter just as much now that as you did before. You are worth just as much. Do you hear me?”

Mike just stared down at his legs.

“And you are wrong when you think that I don’t want you here. I do want you here. And I don’t mind helping you. I don’t.”

Mike had his eyes closed now but Harvey knew that he was listening. Harvey continued.

“You are right that things won’t be the same again. A lot of things will be hard for you from now on. It’s just the way it is, and I am truly sorry about that. And I’m also very sorry about what happened earlier. It’s all on me. You were right. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

“I didn’t mean that it was all your fault. I know I was an ass. I’m just…”

“Struggling.”

“Yeah…”

“And I know that you are. I’m supposed to help you not make things worse for you, but that’s what I did today. That’s unforgivable and I’ll try and make it up to you.”

Mike nodded. He yet again buried his face in his hand. He was so tired, and he didn’t seem to be able to stop those damn tears.

“Mike, things are going to get better.” Harvey said. “You have to give yourself some time. It’s still new. And as soon as your arm heals you’ll be able to get around easier. And kid, who knows, maybe it’s not permanent.”

“Right.”

Harvey leaned forward and patted his back a bit. “It’ll be okay.”

Mike didn’t react. It tore at Harvey’s heart to see that he was still crying. He was still so upset that he wasn’t able to fully control his emotions. It was like he tried but then something occurred to him that made him feel worse again. Maybe some sleep was what he needed. Rest and an opportunity to calm down.

“You must be exhausted.” Harvey said. “Let’s get you to bed.” Harvey felt all shaky when he stood up. He walked up to Mike and grabbed the handles. “Is it okay?” He asked and Mike nodded.

Harvey decided right then to just take the kid to his own bed. It was more comfortable and it was in a bit more opened area. Harvey would be able to keep an eye on him there. Mike didn’t say a word as Harvey steered him over to the bed.

"Do you want to change?” Harvey asked when he parked Mike in front of it.

“Do you mean if I want you to change my clothes? No, no I don’t want that.” The anger was back in Mike’s voice.

Harvey just nodded. He pushed the covers to the side and then turned back to Mike. He made an attempt to lift Mike of the chair, but Mike pushed him away.

“No!” He exclaimed. “No I don’t want you to.”

Harvey felt awful. He didn’t know what to do. “How do you want to do it then Mike?” He asked.

“I don’t know.” Mike let out a few sobs and hid his face in his hand. He then looked at the bed with something that almost looked like fear. They remained like that for a minute. Mike let out a moan and started to cry a bit louder.

“Okay. Just do it!” He then said.

He was tense and didn’t help at all when Harvey lifted him. He turned his head away as soon as Harvey had put him down. Harvey put the cover over him and tucked him in without a word. He then stood up and looked down at Mike.

“Ehm… do you… Are you alright?” he asked. “I mean…” he didn’t even know what he meant. Mike had yet to stop crying. He was so far from alright that Harvey had ever seen him. Mike didn’t answer him.

“I’ll just…” Harvey started to back away, but Mike’s voice stopped him.

“Nooo…” he mumbled. “W-Why… why do you… have to leave?” He asked. When Harvey looked at him Mike was not looking into his eyes, his hand was holding on tight on the cover. He looked devastated. Which he most likely was.

“I don’t…I don’t want you to go.” He said as new tears ran down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

Harvey shook his head and stepped closer again. “No, Mike…”

“I’m sorry.” Mike whispered. “I’m sorry, Harvey. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to go. Please.”

“I won’t Mike.” Harvey sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed Mike’s hand. Mike moaned a little then.

“It hurts.” He said.

“What hurts?”

“My hand.” Mike whispered. Harvey let go, but looked closer at Mike’s hand. It was a bit swollen.

“Damn it Mike.” He mumbled. “I’ll be right back, okay.”

He went and found something cold to put on the kids hand. He was a bit shaky. Mike was staring at nothing, still with a tear drenched face. However he watched as Harvey carefully tended to his hand.

“You really did a number on yourself there. How is your legs?” Harvey said. It was the wrong thing to say because Mike turned his head away and his body started to shake.

“I’m sorry.” Harvey said. “What can I do Mike?”

“I don’t know.” Mike quietly said and drew a hitching breath. “Help me.”

“I’m trying to help you Mike.”

“Well, you are not.”

Harvey nodded. “Apparently not. How about I lay down beside you?” He said without even thinking about it. But Mike nodded.

So that’s how they ended up on Harvey’s bed, side by side. Neither of them spoke. Mike was slowly starting to calm down, breath by breath. After a few minutes Harvey deemed it safe to speak again.

“You doing a little better?” he asked.

Mike nodded. “Yeah, thanks.” He whispered.

“Are you in pain?” Harvey asked.

Mike shrugged a little.

“I was thinking if you hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair earlier.”

“This one hurts a bit.” Mike mentioned for his broken arm. “And my head.”

“Did you hit it when you fell?” Harvey sat up.

“Only a little. It’s more of a headache. Probably from the crying…”

“I’ll get you something.” Harvey left and came back a few minutes later. Mike tried to look him in the eye. He felt so embarrassed now. Harvey was standing over him with a glass of water.

“You want to sit up?”

When he did with some effort, Harvey handed him two pills and the glass of water. Harvey held on to the glass while he drank. Mike didn’t say anything about it. But that small gesture made him feel bad. He couldn’t drink by himself. Harvey surprised him when he laid down again, by putting the cover back over him. Harvey’s hand then came to rest on top of his head and he then placed a hand along Mike’s face. They had eye contact the entire time. Harvey’s thumb gently brushed a few tears away from his eye lashes.

Mike just looked up at him. Harvey smiled then and for the first time Mike felt slightly better. He smiled back. At least a little.

Harvey felt himself relax a little when the kid smiled back at him. At least he was pretty sure that it was a smile.

He returned to his spot next to Mike again. He noticed how Mike turned his head to look at him. He met Mike’s eyes.

“You…” Mike started, but stopped looking both hesitant and a bit scared. Harvey smiled a little again.

“You really think I’ll be okay?” he asked in a small voice that made Harvey’s eyes burn a bit all of a sudden.

“I do.” He said, putting effort behind his tone to sound confident.

“But I feel so helpless. Useless.”

“You are not though, kid. I get that it feels like that, but you are not. You are strong Mike.”

“Sure, I am. I’ve been crying the whole day.”

“I felt how hard you can hit. Determination like that and nothing can stop you.”

Mike smile a little at that. “You are an ass.” He said.

Harvey shook his head a little. “You are not helpless Mike. You will be fine. There will just be things that might be a bit harder for you, that’s all. And you are most definitely not useless. You are still the same person as you were before. Nothing has changed in that.”

He quieted and waited for Mike’s reaction to his words.

“Thank you Harvey.” He just said.

“You will never be useless to me.” Harvey said, smirking. “Except maybe if you hit your head as well. We will have to see then.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“I mean it though.”

“Thanks.”

They were quiet for some time. Both laying on their backs looking up at the ceiling. Then Mike spoke again. Quietly and a bit hesitant as if he was afraid of how Harvey was going to react.

“You are my best friend Harvey.”

“And here I thought we were family.” Harvey answered him.

“Really?” Mike whispered.

“Of course, kid.”

Mike sighed a bit. Harvey then felt how Mike’s arm touched him. He smiled to himself and lightly placed his hand over Mike’s, cast and all.

“Good night.” Mike whispered a few minutes later.

Harvey squeezed his fingers a bit. “Good night Mike.”

Harvey laid there as frozen. He didn’t want to move to startle Mike. He wanted the kid to sleep. He needed Mike to sleep. He still had his hand over Mike’s. He was pretty sure that he had managed to help the kid somehow. But this evening had been really eventful, not to say traumatic. He felt so sorry for Mike. His life had really been destroyed and somehow Harvey hadn’t really realized to what extent. The assault he had been through hadn’t just damaged Mike’s body, but also his mind.

The kid had said that he wanted it to end. Harvey couldn’t get that image of Mike saying those words out of his mind. It was just awful. His Mike, saying those things. He had spoken the truth when he told Mike that they were family. Mike was like a little brother to him. Someone he needed to protect and take care of. Now more than ever he realized. He would have to do better by Mike from now on. He just had to.  

_-SUITS-_

Mike must have been exhausted because he slept through the night without waking up. Harvey didn’t have the same luck. He tried to fall asleep but couldn’t relax. The day’s events were just too fresh in his mind and he wasn’t able to relax. About two in the morning he gave up and carefully got up and went to get his laptop. He then spent about two hours reading up on spinal cord injuries and the aftermath of them. He read that depression was common and he recognized the symptoms in Mike. He needed to take better care of the kid, because as it said, Mike might not be able to do it himself. He needed to assure Mike that he wasn’t alone. It turned out to be harder than he thought.

Mike woke up around six in the morning when Harvey had gotten about two hours of sleep. Harvey woke up from his groans.

“What’s…what’s up?” He mumbled, still not fully awake.

“It hurts…” Mike slurred. He sounded a bit surprised.

“What hurts?” Harvey sat up and drew a hand over his face. It was so early.

“My arm.” Mike said. “The broken one. “

“Okay. I’ll just get you some painkillers then.”

“It hurts a lot.” Mike said after Harvey had helped him with the pills.

“It’ll pass. Try and get some more sleep.”

Harvey was successful in falling asleep again. Mike wasn’t. His arm ached like crazy and no matter what he did it didn’t ease up. He strongly suspected that it was something wrong with it after the incident last night. It wouldn’t surprise him, after all he had slammed it into the ground as hard as he could, not once but twice. He had himself to blame. He had been an idiot. He had embarrassed himself in front of Harvey and not just a little but a lot. He had acted like a crazy person. But he hadn’t cared and now he didn’t want to think about it. It made him feel bad. Really bad. In fact he felt like crying again now.

What was he supposed to do now? He was in Harvey’s bed. Harvey had helped him yesterday and for a short while there he had felt comforted and reassured that he could make it through this. That feeling was totally gone now. If he had been able to now, he had walked off. Left the bed and Harvey’s presence. He wished that he could. For an intense moment it was all he wished for. But it was impossible to him. He was trapped here. All of his actions were dependent on Harvey. He could do nothing without Harvey. That scared him. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the other things that happened yesterday. How Harvey had pushed him out, how he had resisted in vain, and what happened after that. He remembered asking Harvey how he could do it to him and Harvey had immediately answered that it was easy. It had been easy for Harvey to throw him out like that.

Sure he could understand that Harvey had been mad at him, he had been rude and ungrateful but still, Harvey’s reaction frightened him. What was stopping him from doing it again? Nothing.

He couldn’t stop the tears that came in his eyes. He closed his eyes but that didn’t help. His arm still ached. The painkillers hadn’t helped yet. It still hurt too much for him to fall back asleep. So he just laid there and cried quietly to himself. He felt so pathetic. He hated himself. He wished he could pass out, fall asleep so that he didn’t have to think.

He didn’t know how long passed. His tears didn’t stop and neither did the pain in his arm. In fact it worsened and soon he wasn’t sure if he was crying because how bad he felt or because of the pain. Harvey just slept oblivious to his distress. This was how his life would be like now. It made him cry harder. He wished he had some tissues. Should he just wake Harvey up? No he couldn’t do that. Not like this. He needed to get himself under control first. He just didn’t see how that would happen.

_-SUITS-_


	12. Chapter 12

Harvey wasn’t sure what woke him up. He just knew that it was something that did. He blinked a few times and stretched out a bit. He felt more rested now. He looked towards his side and saw that Mike was very much awake. He was crying. He was just laying there on his back with the cover in a tight grip over his chest. His broken arm was laying rigid next to him. He was shaking with quiet sobs and hadn’t noticed that Harvey was awake.

“Mike! What’s wrong?” Harvey quickly sat up.

Mike jerked in surprise and slapped his hand over his face as if to hide his state from Harvey. He moaned.

“Nothing.”

“Yeah, you want to try that again?”

Mike just shook his head and Harvey felt a kind of desperate frustration.

“Mike just tell me what it is?”

Mike mumbled something that Harvey couldn’t make out. He signed and carefully removed Mike’s hand from his face. The kid looked terrible. Mike was tense in his grip and Harvey noticed that he tried to get lose. He let go.

“Talk to me.” He said.

“My arm still hurts.” Mike said then.

“Shit! Is it that bad? You should have woken me Mike!”

Mike didn’t answer.

“Let me see.”

Mike didn’t move.

“There is nothing to see. The cast is in the way.”

Harvey nodded. “I’ll get dressed and we’ll go to the hospital.” He got up from the bed and heard how Mike groaned again. He was back by the bed three minutes later. Mike hadn’t moved an inch.

“Come on kid. I’ll help you. How is your other hand?”

“Better.” He still didn’t move and had his eyes closed. There were still traces of tears there, but it seemed like he had been able to pull himself together a bit.

“Mike, can you sit up?”

He didn’t react and Harvey felt a little annoyed.

“Mike, I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Mike opened his eyes then and Harvey was a bit taken a back at his expression. The annoyance was gone, and it was then Harvey knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.

“Hey…” he said. Mike looked devastated. “It’ll be okay.”

Mike moaned as Harvey helped him to sit up. He was in a lot of pain and would have preferred to just stay where he was but that wasn’t an option right now. He felt so embarrassed as well, he hated the fact that Harvey saw him like this.

“Alright,” Harvey said and got the wheelchair closer to the bed. “Do you want to change clothes, or should we just go?”

“Go.” His voice was hoarse.

“Okay.” Harvey looked a bit unsure. “Here we go then.” Mike didn’t look at him and clenched his teeth when Harvey lifted him over to the chair. He hated it. Harvey put him too much to the front, but he didn’t say anything.

Harvey again assured him that it would be fine when they were in the elevator down.

Harvey parked Mike on the street and tried to get a cab. One pulled up to the side after a minute and Harvey went for Mike. The chauffeur got out then.

“Sorry. I’m not handicapped equipped.” He said and shook his head. And Mike felt like he wanted to be sick.

“Come on!” Harvey angrily exclaimed. Mike just looked down. Harvey went to the door to open it, but the driver repeated what he just said.

“Let’s go back inside Harvey.” Mike said behind him. “I don’t want to go.” His voice was shaking in a way Harvey had never heard it do before. Mike didn’t look at him.

“Get the hell away!” He told the cab driver and turned all his attention to Mike. He sank down to be in his height.

“He was an idiot.“ He said firmly. He needed to calm Mike down, he was pale and shaking.

“I don’t want to go Harvey! I don’t. I want to go inside. I don’t want to go.”

Harvey watched his distressed face. He had never seen Mike like this before.

“I know, kid. I know. But Mike, listen to me.” He was interrupted.

“You can’t force me. You can’t!”

“And I won’t. But listen.” He took Mike’s hand in his, just to calm him.

Mike nodded a little and squeezed Harvey’s hand.

“Your arm is hurting right? And we need to make sure nothing is wrong with it. You know that.”

Mike shook his head. “No, it will be fine. I don’t care. I’ll just…”

“I think we should go Mike.” He waited, looking into Mike’s eyes.

“We? You’ll be there?”

“Of course I will.”

“And I don’t have to stay there?”

Harvey shook his head hoping he wasn’t lying now.

“You don’t have to stay there.”

“And… and you will be there?” Mike refused to look at him now.

“And I will be there.”

“Okay.” Mike breathed then after a moment of hesitation.

“Good.” Harvey said.

He managed to get another cab; whose driver didn’t say anything when Harvey carried Mike over to his seat.

At the hospital Mike was taken to get x-rays. The younger man was quiet and would look at Harvey with wide, shiny eyes.

They got to wait in a small room for the results. Mike looked terrible, like he was constantly fighting against tears and it didn’t matter what Harvey said, the look in his eyes wouldn’t go away.

Harvey had asked him if he was okay and Mike shook his head without a word. A doctor came a while later.

“So, Mr. Ross I have checked the results of your x-rays and it looks like your cast has shifted a bit causing your discomfort. Do you know what happened?”

Mike nodded and the doctor waited for him to continue. Mike stared at the floor. He didn’t want to say what he had done. They would think he was crazy, and maybe they would force him to stay then. Maybe take him to the psych ward. He glanced at Harvey who nodded a little at him. Harvey had said that he was going home with him again.

“I hit it on the floor.” He said. His voice was horse and it didn’t sound like him.

“That must have been with a lot of force then, did you fall out of the chair or how did that happen?”

“No, I did it on purpose.” He said quietly as he stared at the floor. He was aware of that the doctor and Harvey exchanged a look.

“I was angry.” He added like that would explain it all. To his surprise the doctor was satisfied with that and explained that they would have to redo the cast.

The whole thing was a painful process. The old cast had to be removed which wasn’t pleasant, then a new one was put on. While a nurse was working on that the doctor asked to have a word with Harvey.  

Mike saw him walk towards the door and felt unexplainably panic rise in him. He didn’t care that he was pathetic and acting like a child, but he didn’t want Harvey to leave! He had said that he would be there.

“Harvey!” he called out. Harvey did stop and looked towards him.

“Yeah?”

“Where are you going?” he sounded stupid.

“I’m just going to have a word with your doctor. I’ll be right back.” Then he left the room and Mike was alone with the nurse.

“No.” he mumbled.

“What’s that?” the nurse asked.

“He said that he would be here.” Mike whispered. “He said he would. He said.”

The nurse smiled a bit at him. “I’m sure your friend will be back soon.” She said.

Mike didn’t say anything else. He wanted to cry again. He wished he was alone. Or he wished Harvey would come back and take with him away from here. What if he wouldn’t come back now? What if he took the chance to leave Mike behind? No, Harvey wouldn’t do that. He would come back. He had to.

“Do you need to take a break?” the nurse asked then. She leaned away from him and then handed him a tissue. He realized that he had tears in his eyes and felt how he blushed. He clumsily wiped his eyes and then she continued.

He still felt like crap when Harvey stepped inside again. He had managed to keep himself together though. Seeing Harvey again made it harder though.

“How are you feeling?” Harvey asked him but Mike just shrugged.

“I see your arm is done. So, do you want to get out of here then?”

“Yes.” Mike said. The doctor came back inside then.

“Hallo Mike. I see that you are finished. There is one thing that I would like to talk to you about.”

“Okay.”

“I’m just concerned about how you are feeling at the moment…”

“Okay.” Mike said.

“I just wanted you to know that we have the opportunity to help you here. We can transfer you to one of our other facilities today actually. You would get some help over there if you are interested.”

Mike felt how he went cold inside, and the panic once again took hold of him. He completely ignored the doctor in favor of looking at Harvey.

“You said… you said that I wouldn’t have to stay. You said! You said I could come with you back home. To your place. You said I could!”

He couldn’t stop the tears now. But he didn’t care. This wasn’t happening! He couldn’t stay! His chest felt tight and he tensed.

But Harvey raised his hands when he saw Mike’s reaction.

“I know Mike, I know. And nobody is forcing you to stay here. It’s just an option for you.”

“I don’t want to!” He almost yelled.

“Yes, I know. That’s why we are going home now, okay? It will be fine.” Harvey was smiling at him, but Mike couldn’t smile back. There was no joy inside of him. He looked at the doctor for confirmation and he nodded a little.

“Sure. Just know that if you feel the need there is help to get here, Mike.”

Mike nodded stiffly and looked back at Harvey. He started to get him to the wheelchair and the nurse helped Harvey get him on it.

“So, Mike, I would like to make an appointment for you then to come back in about four weeks so that we can remove your cast and look at the healing of your arm.”

“What?” Mike exclaimed. “Four weeks? No, that’s not right.”

“Unfortunately, after your incident now your arm needs more time to heal.”

“But four more weeks… I can’t…” he had to bite his lip. He wanted to burst out in a crying fit at the same time as he felt like throwing up. Four more weeks. What had he done to himself? This was all his fault. His own fault. He had been so stupid. Now he was paying the price with four more weeks of total helplessness.

“Yes. Four more weeks should be enough for your arm to heal properly. It will take a bit longer now than originally since we had to redo the cast.”

Mike just nodded. Harvey didn’t say anything either. They left shortly after that. When they got back to the apartment all Mike wanted to do was lay down and preferably pass out. He really felt like shit and didn’t trust himself at the moment not to freak out again. Harvey had another idea though.

“You should really eat something.” He said. Mike shook his head.

“No, I want to lay down.”

“Yeah, but I think we should eat something first.”

Once again Mike shook his head. “I’m not going to.”

Harvey sighed and watched the younger man. He could tell that Mike was on the edge, of what he wasn’t sure of, but it was something there. He decided to give in.

“Fine.” He helped Mike over to his bed and draped the cover over him. Mike didn’t look at him. He was tense and trembled a bit now and then. Harvey felt so sorry for him.

“Do you want to talk?” He carefully asked. Mike jerkily shook his head.

“I… I want to be alone.” He whispered.

Harvey nodded and told him he would be outside. “Just call for me if there is anything. I’ll check up on you in a while.”

He didn’t like to leave the kid alone like that. Mike had gotten extremely bad news just now. At least that was what it must feel like for the kid.

Their trip to the hospital had not been a good one. He almost didn’t recognize Mike. He was so different now compared to just yesterday and Harvey found it hard how to deal with him. For now, he would leave him be. At least he had managed to get the kid home again. The doctor at the hospital had expressed concerns about self-harm in Mike and had wanted to admit him. Harvey had flat out refused. There was no way he could do that to Mike. Sure, maybe he needed it, needed more help, but not like this. He feared that he would have lost Mike’s trust in him forever if he had let that happen. Right now Harvey was all Mike had and if he too pushed him away again he fear that would be too much for the younger man.

The self-harm comment worried him though. He needed to keep a close eye on Mike. He needed to figure out how to help him. Mike was spiraling and Harvey needed to get to him before he went too deep. Just last night Mike had said that he wanted it to end. Harvey felt cold at the thought of it.

He found himself walking over to his office where Mike slept and listen outside the closed door. He didn’t hear anything. But he still stood there.

_-SUITS-_

Mike just laid there on his back on the bed. His broken arm throbbed but he refused to move it. It almost felt like it wasn’t a part of him, and he almost wished that it wasn’t. It was just like his legs now, another part of his body that was just there without any function. It felt like he was turning to stone piece by piece.

There was just that one part of him didn’t change and that was his mind and his feelings. They were more alive than ever. He didn’t think he ever had felt this much before, this strongly. He wished that this part of him would shut off too because he really could do without it. He didn’t want to feel like he did now. He wanted it to stop but didn’t have a clue on how to make that into a reality. The best thing would be sleep, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to right now. He just had too many thoughts in his head to be able to relax enough. He started to regret that he had told Harvey that he wanted to be alone, because he didn’t want to be anymore. However, he couldn’t force himself to call Harvey back. The humiliation prevented him from it. He had embarrassed himself enough for a lifetime during the last 24 hours. He didn't know what to do with himself now.

He couldn’t fall asleep like his initial plan had been. The main reason now being that he was really hungry. The thought of food soon overwhelmed him and took over most of the other thought he had. Actually, he found it as a bit of a relief, almost so much so that he considered not doing anything about it. If he was this hungry then the hunger would be the only thing on his mind, and he wouldn’t have to focus on anything else. But soon he realized that this idea was kind of absurd. What was he doing? Then he realized that to get something to eat he needed to ask Harvey.

Immediately a new set of emotions rushed over him. He had already told Harvey that he didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to change his mind, he couldn’t. The last time he had, Harvey had been angry with him. Or if not angry at least annoyed. Mike didn’t want that. He couldn’t take it even. What if he called for the older man and he didn’t show up? Or what if he came and was angry? Or what if he came but refused to help him? What would he do then? He couldn’t do anything.

Fear started to rise in him. He resented it, but also couldn’t help it. What if Harvey refused to help him? Or what if Harvey got so mad at him again that he threw him out again. The thought made him so afraid. He tried to think rationally, tried to tell himself that Harvey wouldn’t. Harvey had apologized for doing what he did yesterday, but that wasn’t a guarantee. He needed to be more careful. He needed to not make Harvey angry. If he just stayed out of Harvey’s way as much as he could then everything would be alright.

The problem with that was that he was dependent on Harvey with pretty much everything for at least another four weeks. He needed Harvey to help him until his arm was healed. Again, he cursed himself for being so stupid last night. He was so stupid all the time. He had driven Rachel away, he had made Harvey become so angry at him that he had told Mike all sorts of things. Harvey had said that no one wanted to be around him from how he behaved. He hadn’t meant to push them all away, but that was what he had done. Now they wanted nothing to do with him anymore. It just hurt.

He was so hungry that he had trouble thinking. His stomach hurt. Could he call for Harvey or should he just wait? It was the fear of Harvey not coming that just made it so terrible. Soon Mike was convinced that he wouldn’t show up, that he wasn’t going to come. Mike didn’t know what to do then. He needed food but he wasn’t going to get any. It just got too much for him then. He tried to stop it but couldn’t and he started to cry. It all felt ten times worse then.

_-SUITS-_

On the other side of the door Harvey couldn’t help but walk back and forth. He struggled with himself, on one hand he wanted to respect Mike’s wishes and let him be by himself to calm down for a bit. But then on the other hand he just wanted to walk inside the room and make sure that Mike was okay.

He made a few attempts of getting some work done and finally sent an answer back to Donna. She had texted him twice and tried calling. He explained briefly what had happened mentioning nothing about the reason for Mike’s new injury. He just couldn’t deal with that right now.

On the fifth lap he did outside Mike’s door he thought he could hear a faint sound. It sounded like it was Mike who made them. Whatever it was it wouldn’t be anything good. Harvey hesitated for just a moment before he opened the door and peeked inside.

“Mike?”

It was dark in the room and he couldn’t see Mike’s features clearly, he heard him panting though. “Everything okay?” He asked.

“No.” Mike got out eventually. He had tried for a while to force it all down and make his voice steady, but he wasn’t that successful. He was relieved though, because Harvey was really here. Harvey had asked him if everything was okay and he just went with the truth. He wasn’t going to be able to fool Harvey anyway when he was crying like this. He had stopped though, but Harvey must have heard him and that was the reason to why he was there. He felt so pathetic. It was hard to breathe.

“Is there something I can do?” Harvey asked now. And it was, it really was.

"I'm just...I'm just hungry.” Mike got out, surprising Harvey. That was not what he expected. He had thought that Mike was in pain or maybe that he was upset about the hospital visit or about last night or maybe Rachel, but the kid said he was hungry.

“Oh.” Harvey said. “Of course you are. I’ll get you something then.” He left the door open and hurried to the kitchen. He opened the fridge having already decided to go with something fast. He settled for making a sandwich. He could order them something later. If the hunger had driven Mike to the point of crying anything would be fine. He felt guilty now as well, he should have insisted earlier that Mike would have eaten something. Or he should have made him something and put in his room. But he had thought that he did the right thing when he respected Mike’s wishes. But hell, the last time Mike ate must have been either lunch or maybe even breakfast the day before.

He hurried back into Mike’s room with the sandwich and found Mike exactly as he had left him.

“I have a sandwich here that you can start with. Ehm, you want something to drink as well. I’ll get it.” He placed the place on the table next to the bed.

Mike looked after him but then focused all his attention at the plate with the sandwich on it. He reached for it and immediately got frustrated when he was unable to grab it. He swore and tried again. He groaned as he forced his body up to half sitting and made another attempt.

“What are you going on about?” He heard Harvey calling from somewhere. Where was he? Why did he just leave the plate where he couldn’t get it? Was it intentional? No, it couldn’t be. Harvey wasn’t cruel. But it kind of felt like he was now, when Mike couldn’t reach the food.

He decided to just try with his other hand, the one in the cast. It didn’t work of course and just as Harvey stepped back into the room the plate fell onto the floor from Mike’s failed attempt to get a grip on it.

Both of them stared at the sandwich as it rolled a few times and ended up close to Harvey’s feet. Instant panic filled Mike then. _No, no, no!_ He stared at the sandwich and then up at Harvey. What had he done? Without him being able to stop it tears filled his eyes yet again and his breathing sped up.

“I’m sorry.” He said. ”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” His voice broke pathetically, and he wanted to disappear. He was just scared.

Harvey put the glass of water down and then silently bent down to picked up both sandwich and plate. Mike looked at him the entire time. He had the cover in a hard grip and could feel how tears trailed down his cheek, but he was too frozen in place to bother to wipe them away.

“It’s okay.” Harvey said then. He looked at Mike and made a move to walk out but he couldn’t really make himself take the next step as he saw the look on Mike’s face. He looked so scared and devastated that Harvey almost felt at a loss on how to fix this.

“I want it.” Mike said next, his gaze transfixed at the sandwich.

“No, it’s been on the floor, it’s dirty.”

Mike still wouldn’t look away from the damn sandwich as Harvey tried to catch his eyes. What Mike said next broke him a little.

”Please…” Mike whispered. ”Please Harvey, it doesn’t matter. I’ll eat it anyway. It doesn’t matter. I’m…I’m just… I’m hungry.”

”Mike, hey, calm down. You are not going to eat food off the floor. I’ll get you something else. I’ll make you another one. Just give me one minute.” And with that he rushed out of the room. While he was buttering the new sandwich, he noticed that his hands were shaking.

When he returned Mike had stopped crying but still refused to look Harvey in the eyes. He was shaking as well. Harvey put the plate down and carefully helped Mike to sit up and prop him up against a few pillows. He took a moment to squeeze Mike’s shoulder and then placed the plate in his lap. Mike whispered a thank you and then started eating. Harvey sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I’m never going to let you go hungry Mike.” He said and Mike’s eyes fluttered towards his then, but he didn’t say anything.

“I got the impression that you thought I would.”

“Yeah…” Mike mumbled between bites.

”Did you think that I would?” Harvey pressed.

“I don’t know Harvey. I was just… I don’t know. I was so hungry, and I thought you would be…”

“Be what?”

“Angry. You know…yesterday…” Mike just couldn’t get the words out. He didn’t want to tell Harvey any of this. And now Harvey was looking at him with a weird expression on his face.

“Yesterday…” Harvey sighed. ”I’m sorry about yesterday Mike. It won’t happen again.”

“Yeah… I know.” Mike said. ”It’s just that it’s stuck in my brain now. You know what happened, just the way you pushed me out and what you said. It’s just stuck!”

“Okay, okay. I get it.” Harvey tried to calm him down a bit, he could tell that Mike’s mind was already replaying yesterday’s events. “Mike!”

The younger man jerked a bit and looked at him. “Okay.” He mumbled.

”So you want to order some take out then? I bet you are still hungry. You can have whatever you want.” He needed to break the tension.

Mike smiled a little. “Sushi?” He asked.

”Fine. You order it then.” He found Mike’s phone and dropped it in his lap.

“Okay!” Mike handed him the empty plate and Harvey rolled his eyes as he put it away. When Mike called some sushi place five minutes later Harvey considered it somewhat of a victory. That expression he had seen on Mike’s face that made him feel like a terrible person was gone. He knew now that yesterday’s events had put deep scars in Mike’s mind. Scars that Harvey was responsible for. He had made Mike feel worse. He had made Mike fear him. Was that true? Had Mike been afraid of him?  Maybe not of him, but of what he could do. He couldn’t have that.

Yesterday when they had talked after it happened, he had thought that things had been resolved. He had told Mike that they were family and Mike had told him that Harvey was his best friend. They really had a moment there, but now it seemed like Mike had forgotten about that. Harvey needed to be more careful of what he did and said. Mike wasn’t himself. Mike was struggling and he needed to remember that.

Right now though, things seemed better. Mike thoroughly told him what he had ordered for them and said that he couldn’t wait.

“I haven’t had sushi since Rachel and I went to…” He trailed off and Harvey could see how his eyes got distant.

“Well, I haven’t had sushi for years. I’m not even sure you can call it real food. It’s not like it’s cooked.”

That got Mike going again, and Harvey soon zoned him out. The sandwich seemed to have done wonders with the kid. The hunger seemed to have destroyed him a little, but now he was more collected and was telling Harvey about the history of sushi. Like that was something he wanted to know, but he didn’t interrupt.

The sushi arrived and Harvey helped Mike out into the living room. After they had eaten Harvey gave Mike some painkillers while he tried to decide whether he should talk to Mike or not about earlier. If he had asked Donna she would have insisted, but she wasn’t here right now. So, they didn’t talk that much that night. Instead they watch some movie that Harvey had a hard time focusing on.

Mike on the other hand was able to let the story pull him in and for 132 minutes he didn’t have to think about anything else. It was a bliss. It was just what he needed. Food and the opportunity to disappear from his own reality. But the movie ended, and he found himself stubbornly reading the credits to not have to do anything else, like look at Harvey.

“So, it’s getting late.” Harvey said and Mike hated him for a second. Why did he have to destroy everything?

“So?” He said.

“Do you want to head to bed?” Harvey asked him. Mike refused to look at him as he felt how it all started to sip back into him. The darkness.

“No.” He said.

Harvey watched him for a moment and then he nodded. “Okay. Let’s watch the sequel.”

So, they did and Mike could have kissed him, or at least hugged him. He just felt so relieved; he wasn’t ready to deal with anything else than just sitting here on the couch. Sitting there made him feel like a normal person, like he was Harvey’s equal.

It was late when they were done, and Harvey thought that they couldn’t prolong this anymore. He probably needed to head off to work tomorrow. Donna had mentioned something about some meeting in a text she had sent him. For now, Harvey wasn’t sure on what to do tomorrow, if he could leave Mike or not. What he did know was that he was exhausted, but he couldn’t go to bed before the kid. However, he hadn’t been able to deny Mike another movie.

“It’s time now Mike.” He said as he turned the TV off. Mike still didn’t take his eyes off it, he kept staring at the black screen. Harvey stood up and patted him a bit on his leg. “Let’s go.”

Mike leaned back and closed his eyes. “Fine.” He sighed.

Harvey steered the wheelchair up close to the couch and moved the table to the side.

“All right, are you ready then?” Harvey asked.

Mike wanted to say no. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to go back to bed. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, he knew already that it wouldn’t be pretty. He still took Harvey’s hand when it was stretched out towards him and helped as much as he can to get into the wheelchair.

The usual humiliation planted itself inside him as soon as they got to the bathroom. He couldn’t look at Harvey anymore, didn’t want to see the expression on his face. He didn’t feel better when he instead of looking at Harvey looked down at his legs. He thought that they already appeared different. The shape of them had changed and not for the better.

Harvey grunted a bit when he lifted Mike over to the bed. Mike was stiff in his arms and hadn’t said anything since he left the couch. The change in Mike was markable visible and Harvey knew that he needed to do something about it. He squeezed Mike’s shoulder a bit after he had pulled the cover over him. Mike still didn’t look at him, but he did glance at Harvey’s hand on his shoulder. It looked for a while like he wanted to say something, but nothing came out.

Harvey yet again felt at a loss on what to do. He felt lousy in how he handled the situation with Mike, the guilt about how he had behaved last night was also there.

“Well, do you think you can get some sleep?” He asked, but only received a shrug from Mike.

“You’re not in pain, are you?” He asked next. Mike shook his head this time.

“Do you need anything else then?” Harvey stood up.

“No.” Mike mumbled, but the look in his eyes told Harvey something else. He remained standing next to the bed. What more could he ask? Nothing came to him. Mike didn’t say anything either and wasn’t looking at him anymore.

“Goodnight then. I guess.” Harvey said after an awkward moment. He had only gotten to the door when Mike’s voice stopped him.

“Harvey.”

Harvey noticed how Mike had gone stiff. He held the cover in hard grip and his plastered arm lay pressed against his chest. The younger man refused to look at him.

“Yes.”

“Can you leave the door open?” Mike said in a small voice.

Harvey that had held on to the door handle let go as if he had been burned.

“Ehm… Sure. Of course.” Harvey pushed it open a bit more. “Is this good?”

“Yes.” Mike whispered and pressed his lips together without looking up.

“Okay.”

“You can leave now.” It took Harvey a while to understand the words he had said, since they had been so quiet, but when he did, he just nodded and left. He went to his own bedroom and sat down heavily on the bed. He had a hard time getting the image of Mike on the bed just now and him asking for the door to be left open. He remembered Mike telling him after he fell out of bed that he had felt trapped. Was that the reason he wanted the door open?

A wave of sympathy came over him and he almost stood up and went back to Mike. But he had asked to be left alone and Harvey needed to respect his wishes. However, the last time he had left Mike alone he had found him crying. He didn’t want to think about that fact that maybe the same thing was going on right now, so he went to the bathroom to get himself ready for bed. He had a hard time falling asleep. The screaming woke him up again.  

_-SUITS-_

They were in the living room again. Harvey was screaming at him to get out. He screamed that he never wanted to see Mike again and then he grabbed the handles on the wheelchair and started pushing him towards the door. Just like that night Mike fought to stay put, he fought with all he had. He yelled in frustration and tried to claw at the walls to stop it from happening, to stop himself from reaching the door. He dug his nails into the walls and just tried to hold on. He could feel how the nails broke and how his fingers started to bleed. They left read marks behind.

Nothing he did could stop the it from happening though and they reached the door. Harvey opened it and then violently pushed him out of it, all the while he kept screaming at Mike. The door closed behind him and the wheelchair had such a speed that he just knew that he was going to crash. The next moment he did, so violently that he flew out of the chair and into the concrete wall. The force knocked the wind out of him, and he blacked out.

When he blinked his eyes opened again, he immediately recognized where he was. The alley! He was back in the alley again. He was laying on the ground next to the dumpster and he felt how fear and panic consumed him when he tried to sit up just to realize that he couldn’t. He couldn’t move at all. He was totally paralyzed now. All he could do was to scream. So, he did. He screamed for help, for anyone to just come and help him, anyone at all. But no matter how much he screamed, no one came, and he still couldn’t move. He didn’t stop screaming though, he was panicking, and he needed help! He started screaming for Harvey, because he realized that he was the only one that would ever help him. He screamed even though he knew that Harvey wouldn’t come, because Harvey hated him. But he had no one else.

Then he woke up.

 He woke up and he could move again. He could move and he fought to get up to sitting, ignoring the pain that ran through his broken arm as he used it to support himself. Hands were on him, on his arm and shoulder. It was Harvey’s hands he realized. Harvey was there, right next to him.

“Ha-ha-Harvey!” He panted. He had trouble catching his breathe and his voice were a bit hoarse.

“Yes, I’m here. Yes, Mike I’m here. I’m right here. It’s okay now.” Harvey was saying. “It’s okay, it was a dream. No one is going to hurt you.”

Mike didn’t understand what he was talking about. He didn’t understand at all. What was Harvey doing here? He had pushed him out. Harvey hated Mike. Harvey didn’t want anything to do with him, he had made that clear. Why would he, he was nothing, he was trash. No one was ever going to want to be around him. It was too much to bear at that moment. He grabbed for Harvey’s arm as tears started to blur his vision. He was still panting, but now it turned more to sobs. The dream, because he now knew that it had only been a dream, played in his mind over and over again.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay.” Harvey said. He leaned closer to the distressed man on the bed and patted his back. He stopped himself from cringing as he felt how Mike’s back was drenched in sweat.

He felt a little shaky. He had been sleeping when he woke up from something. At first, he laid awake, confused, but then he heard it. Mike was screaming. He was screaming for help. Again and again he screamed, alternating between the word help and Harvey’s name. They weren’t that loud, but they were there, not stopping as Harvey sleepily stumbled over to his room. A bunch of thought ran through his mind as he hurried through the living room. Was he in pain? Had he fallen out of bed, or was it something else?

It turned out to be something else because when he arrived and turned the light on, he noticed that Mike was still asleep. He was squirming on the bed, still calling for help. Harvey rushed over to wake him, he didn’t think, just reacted. He grabbed Mike’s shoulder and shook him a little.

“Mike, wake up! Wake up!”

“Help!” Mike hoarsely called and Harvey shook him harder. It worked because Mike’s eyes flew opened and he jerked and heaved himself up to sitting. He wasn’t fully there though; he was panting, and his eyes wouldn’t focus. After about a minute though he seemed to realize where he was and what was going on. He whispered Harvey’s name and grabbed on desperately to his arm. Mike started to cry after that. It must have been one hell of a nightmare.

Harvey kept trying to reassure him, but Mike’s grip on his arm just hardened. At least until Mike seemed to start to make an effort of calming himself down.

Mike needed to hold on to Harvey. He just needed to hold him there. He needed him to stay and not disappear somewhere he couldn’t follow. The only way he knew how to do that was to hold on. But he only had the one good hand. He was aware that he was crying. He was crying in front of Harvey. He didn’t know how but he must have woken Harvey up and the older man had come to help him. Or to shut him up. That thought scared him. He needed to stop. He was embarrassing himself. Harvey must think he was totally pathetic. He forced himself to calm his breathing. He forced himself to let of Harvey. He felt so humiliated, and Harvey was still there, saying nice things to him.

“L-leave.” He stuttered. He didn’t want Harvey seeing him like this. He couldn’t. “Leave Harvey.” He got out. “I want you to leave. I’m fine.”

“Yeah, that’s bullshit.” Harvey said. He was surprised at this turn of events. Now the kid wanted him to leave? But then Mike almost yelled at him, so he got up from the bed.

“Fine. Okay. Fine, I’ll leave.”

Mike fell back down against the pillow and turned his face away. The short ability he had had to control his emotions were gone. He couldn’t stop himself from starting to cry again. But Harvey had left so he didn’t bother to care. He let it out.

Harvey went back to his own bed after Mike had told him to leave. He could still hear Mike. He had only gotten a few steps out of the kid’s room when he heard the first sob. Now when he was lying in the dark in his bed, he heard that the volume of Mike’s crying had increased. It was like Mike wasn’t making any effort at all to lessen his sobs like he had done while Harvey was in the room.

It hurt in him to lay there and listen to Mike’s anguish. Had he made the right choice when he left the kid alone? It was what Mike wanted but was it what he needed. Should he go back? But Mike had been determined, had even pushed him and Mike wasn’t able to leave the room, so Harvey had too. But now when he laid there and still could hear how Mike was crying, alone in a dark room, he wasn’t so sure if this had been the right choice. He didn’t know for how long he laid there and listened, but eventually Mike got quiet. First then Harvey was able to fall back asleep.

_-SUITS-_


End file.
